In laws coming as a package - where to go from here?

[lilloa]

DH is getting pretty down about this situation and I'm struggling to figure out what can make it better.

In a nutshell, he and his siblings have never got on that well. He's always felt a bit on a limb - he's the eldest and there's quite a big age gap with the youngest. Growing up it seemed like everything was geared towards his youngest sibling. Then both younger siblings ended up living at home until around their 30s (whilst DH moved out at 18 for university and then we lived together), and seemed to become very territorial over it and their relationship with their parents.

He used to just lump it, but things have come to a bit of a head now that we've recently had a baby. DH's siblings now expect to see the baby on a regular basis (i.e. every weekend) even though they have no relationship with him, to speak of. If DH tries to arrange anything with just his parents, they ensure the siblings are also there, or sulk. It's now reached the point where he doesn't really have a relationship with his parents either now, as all that seems to matter to them is not upsetting the others.

DH has tried to explain to his parents that he wants some one-on-one time with them but his DM says he's being unkind to his siblings.

All a bit baffling to me as my parents (as much as I love them) were always much more hands off with us as children! Very hard to see DH so down about it. Where do we go next?

Do you have any idea why his siblings want to see the baby so often? You'd think on the weekends they'd have other things to do. Every weekend is a lot.

Sounds like a very enmeshed unhealthy set up. I'm guessing your MIL is loving having them in her home and your FIL is likely going along with it all for a quiet/easy life? Can your dh start to just invite his parents to things, maybe a ticketed event to start where he has only got 3 tickets ( for him plus parents), break the cycle a bit? It's all sounding a bit weird and the siblings haven't got much else going on which is a bit odd.

Do they still live at home? If so, in a failure to launch sort of scenario, they might all see themselves as the home unit and your DH as the exciting extension of that, so visiting you and the baby is sort of the family project.

I have a kind of similar sitn, with DH's brother living with the in-laws; they don't do everything together but they do a lot, inc him coming along to see the DC when they do a weekly visit. Fortunately in our case relns are OK so not a problem, but I can see how DH and the DC are seen as a focus in what is otherwise a rather limited world.

If they not live outside the home but still don't want the DPils to do anything without them, then it's sibling rivalry gone mad and I don't know what the solution is!

Edited for typos

I think we need more info.

Have they moved out?

Is it a case of Sunday lunch this weekend. MIL invites everyone.

Have you tried can you pop round and cuddle baby please MIL so I can have a walk, bath, whatever.

Are they kind? Helpful? Want to be involved but not sure how to?

I don't know really. My MIL is head of the family type, she sets the invitation, you go or don't go. But she doesn't exclude anyone. She doesn't babysit either. She does her lunch thing once a week and that's her thing.

Thanks, all. Sorry, I kept the OP quite brief at the risk of otherwise getting into an essay, but you have all hit the nail on the head in different ways!

The siblings have finally moved out but they still seem to spend most of their weekends round at DPIL's. Both live very nearby and don't have huge social circles here. DPIL also have a nice house and a well-stocked fridge which I think they got used to!

DMIL loves babies and we think sees our baby as a bit of a bonding experience with her youngest who would love children but is single. They seem to ideally want time alone with the baby as a pair. DFIL wants an easy life so tries to engineer scenarios where we will leave the baby with them. Other sibling sees baby as a novelty.

What do you do? All we want is for DC to have as normal relationships as possible with family. We don't want to be the ones causing any dysfunction. But when we tried going with the flow it was never good enough. Then we tried putting down boundaries (e.g. only grandparents for some visits) and got called controlling/spiteful. Meanwhile poor DH has to navigate that whilst feeling rejected by his parents who seemingly aren't bothered about their relationship with him individually.

Given that your DH has had issues with his parents/siblings for a very long time, I'd strongly suggest he gets into therapy.

This will help him unpack it all and hopefully then lead him to:

1. figure out what he actually wants
2. how to say it to them
3. what he will do if it doesn't go his way

There is no point pushing for your DC to have a relationship with these people when the father of your child doesn't have a positive relationship with them.

Let him figure his stuff out first and then take it from there

DMIL loves babies and we think sees our baby as a bit of a bonding experience with her youngest who would love children but is single. They seem to ideally want time alone with the baby as a pair. DFIL wants an easy life so tries to engineer scenarios where we will leave the baby with them. Other sibling sees baby as a novelty.
Well that's a fuck no situation....
Your child is not an accessory or toy to fulfill a weird need that they, mil and dsib have.
Your dh is probably still emeshed and exhibiting learned behaviour where that all that matters is dmil and dsib are happy, strong no!!

Your child is not a toy. (Just seen my pp has written the same so I’ll still post).

Agree with others.
Your child is not a toy.
Get your husband into therapy.
Step completely back from his family and take space.
Every weekend is suffocating.
Take time away from them.
Their name calling if they don't get their way is toxic.
Take control and take a complete break.
They are taking too much space, time and energy.

As others have said, you need to back away from them.
One weekend a month is PLENTY! For the other three, spend the time with your DH and baby. Create your own family life away from this toxic bunch.

Your poor DH! It's obvious youngest sibling is the favourite, and their desire to see the baby is driving the odd behaviour. They don't want to see you or DH, they want time with the baby, preferably without it's parents.
I would stop the weekly visits, it's making your DH feel worse I should imagine. Could your DH change the dynamic by seeing his FIL on his own one weekend as you are shopping with your Mum/Best Friend? Could they bond over some joint interest (football/cars)? You've got to stop the 'whole family or nothing' visits but do it carefully. Drop in for a cup of tea unannounced as you were passing? Could FIL come over and help with cutting back the overgrown tree in the garden?

It’s an unhealthy set up and it’s impacting your DH so step away. Step back and create boundaries.