Am I growing apart from DH after baby?

[Maizques]

Long story short- my DD is nearly 2 now. Before she was born DH and I used to be closer and have common interests. Most of the times, I took effort to be genuinely interested in things that interests him (he has a lot of interests and has insights and predictions on everything).

Now I just don't have the energy for it. I'm only interested in topics that relate to my DD or something that will benefit me or my family. I absolutely have no interest in world affairs, tech revolutions etc etc. But DH wants to share all his thoughts with me. It wears me out when all I want to do is to watch some TV in peace. But I sometimes listen to him unwillingly cos I don't want to hurt him or make him feel lonely.

It's like DH and I are growing apart. I'm stuck with no interests and DH is frustrated that he doesn't have anyone to share his interests and opinions with. How do I get over this? Do you think there is a middle ground that DH and I could meet at?

I think it's really natural that the focus of your life has changed and that your DD is so important.

But I really sympathise with your DH in that he wants to maintain a part of his life and your relationship that doesn't just relate to his DD.

Does he do his share of the practical tasks regarding the care of your DD? Does he do his share of the household chores/ upkeep?If he does it seems only fair that you set aside a little bit of time when possible to talk about things he is interested in.

If he doesn't do his share of child care and household tasks then perhaps you should discuss with him upping his involvement and that would give you more energy to put into sharing interests other than those directly related to your DD.

You will absolutely regret it if your life entirely revolves around your DD and you lose your outside interests.

Try couple’s counselling it will help improve you’re relationship

I 100% sympathise that it can be hard to maintain connection with your partner after a baby. It's a huge life change and an exhausting time.

I wonder if there is something else going on? Are you otherwise happy in your relationship? Does your partner pull his weight? Do you get time to rest? Does he talk "at" you rather than listening to you?

But one sentence from your post stood out to me:

"I'm only interested in topics that relate to my DD or something that will benefit me or my family"

I say this as gently as possible, but i don't think it's a good thing to be so insular. For sure, we aren't all current affairs junkies who check BBC every half hour, but I think to have no interest in anything that doesn't immediately benefit your family means shrinking your world to a stifling extent. I can actually see this from your DPs point of view and I imagine it must be challenging for him. I don't think it's a recipe for happiness for your marriage, your kid or most importantly, for you, in the long term. As a toddler mum myself I know children can feel all-comsuming at times, but your view that nothing outside your immediate family environment is of interest is a "limiting belief" and if you challenge it, you might be surprised at how quickly you see positive results. What were your interests pre-kids?

Your tired and I fully understand that you have no head space for your DH conversations. This is just a stage in your relationship which if you love each other you will get through. You need to talk to each other about what you both need and find some compromise. Focusing on your dc only is not good for you or him. I am further down the road with dc leaving home and it takes work to have a relationship that is not child based.

Thanks so much for all your inputs and understanding. I get that I need to do better. I just can't seem to accept the information dump on me when my mind is so preoccupied with DD or family matters. When I tell him he gets it for a day or two, and then it happens again. His brain is able to process a lot of information while my brain hit a wall after DD was born.

I've always struggled to reply when someone asks about my interests as I don't have anything proper. I can be interested in a lot of things for a while and then completely lose interest in them. DH and I met because we had a common sport interest but I lost interest in it over time (but we developed other common interests before DD was born).

@Neverstophoping DH works full time while I work part time. He gets into my nerves a lot as a father as he spends a lot of time reading stuff that interests him instead of spending time with DD. He can easily be distracted by his screens. But that is not to say he doesn't do his share otherwise. DD adores him. He does a bit of house chores regularly (but again gets into my nerves by keeping count of all that he does and always grabs the chance to highlight them to me). After a lot of arguments, I've now accepted these traits in him.

@Olinguita I think DH tends to talk at me. But I don't mean that in a bad way. He's obsessed about his interests and goes on and on. Doesn't really read me. He does this during my rest time when I try to sit down and watch TV after putting my little one to sleep. I hate to get my brain all worked up after DD goes to sleep 😐

I think I'm generally happy in my relationship but I wish for time away from DH for a while when things get hot which might happen like once or twice a week.

I'm somewhat aware that I'm heading in an unhealthy trajectory. I'm contemplating pursuing my graduate studies (I've always wanted to do this) to rekindle my career interests and I'll have something to show off to DH 😂

I think it's pretty normal to be so done in after working and looking after a young child to just not have capacity to do much other then try and have some downtime.

But you do need to also get out yourself. Find a local group that you want to do 1 evening a week or a fitness class etc. Finding a bit of you again is important and that in turn will help your relationship.

Get your DH to do bedtime a few nights a week to give you that downtime before so then you have the capacity to have a conversation. Start light with stuff so maybe somewhere even for a lunch date together out of the house.

Gosh that's an essay!
@mumonthehill thanks for the reassurance. I sure hope we do x

@Scottishskifun that's quite a helpful list of suggestions. Thank you x

Sounds totally normal to me.

If possible can you get a babysitter occasionally for a meal out, but sometimes those didn't work either as DH used expensive (babysitter) child free time to talk about his latest grand idea or current affairs - I had zero time or interest working practically ft with a young DC.

Echo doing something for yourself- an exercise class or interest that you want to develop, and make sure your DH does a reasonable amount of parenting.

I think some people find the adjustment to a life of child-centric monotony more difficult than others. Even those who were keen to be parents in the first place. No doubt he is finding it difficult too- maybe he feels he has ‘lost’ you in some way.

Perhaps you could feign interest in order to maintain that important connection, or otherwise you might just drift apart.