Delicate situation with family friend

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I could really use some advice on this. Sadly, both my parents died fairly young. My father's closest friend lives abroad and has done for many years. He's a lovely man who means a lot to me - but we are not in regular contact (think Christmas cards and an email once or twice a year).

I recently learned some pretty interesting stuff about my Dad's history that his friend would know all about, and was hoping to talk to him about it at some point soon. I called Dad's friend a few months ago - we didn't get into the family history stuff, but I thought he was sounding a little forgetful on the phone - repeating himself etc. He is getting on (in his 80s) so I didn't think much of it, but then a couple of weeks ago saw that his daughter (who is my age) had posted on social media that he is suffering from dementia 😓

This has been on my mind, and I emailed his wife yesterday. I was very careful with my wording - obviously I didn't say 'I snooped on social media and saw this' (!) but said that the phone call made me aware none of us were getting any younger. I asked after his health, and suggested that I might visit soon.

In all honesty, I thought she would reply being transparent about the dementia - but no, she just said it would be nice if I visited at some point. I am going to do my utmost to try but money is very difficult for me at the moment (they are not aware of this) and just booking a flight isn't something I can easily afford. Plus I'm wondering if it will just be very upsetting.

I'd love thoughts on the best way to handle. Sorry if this is long, I'm feeling quite emotional about it...

So you suggested to visit soon but you can’t actually afford to go? Were you thinking she would tell you not to visit because he has dementia? Sorry, I don’t understand that part.

Maybe she didn’t tell you because she thought it was inappropriate to dump that news over email, and would prefer to do it in person. Maybe she thought you already knew due to your wording about ‘nobody getting any younger’.

It is never easy to visit a relative/friend who has become quite ill, but we do it in the hopes that it will mean something to them (deep down, even if maybe they don’t remember you).

@nailclipper - I don't have any idea what stage he's at but I think for his daughter to post about it must mean it's quite advanced?

@loropianalover - well, I didn't say 'shall I come?' but was more saying that I would like to talk to him at some point, and also asking how he is. Obviously if there was urgency with his declining health then that changes things. I worded it pretty carefully so she could say 'well, a conversation/visit might be difficult because....'

why don't you suggest a zoom for you all instead?

Is it not the case that people with dementia lose new memories first? So he might have good recall of the old days. And talking about the old days may well lift his spirits. If you will always regret not trying to have the conversation, go, bring old photos, music etc so you can help stir his memories.

well, I didn't say 'shall I come?' but was more saying that I would like to talk to him at some point, and also asking how he is. Obviously if there was urgency with his declining health then that changes things. I worded it pretty carefully so she could say 'well, a conversation/visit might be difficult because....'

OK so based on your last sentence, you were hoping she would say no to the visit? You only offered it to.. gain info? be polite? I don’t understand that part and I don’t understand what the ‘delicate’ situation is - is it that, if you did go, you would find it upsetting to have him potentially not remember you? Or is the delicate situation how to get out of the visit because you have no intention of going?

I do think it’s highly likely the wife hasn’t given this a second thought because you’re not family and don’t have much interaction with this man anyway.

Sounds like your own agenda was so firmly in mind that you expected a certain response and have got a bit stuck when she gave a different one. You gave the impression a visit might be on the horizon, entirely possible she'd rather you came and were told in person, that being the case.

You need to set your own wish for this historical information aside and act how you would if there was nothing you wanted and needed from him.

So, if there is no way you can go there for a visit, then get back in touch and say you'd love to visit but can't sadly.
If you write a letter/email you can express how important he is to you and what he has meant all your life etc which is why you'd like to visit.
If the daughter put his dementia on social media then you could make reference to it, saying you hope they are supported and sorry to hear the news etc. assuming she knows you are connected on social media or tells be more strange not to mention a big thing like that if you are a family friend.
Send the letter to whoever you normally would, his wife or daughter, if not himself.

The only thing that makes this tricky is your need to get this information. You'll need to either be up front about this and ask if such a chat would be ok, or accept it may never happen. But if you do all of you can all ask about these things, make sure you are caring in how you ask and don't put them on the spot.

Thanks for all the responses. I suppose I thought that she would let me know about his health situation and, based on that that, the importance of how soon or urgently I should visit would become clear according to what they both want and what is best for them.

I suppose the information about my father's history isn't that relevant tbh - yes, it would be great to talk about it - but it wasn't really my 'agenda' as such. Either way, if his health is in sleep decline then I will do everything I can to visit ASAP because I would like to see him again. But if he's more than likely to still be with us early next year, then I might visit then when I've had a chance to save up.

Thanks again.

Why don't you email the daughter then who posted, and ask her advice on when to visit her father. She might be best to guide you on this.

I think that if his wife wanted you to know and thought a visit would be helpful she would have told you. I suspect that she was being deliberately vague.