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Original poster

Porn

46 replies

Bd222 · 09/09/2024 20:22

I found that my partner has been watching porn and came girls on the way to work, when I'm in bed and also when I have left for work and looking after our son.
I'm currently pregnant and we have a 1 year old. I have tried having sex with him or tried spicing it up but sometimes he tells me he doesn't want sex.
I have even dropped it in a conversation about how disrespectful men watching cam girls are and that I would be really hurt if he done that to me. Yet he blatantly lied and said well I don't pha.
I don't know weather to tell him I have been through his phone and seen it or Bide my time and then do it. I feel so upset set, unworthy and unattractive. I feel so distant from him

OP posts:
IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 10/09/2024 00:50

Bd222 · 09/09/2024 21:03

In his van driving 😞

Show quote history

What? Even setting aside he sounds vile anyway, he deserves to be caught and lose his licence.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 10/09/2024 00:59

I'm really sorry for you OP. You and your children deserve better.

HolyPeaches · 10/09/2024 01:35

Bd222 · 09/09/2024 21:03

In his van driving 😞

Show quote history

omg what an absolute sleezebag. And not to mention fucking idiot, so dangerous to watch something on your phone whilst driving. He’s lucky he’s not been caught by a camera or the police.

Im so sorry OP. But this would give me major ick I would not want to continue a relationship or marriage with this prick. I know it’s not that easy or simple though 😕

NonsuchCastle · 10/09/2024 01:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This isn't a funny situation. Have some decorum.

TealSheep · 10/09/2024 03:25

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

XChrome · 10/09/2024 04:22

You need to leave him. They don't get better. They get worse and worse. Eventually he will be completely impotent with you and angry at you all the time. The misogyny in porn is deadly. You don't want your son growing up around this pervert. Gather your proof that he watches it with your son there so you can use it to get primary custody.

XChrome · 10/09/2024 04:24

WandsOut · 09/09/2024 23:20

He's porn addicted - there's no point trying to play the game, it's demoralising and he's obviously a sex addict who is cheating on you with actual conversations with prostitutes.

It's not what you deserve, you deserve to be taken care of and to have a peaceful life, he's not going to give you that.

Are you financially dependent on him?

It's also not a reflection on you. Men who do this do it because they are sick in the head and disgusting in their tiny depraved brains - they don't see women as human. You don't need to compete with women who have to sell their bodies for sex for a fleeting moment in their lives. Most of these women are having a shit time with men too, after all, they see what men are really like under the ordinary guy veneer.

It's not about you, there's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing you could do or be that has made him a pervert like this. He's wired to be a slave to porn and he's sick.
Don't let him make you sick too.

This.

Original poster
Bd222 · 10/09/2024 07:04

WandsOut · 09/09/2024 23:20

He's porn addicted - there's no point trying to play the game, it's demoralising and he's obviously a sex addict who is cheating on you with actual conversations with prostitutes.

It's not what you deserve, you deserve to be taken care of and to have a peaceful life, he's not going to give you that.

Are you financially dependent on him?

It's also not a reflection on you. Men who do this do it because they are sick in the head and disgusting in their tiny depraved brains - they don't see women as human. You don't need to compete with women who have to sell their bodies for sex for a fleeting moment in their lives. Most of these women are having a shit time with men too, after all, they see what men are really like under the ordinary guy veneer.

It's not about you, there's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing you could do or be that has made him a pervert like this. He's wired to be a slave to porn and he's sick.
Don't let him make you sick too.

I think I could handle my own with finances I have a great family too.
He treats me better than any other partner has done and worships the ground I walk on so finding this out is total shock.
He needs to get a fix and it's a sick fix.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bd222 · 10/09/2024 07:10

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

This is a good idea, he has always said I can look through his phone and that I can trust him.
Will definitely take this on board and might have a conversation with him. He knows something is not right me as I'm very quiet.
We do generally have a good relationship and I was happier prior to finding this out.
It's like when he hid vaping from me, we would go out and he would vape behind my back all our friends knew I knew and confronted him and he said no then I found the vape in the changing bag and was like look I don't mind you vaping just be honest with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bd222 · 10/09/2024 07:12

FunWithFlagz · 10/09/2024 00:31

I’ve just ended my marriage of 18 years due to discovering my husband’s porn addiction. I had an inkling when our eldest was a tiny baby but he brushed it off and said he’d stop. Well, he didn’t. I’ve put up with a shit sex life and erectile disfunction for years, thinking it was me, but it’s a classic sign of a porn addiction. He was using cam girls, interacting with them, wanking in the toilet when I was in the next room. All proper gross.

