Married 11yrs, 1DC. I married sensible, he has got other redeeming qualities. I should say I am the extrovert, I strive for more, I earn the lions share, but consider it all ours. I have a good work ethic to get more. Overall, I am a good person, but can be a bit sharp in responses and in enthusiasm, cut in conversations to express similar opinions etc. My DH is a good Dad. Just general dynamics to set scene.
However, he has dealt with a lengthy and complex decline in a parents health, requiring financial assessments and permanent care. The stresses incurred raising a baby. His performance in his job took a turn and he stopped managing the house funds properly. Turning to credit cards for day to day expenses. (I’m not dripping in diamonds and we’ve not had a holiday in 5 years, currently the bedroom and lounge need new carpets). All of which was kept quiet until the financial assessment picked out some very explainable parent contributions to my DH. My SIL asked some questions of me, that’s how I found out, prompting 3 separate conversations with DH to get the extent of the issue.
Managing the finances was one of the roles he took on, I wasn’t always happy about it. At times I felt like a 49% shareholder in the marriage because he held onto the information so tightly. Over the years I made a few complaints. This did lead to the spreadsheet coming out and an explanation, but always fizzled out after a bit. Besides, he’s my husband, I should be able to trust him.
It turns out that he has us in quite a bit of debt. After exploring different options, I approached a trusted family member, a repayment plan was agreed and signed and we are not bound by interest pressures. But I was the one who initiated that, organised it and ASKED that he approached this person to thank them. After all, I didn’t make the mess and couldn’t give them answers to questions they quite rightly asked when lending a 5 figure sum.
I have taken all credit cards, cut them, seen accounts closed confirmation. Put in place a new joint account for available monthly funds, outwith bills. That is all he has access to for now. We sit down every payday and I ensure that everything is organised and the appropriate funds in the bills accounts.
He agreed to see DR to discuss his mental health and is going to start counselling. He has apologised and told me I am his world etc. I felt like I couldn’t lose my temper with him, as explained he felt under pressure, overwhelmed and didn’t know how to fix things. I am more pissed off that he has lied, outright, disrespected me and made financial choices that have the potential to impact decisions we can make for our DC.
I have decided to stay, I have told him that I will work through how I feel about him. I don’t want to make rash decisions, I don’t know if this is the right thing?
Any advice?