Domestic Abuse Charges

[addictedtolove022]

Hi,
I was hoping someone here might be able to help me stop speculating on this!
My husband is on bail for offences against me. The officer in charge is hoping to charge him with assaultx2, strangulationx2 and coercive control. This has all been happening since 2019.
The police have witness statements, photos, texts, medical records as well as my video interview/statement. Is it likely that CPS will go ahead with the charges? I know it’s difficult to prove coercive control. Is there anything else I might not have thought of that would help
with a charge for this? My officer in charge is on annual leave at the minute so nothing happening now until the end of the month.
Bail is up soon which she said would be extended. She also said if I withdraw my support they would still go for the charges/prosecution, which I’m taking as a good sign that they think they will get the charges? She keeps telling me I have a strong case.
So hard not to speculate! I really want to move on from this and it is taking a lot longer than I anticipated but I appreciate they have to make sure everything is in place properly.
Any advice is much appreciated 💖

I also have a non molestation order which has been granted on top of the bail conditions, so I know I’m safe. I just can’t get it off my mind and it’s driving me crazy?

Stick with it. If they didn’t have enough evidence they would drop it but the fact that they are going ahead with it without your support is positive. That means they are confident in a conviction. I know it’s hard but see it through because he needs to learn that he can’t just abuse you or any other women. It means that it will go on his record and anyone who does a Claire’s law will be forewarned about the kind of man he is. You’re not just protecting yourself but other women too.

I absolutely agree. I can’t see him changing either way though, unfortunately. It was always my fault so I doubt he will take any responsibility. Bothers me to think what he will be telling his family about me. I know I shouldn’t care but part of me does.

Any advice welcome please 🙏🏻

Block him everywhere. And his family. Apply to court for an occupation order that will legally allow you and any children you might have to remain in the family home and have him leave. Speak to women’s aid to get support. Also check and see if you are entitled to any financial support via turn to us. Just Google it. Stay away from his family as they are flying monkeys. They will always, always take his side because blood is thicker than water. They are no longer your family or friends. If you have family or friends independently of him then ask them for support. You need all the support you can get. If you’re working, consider telling your work because you’ll likely need time off for court appearances anyway and most workplaces have domestic abuse policies in place to support victims. Speak to women’s aid about getting an IDVA. Well done for going to the police. You’ve been very brave and down the right thing. Let us know how you get on.

Read this book. It will be very helpful in understanding what’s happened and help you come to terms with it.

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

also consider the freedoms programme

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It doesn’t matter if he takes responsibility or not. If he’s prosecuted he will have it ok his record and it will be logged with Claire’s law databases. He will also have to carry out any sentence handed down whether that’s community payback or a custodial sentence. He might have to pay a hefty fine too. So it will have consequences for him. And these men always blame their victims. This is not your fault. You never pushed him to it or made home do it. He’s a grown man and he chose to abuse you emotionally and physically. It is his fault.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it 💖
I have seen that book but not sure if I’m ready for it yet? It’s difficult isn’t it. I want to understand it more but then I don’t want to spend my days thinking about or focusing on it, which I have been doing a lot. Which I know is silly as a lot of the questions I have I will probably never get answers to? I don’t think I will be able to move on and process it all properly until the police have finished the investigation?
I keep doubting myself as at the moment I’m feeling OK so it can’t have been that bad, can it?

I found reading the book helped me process and helped me come to terms with the abuse because it gave me answers as to how and why it happened to me. However, if you’re not ready then you’re not. Def speak to women’s aid and find out about getting an IDVA because they will support you through the criminal proceedings. Also, if you have to go to court, make sure there are measures in place so you don’t have to see him. This might be being able to testify via video link, having screens in court so you can see him and he can’t see you, having someone from victim support accompany you and wait with you, etc.
And if the police are prosecuting him, then yes. Yes it was that bad. He strangled you. That’s attempted murder. It’s that bad and you need to start seeing that way. I know it’s hard but you need to in order to protect yourself. I would read the book because it will straighten out your thought processes and help you see the abuse for what it actually is. It’s hard when you’ve prob been gaslight for a long time to trust yourself. That’s why the freedom programme is also helpful. I know you don’t want to think about it but burying your head in th sand won’t make it all go away. It will just resurface in some other way. It’s better to sit with those uncomfortable and upsetting feelings in order to process them and fully move on in a healthy way.