Anyway, it’s all out now, and he’s having specialist therapy but it’s too late for us. I can’t forgive me living feeling like he just wasn’t that into sex when he was actually frantically masterbating 3 meters away.

My advice is to confront it head on, now. Either he gets help for his problem or leave him. It’s a serious issue and it won’t go away on its own. Save yourself many years of feeling unattractive and let down!

Sorry you’re going through this. I know how devastating it is.

So sorry you had to go through this it's just so shitty.
Why don't men realize it's fake?!
When I was pregnant last time we never had sex I asked the other night if I get big again with this pregnancy will we stop having sex he said most likely.

OP posts:
IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 10/09/2024 08:36

"Stevie, I've done something bad, I shouldn't have done it and I am truly, genuinely, sincerely sorry but I've been so worried that [xyz] that I've looked through your phone. I'm sorry Stevie, I know it was wrong of me."

The OP has done something bad? If it were me I certainly wouldn't be apologising to him because I'd found out about his vile behaviour.

offyoujollywelltrot · 10/09/2024 08:47

There's a book you should read called Your Brain on Porn. It's absolutely brilliant, and very very informative. I'm afraid through personal experience (an ex) that this doesn't get any better. They start watching more and more extreme porn when things stop "doing it for them." They lose interest in sex with partners if they are involved in a marriage or relationships. I can guarantee that whatever he admits to you, the truth will be far worse.

I would honestly suggest you get your stuff sorted for separation BEFORE you raise it with him so that he can't sweet talk you round, because he won't stop.

Your Brain On Porn

Curious about the latest research on internet porn's effects? Your Brain on Porn looks at teh science and the lived experience of people consuming internt pornography

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

GenAvocadoOnToast · 10/09/2024 09:24

WTF am I reading. He's going to kill someone driving around watching porn. Does he do this with your DC in the van? He is the lowest of the low. Report him to the DVLA and leave.

FunWithFlagz · 10/09/2024 09:43

Bd222 · 10/09/2024 07:12

So sorry you had to go through this it's just so shitty.
Why don't men realize it's fake?!
When I was pregnant last time we never had sex I asked the other night if I get big again with this pregnancy will we stop having sex he said most likely.

Show quote history

I’ve come to realise that it’s not really about sex by the time they’re addicted. It’s about dopamine release and the rush they get from it. It takes more and more to get the rush, so they use more and more. There are some useful YouTube videos that can help explain the psychology of it. It often starts when they’re young and becomes an unhealthy coping/self soothing strategy. It doesn’t always mean that they are a pervert!

The thing is, my husband is a nice guy. Reliable, kind and a great dad. Was always home when he said he would be. I trusted him completely. Then there was this whole other side that I had no idea about. He’s lied to me for years and watched me struggle with our shit physical relationship, all while he was doing things that I consider cheating. Ultimately, that’s why I can’t be with him anymore, even if he recovers from the addiction.

Don’t be surprised if he says he hasn’t got a problem - this has developed over time and he won’t see it as an issue because he’s normalised it. It may be helpful to show him a video about it explaining the signs and symptoms. My husband had no idea it was a thing and finding out how deep he was into addiction as been very upsetting for us both.

I hope you’re able to talk to him soon. I’m so sorry you’re having to face this.

Original poster
Bd222 · 10/09/2024 09:50

FunWithFlagz · 10/09/2024 09:43

I’ve come to realise that it’s not really about sex by the time they’re addicted. It’s about dopamine release and the rush they get from it. It takes more and more to get the rush, so they use more and more. There are some useful YouTube videos that can help explain the psychology of it. It often starts when they’re young and becomes an unhealthy coping/self soothing strategy. It doesn’t always mean that they are a pervert!

