Daughters BF has anxiety & depression

[MamaBea20]

My 19 year old daughter has a bf of same age who she has known for a year and been dating for 6 months. They fell madly in love and had an intense first few months together. For both of them this is their first love. It was evident from the beginning that he has anxiety which was affecting parts of their relationship, but a series of events about 2 months ago tipped him into depression - he lost his brother in an accident 6 years ago which he hasn't properly processed and I and others believe he is suffering from delayed traumatic grief. As a result he has withdrawn significantly from my daughter although masks when he is with her, putting on a brave face and saying everything is fine. He is spending a lot of time with his best friend who has been through everything with him which is also causing some friction but I can understand why from both sides.

He says he still loves her and is upset by the idea that she thinks he may not (I stupidly put that idea in her head) but I swing from thinking that his feelings have changed and he doesn't know how to tell her / want to be the one to break off the relationship to being understanding about what he is going through. She is finding it really hard. She misses him and doesn't want to put pressure on him (but sometime emotions understandably flow over) and says she is just going to be patient and wait for him to come back.... but it's hard seeing her wait around all day because he said they would do something together that day, for them to go out for just an hour .... she looks forward so much to any time they have together.

For context she has had her own mental health issues with anxiety and depression over the past few years but has been in a really good place these past 12 months. She has also changed her uni plans to stay at home and go local directly as a response to the change in the relationship....

I know my role is to sit and listen and gently give advice, when it is asked for. We really like this guy and have become really fond of him in the time they have been together. I just don't want her to get her heart broken but I fear this is heading in that direction... she has been through so much already in her life .... she has a counsellor / therapist that she speaks to about her realtionship and he is on a waiting list for bereavement counselling but I don't think it's going to be enough. I know what I need to do but I guess I'm looking for some hope that this could still work out for them ... but they are so young and both had so much to deal with ...

You seem very enmeshed in your daughter's relationship, for example you say we both really like him. It's your daughter's relationship, not yours.

She's putting him before her own needs which is wrong. She shouldn't be waiting around for him in case he decides to do something. She needs friends, hobbies and interests and to centre herself.

If he's suffering grief, then he should seek help. You say he's withdrawn significantly from her, I would view that as the end of the relationship. She has a high tolerance for being an afterthought rather than a priority, which doesn't bode well for her future relationships.

We really like this guy

How healthy do you think this sentence is?

I have a daughter same age and would try my best to ensure that being with a boyfriend didn't interfere with her life plans. You have to keep your nose out. As a PP said you seem a bit too involved.

Back off. Jeez I know it's hard but sadly you have to let them make their own mistakes. It's horrendous to watch. My eldest is in his 30's and am still Facebook friends with some of his girlfriends from the past.

Eeeeek that is weird too, but you do get so fond of them! Your kids' partners. But you can't and mustn't get involved.

Were you glad she changed her uni place to stay at home?

edit - Also as PP said you really must help her to raise her standards, if she accepts this shit at 19 she’s gonna get walked in for the rest of her life.

wow harsh comments. My daughter has been through a tonne of shit and I'm trying to protect her while at the same time show some empathy for the guy she loves who is also going through a tonne of shit. Yes I am enmeshed in her life, she wouldn't be here if I hadn't.

So what you're saying is that your daughter needs your unhealthy interference in her relationship. Ok...

I think comments about you being too involved are really judgemental

As a daughter myself with long term mental health conditions I have been so grateful for my mum to be involved and like my partner and give advice.

She is young and at least shes coming to you for advice and not suffering in silence. Really it lies with boundaries of the sharer and if she wants your involvement, who else is to judge.

As for the other parts to do with him withdrawing, this is part of mental health and for some a life saving coping strategy - may not be healthy, but you obviously are compassionate enough from your daughters experiences to understand what the young man is also going through.

People with mental health problems arent to be discarded guys, sometimes people do meet the 'one' young, I didn't. People who have been through things and do evebtually come out the other side I have found are very kind and understanding people in relationships and not taboo about mental health.

This. You should be supporting your dd to do what she wants without considering the needs of her (needy, insecure, anxious) bf. She should make decisions about eg Uni depending on what SHE wants.

I'd be encouraging her to spend time with friends and forgets this boy. He had issues to deal with. She is not his support human.

She needs to work on this to ensure she has happy relationships as an adult.

And their relationship is none of your business. You are weirdly over-involved.

I'm sorry if I came across judgemental that's not when I wanted at all. I have a daughter the same age so know how difficult it is to step back.

But good luck to you and your daughter, hope it works out.

I can see both sides to the comments on being enmeshed.

From reading your post I did instantly think: wow, you're overly involved in your daughters life and are trying to shelter her from experiencing normal human adult emotions, which is very unhealthy.

On the other hand, I also have a younger daughter who at 5 years old already has some very big emotions and needs a lot more guidance on how to handle those emotions than other children her age. I already know that making sure she grows up to be a happy, confident young women is going to be a challenge. I understand how you end up where you are right now.

But it's still not healthy. You're trying to protect her from having any painful experience. Not only is that completely unreasonable, it may also give your daughter the sunconscious impression that you don't trust her ability to overcome these things.
All heartbreak hurts. But people survive, they learn, they grow. None of this is dramatic, none of this is the end of the world. As parents, what our children need most is for us to be the voice of reason. They need their parents to say: yes, this hurts. But anything good comes at a risk of loss. That's how life works. Keep opening yourself up for beautiful things, and take the losses with strenght and dignity. I trust in your ability to overcome and heal, and more good things will be waiting for you.
They absolutely don't need you to panic because they may feel down for a while. She's allowed to feel down when she gets her heart broken. And she needs you to trust that she'll get through it, as any normal 19-year old would.

And in this way, you are too enmeshed in her life. Because rather than taking a step back and watching her have these emotions, you're having these emotions with her.
You've gotten fond of him.
You find it hard to watch her wait for him.
You like him
You don't want to see her heart broken
You hope they can work it out.

The problem is your fear of your daughters emotions, and this fear is affecting you way too much. And it's also hindering your ability to be there for her in a realistic and constructive way.
She doesn't need you to hope it works out for them. It's normal for her to want that. She's the one in love. You should be the one to tell her that you believe she'll get through it, no matter what happens.

So take about a dozen steps back, and realise that your daughter having emotions is not a problem, and it doesn't need to be made bigger than it has to be. Stay in your own neutral space. Be her cheerleader. Believe in her. Tell her it will be alright, and believe it.