Family life in turmoil

[connie26]

I have posted before about DD15 and her behaviour. Yesterday was a bad day culminating in a fight where DD16 was whacked by DD15 hard across her face causing some slight swelling and a very painful neck due to the jolt. This was all because DD15 had taken her sister's jumper without permission and point-blank refused to give it back. Later, when DH came home and heard what had happened, we rowed as he doesn't think I administer any discipline/consequences. Problem is - nothing I say/do will work without it leading to physical resistance and much screaming/shouting at me. I cannot control her behaviour. She will fight me.
DH went to speak to her and took away her phone - no resistance but she then got her ipad to use instead, so he took that away - an argument ensued and she tried to grab it back at which point in anger he shouted to get off or he would 'punch her in the nose'. I don't know what to do. I have felt like this with her as her behaviour is absolutely appalling at times but I have never actually said it.
She helped herself to her ipad later which infuriated him, so in temper, he tossed her phone into her room as he said 'she might as well have that back then'.

Just when I feel things are improving, we slip back to a very unhappy household. There will be tension in the house now for some time as DH will fester on it. He will most likely not talk to anyone, especially DD15.
I wasn't sure whether to post in relationships or parenting but I'm hoping someone can advise me as I'm at the end of my tether.

Wow firstly I empathise as it sounds hard but also this is a mess isn't it.

You sound like you've given up completely.

Your DH is at the end of his tether.

I think you and your DH need some help, fast. You'll get lots of people saying how you need to come down hard and also not give in so easily eg let her have devices when the punishment is no devices, and they may be right, but I'm assuming you've tried this properly already and it hasn't worked or helped?

Do you have money to throw at the problem?

If yes maybe look for a family counselor or parenting expert to guide you.

If not can I suggest Ross Greene The Explosive Child approach?

losangelesteentherapist.com/taming-emotionally-explosive-teenagers/

You need to decide on the most important things to tackle - I would say hitting someone being number one - and get on the same page.

DD16 was assaulted in her own home. Why weren't the police phoned?

You aren't making your 15 year old have any consequences for her actions and allowing her to assault another child. You'd have called the police on anyone else who did that and if she had hit anyone else they would have done the same.

Garlicnaan, thank you for your reply and signposting - I will look at those. I think we probably need some counselling as a family.
I do feel like giving up, sometimes I just want to get off this Earth. I'm not in the best of health - I have severe balance issues which I'm sure was brought on by stress plus I don't sleep well at all.

Would the police be interested in teenage siblings fighting?

Oh FFS, police barely have time to cope with stabbings, never mind a sibling quarrel

Hi op, I haven’t seen your previous threads.
When did your dd’s behaviour start to become challenging? Was it before the age of six or did it coincide with the onset of adolescence? Or at some other time?

Assault is Assault.

Yeah just wait until 15 year old stabs her sister then. My brother did it to my sister. Useless parents didn't stop him.

Yeah @FoxtrotOscarKindaDay, you know, I've genuinely changed my mind on this. You're right.

I grew up with violence in the home (not often but occasionally) and I grew accustomed to it, so when my ex-husband hit me I didn't have the 'assault is assault' boundary.

It sounds like DD15 has difficulty with emotional regulation if she's unable to restrain her anger like that? Maybe she is not able to stop hitting due to some as yet unknown reason.

I guess that involves being curious about DD15 experience to try to address the root cause of all this. Are there any signs here, undiagnosed neurodivergence, high anxiety, attachment problems, could she have experienced abuse?

Is she able to control her emotions in other settings? Are you able to recall the triggers for her outbursts, in case they are linked to any other circumstances? Does she have health issues like pain or any medication etc?

Tomorrowjustyouwaitandsee · Today 03:39

Hi op, I haven’t seen your previous threads.
When did your dd’s behaviour start to become challenging? Was it before the age of six or did it coincide with the onset of adolescence? Or at some other time?

MySocksAreDotty · Today 04:44

It sounds like DD15 has difficulty with emotional regulation if she's unable to restrain her anger like that? Maybe she is not able to stop hitting due to some as yet unknown reason.

I guess that involves being curious about DD15 experience to try to address the root cause of all this. Are there any signs here, undiagnosed neurodivergence, high anxiety, attachment problems, could she have experienced abuse?

Is she able to control her emotions in other settings? Are you able to recall the triggers for her outbursts, in case they are linked to any other circumstances? Does she have health issues like pain or any medication etc?

Thank you for your replies.
Behaviour has been challenging since she was quite young. Regular outbursts, especially when things don't go her way. Resistance to discipline at home although fine at school. She has a good friendship circle and the teachers like her although academically, she struggles. She doesn't read and spends a lot of time scrolling on her phone but will eventually gets homework done.
She was assessed a few years ago privately and psychiatrist suggested she has ASD but no official diagnosis as I couldn't get her back for a test. She was absolutely furious that I made her go initially for ADD assessment.
Last night she was more upset about her relationship with DH or lack of it - she feels he hates her. He doesn't - he just hates her behaviour and it affects him a lot. He does have a short fuse though and there have been awful times of him screaming at her when he's reached that point. I try not to lose it with her but when I try to discipline, she will fight and laugh at me. She definitely has the same short fuse and lack of patience as he does. DD16 and I are generally the calm ones stuck in the middle. I feel completely lost and have no idea how or if I can fix things.

Did you mean ADD or ASD as you use both in your post. Fwiw it sounds like ADD / ADHD could fit a lot of what you've said here so it might be worth revisiting this.

And while DH may well be at the end of his tether, he's also got to do better. "no no DD you can't behave just like your father'. How is he modelling conflict resolution and response to stress? In exactly the same way as she is...