The thing is, my husband is a nice guy. Reliable, kind and a great dad. Was always home when he said he would be. I trusted him completely. Then there was this whole other side that I had no idea about. He’s lied to me for years and watched me struggle with our shit physical relationship, all while he was doing things that I consider cheating. Ultimately, that’s why I can’t be with him anymore, even if he recovers from the addiction.

Don’t be surprised if he says he hasn’t got a problem - this has developed over time and he won’t see it as an issue because he’s normalised it. It may be helpful to show him a video about it explaining the signs and symptoms. My husband had no idea it was a thing and finding out how deep he was into addiction as been very upsetting for us both.

I hope you’re able to talk to him soon. I’m so sorry you’re having to face this.

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you for your kind words. Come to think of I feel he has issues he always comes to early when we have sex and says I'm to tight. He likes foreplay but because I'm body conscious from previous relationships that doesn't help. But he knows this. The last few weeks I have tried to be more relaxed in the bedroom.
I feel it will never go away his porn watching but will definitely check out YouTube xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Bd222 · 10/09/2024 09:52

GenAvocadoOnToast · 10/09/2024 09:24

WTF am I reading. He's going to kill someone driving around watching porn. Does he do this with your DC in the van? He is the lowest of the low. Report him to the DVLA and leave.

No was on the way to work, he leaves at 4.30 the site he went on was accessed at 5.30 he doesn't get to site till 7ish. So can only guess he was driving at the time

OP posts:
TealSheep · 11/09/2024 02:14

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XChrome · 11/09/2024 02:30

"The thing is, my husband is a nice guy. Reliable, kind and a great dad. Was always home when he said he would be. I trusted him completely. Then there was this whole other side that I had no idea about. He’s lied to me for years and watched me struggle with our shit physical relationship, all while he was doing things that I consider cheating."

FunWithFlagz, why do you consider him such a nice guy? None of that other stuff really matters when he was lying to you for years and cruelly letting you twist in the wind because of the impact of his behaviour. He might be superficially nice, but his character is shit.

FunWithFlagz · 12/09/2024 13:03

XChrome · 11/09/2024 02:30

"The thing is, my husband is a nice guy. Reliable, kind and a great dad. Was always home when he said he would be. I trusted him completely. Then there was this whole other side that I had no idea about. He’s lied to me for years and watched me struggle with our shit physical relationship, all while he was doing things that I consider cheating."

FunWithFlagz, why do you consider him such a nice guy? None of that other stuff really matters when he was lying to you for years and cruelly letting you twist in the wind because of the impact of his behaviour. He might be superficially nice, but his character is shit.

Because people aren’t one thing or another. People are more complex than that. You can be nice with a terrible flaw. The good things he has done for me and the happy times we’ve had aren’t cancelled out by his porn addiction. There was a line and he’s crossed it so we’re no longer together, but I don’t have to hate him. He’s in therapy for it and I wish him well with his recovery so he can be a healthy, happy father to our children. I am choosing to move forward with kindness and grace because it feels better than anger. What he has done is shit, but his character isn’t.

XChrome · 12/09/2024 23:57

FunWithFlagz · 12/09/2024 13:03

Because people aren’t one thing or another. People are more complex than that. You can be nice with a terrible flaw. The good things he has done for me and the happy times we’ve had aren’t cancelled out by his porn addiction. There was a line and he’s crossed it so we’re no longer together, but I don’t have to hate him. He’s in therapy for it and I wish him well with his recovery so he can be a healthy, happy father to our children. I am choosing to move forward with kindness and grace because it feels better than anger. What he has done is shit, but his character isn’t.

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For the record, I wasn't suggesting you should hate him or that you should be unkind.

FunWithFlagz · 13/09/2024 00:20

XChrome · 12/09/2024 23:57

For the record, I wasn't suggesting you should hate him or that you should be unkind.

Show quote history

I wasn’t saying you did. I was just explaining my thoughts.

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