Ed

[notmyname1]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years I'm 30 he's 32
Right at the beginning I made my thoughts on porn very clear while in a relationship and give him the opportunity to say openly if it was something he could give up or not

He agreed we wouldn't no more and accepted my reasons
After 6 month we where having a few problems in the bedroom mainly him not been as interested and struggling with getting a erection when we did
I found out he was still watching it In secrete
It broke me we argued talked about it and he promised it wouldn't happen no more
He reckons he didn't actually think I was been serious on how it would bother me and now he's seen how broken I was from it he will definitely not do it no more

Fast forward to now we have had ups and downs the odd time he's Struggled with ED
But always put it down to stress, been to tired ect
This past 3 weeks it has gotten really bad he's back to not really been interested in me and my self esteem has took a massive hit we have managed to have sex once in them 3 weeks because every time we have tried he hasn't been able to get a erection
Last night I told him how upset I am how ugly I'm feeling and that I really do feel like it's because of porn
He is promising he hasn't watched or done anything since our first falling out over it a year and a half ago but I really can't believe him

I love him so much and he is almost perfect
But I just can't shake this feeling that he is lying, and I'm just not enough

Do not continue to put up with this from him. He's told you twice now that he would no longer watch porn but he has continued all the same. He's just paid lip service and does not want to address his addiction to this. Such men do have real problems with intimacy.

Hard as it is for you, you need to end this relationship.

You are tying your self esteem with another person's opinion of you. You need to work out why this is happening. Porn is of secondary importance in my opinion

Thank you I really feel like this could be my only option but there is just a small part of me that keeps thinking
what if it's not me and What if he's telling the truth and haven't watch anything and it's just a problem he's having
I'm stuck between 90% he's watching porn again and I'm not good enough and 10% he hasn't done anything wrong and it is just a problem that he can't help

If he was still watching it in secret before then it's safe to assume he is still watching it in secret now. But being more careful about his secrecy.

It sounds as though he is addicted to porn.

If that's the case he will not stop watching it because you want him to. Like any addiction the desire to stop has to come from him. You said in your previous conversation he told you he didn't think you were serious when you told him how important this was to you. That is a load of nonsense. He knew you were serious but he didn't want to stop using porn so he chose to keep on doing it knowing what it meant to you.

It makes me so angry when I read threads like yours because every OP says how their partners porn use makes them feel worthless, undesirable, not enough. And every time their partners disregard the dreadful affect their porn use has on the person they are supposed to care about.

Personally I think you are on a hiding to nowhere if you stay in this relationship. He has no intention of giving up porn and you will only start to regain your self confidence and belief in yourself if you leave the relationship.

His ED is likely to be connected to porn usage (and I assume here he has not gone to the GP re his erectile dysfunction either). He's just got better at hiding his use of porn.

You are absolutely good enough, please get those negative thoughts re you out of your head. Its HIM who is not good enough for you here, not the other way around. Do not further waste your time on such a man.

It is just so hard to believe a man who is that loving and caring in every way Could still go and hurt me in such a way
I can't seem to get my head round it taking porn and sex out the picture he is perfect in every other way
But I don't want to believe him and find out later he was lying but can't bring my self to end things without proof incase he is telling the truth

Is he on any medication? Anti depressants are known to cause ED problems.
As for the porn I'm sorry to say but nearly every adult male watches it. I watch it and I'm female. It has no affect on my sex life. I'm saying this to try to reassure you.

You do not need further proof against him, this is not a court of law. You have previously discovered that he was using porn in secret. You're unhappy and that is reason enough to end the relationship; relationships are not supposed to make you feel miserable.

There's a book you should read called Your Brain on Porn. It's absolutely brilliant, and very very informative. I'm afraid through personal experience (an ex) that this doesn't get any better. They start watching more and more extreme porn when things stop "doing it for them." They lose interest in sex with partners if they are involved in a marriage or relationships. I can guarantee that whatever he admits to you, the truth will be far worse.

This is the second time I've posted this today (there's another thread about porn), and men who do this lie like they breathe. You are best off leaving him because it won't get any better.

This is not true. Perhaps nearly every adult male you know watches it. Particularly if you watch it yourself and therefore find mixing with males who use porn acceptable to your life style. But there are many , many , people, males included who do not watch porn.

And how is it reassuring to the OP to say it has no effect t on your sexlife? Even if that is true for you the detrimental effects of porn use on sexual performance and on relationships is well documented. You and your experience are an exception to the norm.

Sorry to be blunt but at this stage of your relationship, age you're at and with no kids your sex life should be much better than this.

To get to the root cause he needs to abstain from the porn and solo masturbation. This ought to help improve his erections and make sexual activity easier with you. If this makes no difference there may be underlying medical issue that needs to be investigated.

Even if he stops the porn and cuts back on solo masturbation it may take bit of time to successfully improve reliability of his erections as he may have anxiety on this based on previous times he has struggled in bedroom - can be vicious circle, but it ought to improve over time if he puts in effort.

Ultimately though if he's not willing to address the issue and be open with you, you may question whether it's worth pursuing a relationship where the sex is so unsatisfying.

Thank you everyone for the support
He is currently at work so I have dropped him a message that we need to sit and talk truthfully once he's home
I have 2 children that are not his but live with us
He loves them and treating them like there his own
He doesn't take any medication and drinks alcohol very rearly

I know porn is always a touchy subject because the people who don't see a problem in it get defensive
I have always said the same thing if your single you do you but it just doesnt have a place in a relationship
it causes unrealistic expectations and then makes it harder for men to be in the mood by normal life situations
obviously this is just my personal thought on it and know there is couples that accept it without a problem
Which is why i made it clear my thoughts from the beginning so he had the option to call it a day if it soemthing he cant accept before getting too serious

It's still just so hard to get my head round someone hurting me so much but treats me so well in every other way I really hope he comes home and talks to me openly and even it does end up been the end at least I will have some truth for closure instead of letting my mind think everything at the worst

Think I was really hoping from this post was for everyone to say I'm been stupid and irrational and porn doesn't have that effect and I was wrong
But thank you for all your honesty and help

He's probably lying.

What man in his right mind who had ED wouldn't get checked out by a doctor, doesn't even try to get treatment for it?
The only explanation is that he already knows why it's happening. He knows it's the porn. He's probably got a serious addiction if it's affecting him this much.

I know you won't be able to prove it. But you don't need proof. You are allowed to end a relationship, just because you want to. You don't have to justify your decisions to anyone.

One other thing I've picked up on your post in addition to the ED is him not seeming interested whilst you were having sex - 6 months into a new relationship this isn't promising at all. In addition to the ED issue it sounds like you're sexually incompatible.

I have thought that also but it was like perfect connection couldn't keep his hands off me then 6 month in it all went wrong
But we spoke about it all all the truth came out and everything seems great again there was always odd times where Ed happened or he didn't seem to interested but was always put down to stress or been tired but these where very few and far between
Until this past few weeks it's back to the 6 month mark again where it isn't just one offs
He did try the other day without me initiating anything but struggled with Ed again but feels like it could have been a attempt to prove he's trying because after he said if was doing something else or not interested in you why would I have tried