I’m struggling with my sister who I think is perhaps quite insecure and unhappy herself. She had her son 2 years ago, and I am due my first baby soon. She was very excited when I announced I was expecting but as my due date becomes nearer her behaviour is changing. Some examples
Eating out in a restaurant together with the whole family, our parents included. They get out a tablet for my nephew and he starts to watch YouTube. I smile at him and try to steer the conversation to him, about his favourite shows. She immediately jumps in, out the blue, with ‘maybecactus will never rely on screens, I’m sure you’ll NEVER do screen time’ then sip her wine and nudge her husband and they both smirk together. Completely out the blue. I tried to return a bit of a baffled look and just played it off and said I don’t think you can ever say never, we’ll have to see, who knows etc. But she kept on and repeated it and then stared me out waiting for a reaction and I grew more and more uncomfortable. My mum checked after if I was ok and said it was very rude. I said yes fine, water off a duck’s back but just confused as it seemed very unprovoked. My mum told me my sister had been confiding in her before the meal saying she was so worried everyone would think she was a crap parent and judging her. Fine, but I’ve never judged her, and it’s not an excuse to be rude?
When it’s just the two of us, she won’t stop trying to steer the conversation to maternity leave and asking ‘are you going to have the full year? you really should’. I can’t afford it due to our new mortgage and have told her a lot of times that I’ll be back after 10 months. I’m kind of bored of that conversation now. She leaps in again with, ‘you just don’t know how you’ll feel at the time, hope it all works out for you the way you want it to’. The way she says this is not very nice. She is a SAHM so never needed to go back to work. I was beginning to feel as though I had to justify it so explained a lot of people on my due date group were taking 8-10 months and that seemed quite normal. She kept repeating that it wasn’t the case in her experience and most people save enough to be comfortable before baby comes along. At this point I felt like crap.
Asking if I have my name down on baby massage and sensory waiting lists yet. I say I’ll think about it more when she’s a few months and not bothered for anything while she is so little. She raised her eyebrows and said ‘you’ll miss the boat entirely and there won’t be space when you need it, plus it’s crucial for you to make friends’ and then goes on about how isolating I will find it. It all seems really patronising and I just feel so weak as all I can do is sit there and nod.
Then for the icing on the cake. I’ll preface this one by saying she’s never liked my husband, though it isn’t personal to him as she also hates her sister in law on her husband’s side. She’s slighted him (mainly through me) for years. He is polite and tries to banter with her but it’s only for my sake and he thinks she is no good to be around, and doesn’t want our baby girl around her if she’s going to behave like that, which I totally agree with. We were sitting around and she was talking about her friend who got a divorce, very loudly, and then declared ‘I’m just proud of her for walking away from a situation that was clearly bad for her’. It was directed right at me, I could feel her staring at me but didn’t look up from my phone. DH saw her looking at me though. I’m 7 months pregnant, what on earth does she think she’s trying to achieve? (Btw DH is a lovely, kind man who would do anything for me and is very well liked by my parents and friends, basically everyone who genuinely cares!)
She swings from behaviours like the above to saying how much she can’t wait for me to be on maternity leave as we can do things together all the time with the children. It’s constantly changing behaviour which feels very confusing. I really don’t want to be around her, now or then, with the way she behaves, but she lives around the corner and I do think has a lot going on in her head which makes it difficult for me to feel as though I can step away.
I am aware though that I’m vulnerable at the moment and will be moreso postpartum. Spending time with her makes me feel inadequate and worry, which is an obvious sign I need better boundaries and to stick up for myself a bit better.
What would you do if you were me at this time?