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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being too hasty?

25 replies

Lisa561 · 09/09/2024 14:59

So I was seeing someone for a couple of months and everything was going great. We'd discussed our future and that he said he'd never felt about anyone like he felt about me. We spoke about our DA relationships in the past and opened up about our feelings - things we're going amazing.

He then started to go quiet, he finally admitted that his emotionally abusive ex had been in touch and was starting to hound him again - my first question was why was she not blocked? He couldn't really give me an answer and even when I asked him to do it he kept making excuses. I said I'd be there for him but not when he was still communicating with her, especially when he said how bad she'd treated him.

On top of that I found out I was pregnant the night he told me he wasn't sure what he wanted and that he was stressed etc. He said he wanted to be with me but he couldn't really think straight and he couldn't explain why we weren't a priority anymore. I told him I was pregnant after and that I'd be looking at a termination. I wasn't in a position to bring a baby up on my own and I could tell it wasn't what he wanted.

I went through the termination on my own and there were complications (which he knew about) and not once did he check up on me or ask how I was. 3 Days later I contacted him to keep him informed and I said how disgusted I was that he couldn't even check on the woman he supposedly loved. Once again he made it all about him and how bad I was making him feel etc etc.

Regardless of this I still love him and I miss him so much - I'm not really sure how to deal with all of these emotions and whether I've been to harsh on him?

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 15:02

You need to walk away from this one OP. He is still attached to his ex, he needs to choose to walk away from her for himself, not for/because of you.

The harsh truth is that if he did have feelings for you then he wouldn’t have treated you this way.

DeCaray · 09/09/2024 15:02

He's a waste is space. Mooning over his ex who probably didn't treat him badly at all, he's just said that to you in order for you to try harder at appeasing him and not complaining about anything so that you won't be compared to his alleged 'awful' ex.

You had an abortion and he couldn't care less.

He doesn't love you, respect you or even care about you.

NewtonsCradle · 09/09/2024 15:03

You haven't been harsh enough. What do you love about a man who wasn't there for you when you needed him? Block him and move on.

Sheelanogig · 09/09/2024 15:05

Take your self respect and your sanity, and do not give him any more of your time.
See a therapist for yourself as you've been on a rapid (perhaps love bombed journey) and he has messed you around.

You are worth more.

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2024 15:06

We'd discussed our future and that he said he'd never felt about anyone like he felt about me.

First line first page first chapter of the gaslighting love bombing bullshitters handbook.

His actions have shown you his words were BS. You don’t love him, you fell for a illusion of a man who doesn’t exist.

Let his ex have him and shut the door

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 09/09/2024 15:07

Walk away. Let me list, just from your OP, his shitty behaviours:

claims his ex was abusive and yet, with no children in the picture etc, he can't even block her. If he was abused (doubtful), he's clearly not ready to move on. More likely, he's the one reinitiating contact with her.
He loved bombed you, then withdrew. Pretty classic early abusive behaviour - while he sees what you'll put up with.
You went through a termination with zero support from him.
When you are ill and unhappy, he can't stop with his own whining for 10 minutes to give you some support.

Move on.

Neverstophoping · 09/09/2024 15:07

No you haven't been too harsh on him.

He obviously wasn't truthful about his
"emotionally abuse " ex and obviously has feelings for her.

He wasn't there for you and didn't give you any support. Hurtful as it is OP you will be better off without him going forward.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2024 15:07

You don't love him. You love the pretend version of him, and you now know the reality.

Block him and never look back.

Miffylou · 09/09/2024 15:10

No of course you haven’t been too harsh on him. He obviously still has feelings for his ex (despite slagging her off to you) and he showed no sign of caring about your well-being when you needed him most. He won’t change and will always let you down. Block him and move on.

Original poster

Lisa561 · 09/09/2024 15:17

Thank you everyone, deep down I know the truth. I'm just struggling to make it all add up to who I thought he was and who he really is.

OP posts:

SauviGone · 09/09/2024 15:30

Just a couple of months, so like what, 8 weeks in, you've opened up about previous abusive relationships, say you're in love, talked of the future and got pregnant.

Red flags all over this from both sides. You need to see a therapist.

MounjaroUser · 09/09/2024 15:32

You don't love him. You couldn't possibly love someone who treated you so badly. Think of it as an addiction - you wouldn't say an alcoholic loved alcohol, would you? It lures them in then destroys them. That's exactly what this man is doing. Go cold turkey.

ohyesido · 09/09/2024 15:41

This man is very weak and emotionally immature. I think you haven’t been harsh enough

Waterboatlass · 09/09/2024 15:45

Block him and access counselling, I would assume this will be possible through the family planning service. He isn't a good man or the one you thought he was. I'm sorry but you barely knew him.

DadJoke · 09/09/2024 15:45

I am so sorry this happened to you - he was abusive and you are well shot of him.

MrRobinsonsQuango · 09/09/2024 15:46

Not too harsh, l would have been way harsher. You can do way better than him

Dozycuntlaters · 09/09/2024 15:50

You don't love him, you don't even know him. You love the idea of what you hoped/wanted him to be.

The timeline is madness given you only knew him 2 months, I've had stuff in my fridge longer than that.

Work on yourself and your boundaries before you even consider dating again.

MonsteraMama · 09/09/2024 15:51

Who you thought he was was the love bombing character he was playing for you for the first few months, the "never felt this way before" person. The mask.

Who he really is is the man who is so hung up on his ex that he let you go through an abortion alone and offered zero support or comfort or even apology. No he made your abortion about his feelings.

Don't let your feelings for the mask make you stay with the man who was wearing it, because the mask is gone now.

Sassybooklover · 09/09/2024 16:03

No, you don't love him, you fell for an illusion of someone, who doesn't actually exist. The person you are seeing now, is the reality of who he is. You became pregnant and had to go through a termination, with zero support from him. When you did contact him, the conversation ended up being about him and his feelings. I'd bet my bottom dollar, that is ex wasn't abusive either. Most normal people once they had untangled themselves from a horrible partner, would have instantly blocked them. I don't want to lecture, but you need to seriously sort out contraception for yourself and insist on any partner in the future uses condoms too. Run for the hills, he is not a good person.

INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2024 16:09

So I was seeing someone for a couple of months

You shared way too much in a very short space of time. Considering you have both been in abusive relationships this is not a good thing for either of you to have shared so quickly. You need to work out why you made yourself so vulnerable (and therefore lowering your boundaries) before you date again.

merrywidow · 09/09/2024 16:56

He's got loads of red flags !!!!!

JoyousPinkPeer · 09/09/2024 17:08

Jog on ... he sounds terrible

LightSpeeds · 09/09/2024 17:35

Ditto all of the above. Walk away and DON'T look back.

pictoosh · 09/09/2024 17:42

What a load of spraff he talks.
"I've never felt like this with anyone before."
Yet the second another option became available, he cooled off and left you dangling.
Never judge someone by what they say but by what they DO.

Waste of space.

CornishMaid2024 · 09/09/2024 17:55

Lisa561 · 09/09/2024 15:17

Thank you everyone, deep down I know the truth. I'm just struggling to make it all add up to who I thought he was and who he really is.

This is why it’s really important to get to know someone over a long period of time - take it slow!
My partner of 10 years (we now have a 5 & 6 year old) I didn’t have sex with him for about 2 months into dating and we used a condom until we’d been together about 6 months.
I’d never risk pregnancy so early in a relationship.
He sounds abusive, I’d block him and get therapy to heal and explore how you can have healthy relationships going forward.

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