How can I get a better relationship with my adult DS ?

[kerstina]

He is living back home with us after Uni . He is working in a grad role but I am really sad today as I don’t feel like we have a close relationship at all. I think he has changed being at Uni but he says we didn’t really talk before that . He has lots of friends and can hear him talking , laughing with them but if we try to talk to him it’s just very limited and he is often dismissive of me . Husband says it’s not me as I am questioning what I have done wrong .Is it something to do with anxiety and depression that I have always lived with .

I know it's a hard thing to come to terms with but,maybe he's just a bit of a dick.

He's living in your home yet at best, he's 'dismissive' of you.

Sounds like he takes you for granted (again, at best).

I'd be asking him to move out. He has a job, no reason for him to live with you.

Time to grow a backbone op. Don't blame yourself for other people being cruel.

How to become estranged 101.^ (in reference to above post)

Your job is his parent, not his friend. Friend is a bonus.

He is still young and finding himself, and forming a friendship with his mum is last on his priority list right now. just be there for him as a parent, don’t force some BFF scenario. Perhaps you will find common interests, if not - just take an interest in his life and ask what he is up to. Don’t expect the same in return right now. Didn’t anyone tell you, parenting is a selfless game?

He’s so wrapped up in his new exciting life he probably doesn’t realise how he may be coming across. Give him time, im sure you will find something or a common interest to bond over soon. Just get on with whatever it is you enjoy and the rest will work out.

DS and I have a regular "coffee and cake" meeting once a week. We basically have 30 minutes (more if we get into the flow) just chatting. I've been surprised how much he actually talks to me when we are away from the house and he has me to himself with no distractions.

There are weeks where this is the only meaningful conversation we have but it just helps to keep a connection going. (Some weeks he will, for example, come out for a walk with me).

I've struggled to find any common activities that we both enjoy (much easier with DD), but this is time we both enjoy.

Thank you Imperrysmum that has made me feel a bit better . I think we are good parents .Both always been supportive of him. He has been such an easy DS to raise in so many ways but hasn’t invited any of his friends to our home since senior school.
What really hurt in the conversation we had was I asked if his friends had a good relationship with their parents and he said yes they all did . More than we did .So he must have the same thoughts as me that we are not quite connecting

maybe your husband could talk to him, also it could be related to the anxiety and depression-living with someone with depression is really hard

Yes I know it can be really hard to live with a parent with mental health problems. My dad had them and he was a jeckle and Hyde character so I think I was very affected by a dysfunctional childhood but I have tried to be the opposite to him . I am calm and peaceful but can’t help being intense sometimes I think I just need to lighten up but life has been very hard with My mum and best friend having had Alzheimer’s and dementia for many years and now in the later stages.
My anxiety has held me back from going on things like eating out a lot as I have social anxiety. I guess that is what a lot of families do together a lot though. I said I would try and push myself to do that more.

The main issue is likely that he really doesn't want to be there.

Me and my Mum were always really close, but for the year I moved back home after university we clashed massively.

I'd tasted freedom, and I didn't want to be back living in that situation.

I wanted to be able to go on a night out and not know where it was going to take me, and not have to worry whether she'd cooked dinner, or suddenly realise that it was 2am and feel guilty that I hadn't text her.

Or I didn't want to feel judged that I was still in bed with a hangover at midday on Saturday (I doubt she cared, but I felt judged anyway.)

I wanted to be able to bring a girl back, but there was no way I was admitting I still lived at home

It's really constraining living back in the family home after spending 3 years striking out on my own. So yes, I spent as much time out of the house as I could, and I sometimes snapped at the "Where have you been?"s, because to me it was keeping tabs on me, whereas my Mum was probably just trying to make conversation. And my Mum would get annoyed because she'd have to get my clothes out of my room to wash, whereas I was keeping them in a pile in the corner because I was going to put a wash on over the weekend, and no matter how many times I told her this she'd still go in my room to get them and then be annoyed about it.

The moment I left home again our relationship improved hugely.

Thanks for your perspective that is really useful especially if you are male which am guessing you are . I don’t pester him or cook meals for him routinely only if I have checked if he wants something. He is more likely to ask his dad to cook something than me . I do go in his room to get cups out but he has never asked me not to and I don’t enter his room if he is in there it is his private space
i am just hurt that I don’t measure up to his friends and parents better relationships. Wish I hadn’t asked the question now! I can only just get on with my own life and stop worrying about the lack of connection I suppose other wise it starts to feel like a bad relationship where you get nothing back .He was really close to my Mum ( probably his favourite person) though so he must miss her too.

@kerstina ... my son is 30 this year. He was in the forces for 10yrs from being 18.
Whilst he was on camp I moved house, away from the area where he grew up. He used to spend weekends with a mate who was still living at home in the town where he grew up rather than visit me. He now has his own place in a different city, and although we text quite often, I wouldn't say we were close. He will text first if he wants to tell me something important, but generally I'm the one messaging him.
I try not to compare my friends relationships with their adult kids, but hopefully he knows I'm here if he needs anything

Yes that’s it Fairy poppins . We have bought up independent sons and I just have to accept our relationship as it is . I have to admit I was a bit too dependent and close to my parents. I would like to feel a bit more needed but that is my problem. He knows we would do anything for him.
My dream is to move to the coast soon so we will see what happens there as he would want to remain in his home city for work.