The logical side of my brain gets that but then the doubts creep in. I also have to do a Victim Impact Statement but because I’m in a good mindset at the moment I’m putting it off. I will have to do it though and maybe I will find it helpful in the long term?
Sorry to be stupid but what is an IDVA?
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me 💖

https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/a-z-of-terms/independent-domestic-violence-adviser-idva/

I would suggest that before you do your witness statement that you sit down and write down every single time he was abusive to you. Every time he was violent, threatened you, called you names, gaslit you, made you feel small, shouted at you, coerced you, controlled you, made you feel afraid, etc. This will get it straight in your head how serious this is and how you need to hammer this guy. It will show you the awful things he’s done in black and white. It’s good that your current mindset is positive but you don’t want him to get away with the abuse he’s put you through because you minimised his actions. He strangled you. What if he had strangled you just a little bit too long? You wouldn’t be here to have a positive mindset. It’s that serious. Strangulation is attempted murder. It’s cutting off the oxygen to your brain which could also cause brain damage if not death. If he’s willing to do that to you then he is a very dangerous man and you need to make sure he knows he can’t come back and finish the job. These men don’t always go away. They come back all contrite and love bomb their way back in precisely because their victim starts to question whether it was really that bad because look how lovely they can be. Keep the list and read it back any time you feel weak.

I hear you. I’m not minimising it deliberately, I suppose it’s just easier to deal with but I know I do need to start accepting things more.
He is dangerous and will be to other women too which is why I do want him held accountable. Ultimately I would like him to take responsibility but I doubt that will happen.
Thank you for your advice, I’m going to start making a list although it’s so difficult to remember everything, especially the emotional and verbal aspects of the abuse.
Thank you for your help 💖 x

Strangulation is the single biggest indicator that a perpetrator will go on to murder their victim. The single biggest red flag that he would have eventually killed you had you not managed to get away from him. Are you getting support from DV organisations?

I do understand that, I think I’m struggling to feel anything about it. It doesn’t shock me or make me feel upset at the moment?
I do have support from my local domestic abuse service but to be honest my caseworker hasn’t been in contact with me much. I know they’re busy so haven’t been bothering her.

You’re in shock. You’re traumatised. You’re blocking your feelings because it’s too much for you to cope with atm. I would suggest you get some trauma counselling asap. You matter. Your needs matter. You’re not bothering your support worker, it’s literally what she’s paid to do and she’s the one that’s failing here. Get in touch with women’s aid and ask them to recommend a counsellor who’s worked with domestic abuse victims. The support is there but you have to ask for it.

to be honest my caseworker hasn’t been in contact with me much. I know they’re busy so haven’t been bothering her.

Oh OP, you won't be bothering her love! I'm sure the ways you are feeling are very common experiences. Give your caseworker a ring and ask to go over things with her (practicalities and emotions).

Is there a local charity that offers counselling for people who have experienced DV? Where I am we have a Christian counselling service that offers pro bono counselling after DV (it's not Christian focused, they just run it but it's for anyone).

You deserve support, from Mumsnet yes and also from real life people. Do reach out. There are lots of people who will want to help you but you may need to make the first steps. Do you have a supportive friend who would help you make phonecalls and so on? You've done so well to get away from him. Try to pursue everything that's available to help you to heal.

I do believe I’m blocking my feelings which I know will have to change eventually. I did reach out to a couple of counsellors so hopefully I’ll hear back from them soon. On the waiting list for the free one offered here but my initial assessment isn’t until end of October which seems like a long time to go without any support?
Thank you both. I might get in touch with my caseworker. I just feel maybe it isn’t that big of a deal or she would have been in touch with me this week? I did let her know a couple of weeks ago that I was struggling with my feelings. It’s such a rollercoaster isn’t it. 💖

@addictedtolove022 Hey op just wondered how you were getting on? Going through something similar myself. Hope things are better for you now.

@Holymolyaperoli hi thanks for checking in.
The case is now with CPS and could take a while now as I’ve been told CPS have a back log to work through 🙃 I just keep being told by the officer in charge that I have a strong case.
If you want to send a private message I’d be happy to chat with you more. Don’t want to go into too much detail on here. I hope you’re ok 💖