Financing holidays when living apart

[dontbeabsurd]

Another one about finances. Together for 4 years, adult children, living apart atm for many reasons. Partner earns 4 x as much as I do, however, disposable monthly income is only 20% higher than mine as he’s saving/investing as much as he can towards early retirement. I am able to save a little bit, nowhere near as much as he does, no chance of early retirement on the salary I’m on but I’m self sufficient.
I travel abroad more than he does and it’s unavoidable (family matters). I obviously pay for these travels in full. When it comes to our holidays together, his preference is 50/50, and the argument is that I can afford other travels so why would he have to pay more on our trips. That’s what we’ve been doing but it just doesn’t sit well with me. It may partly be a cultural thing. It makes my budget stretch even more, kills the romance and I feel like I’m going away with a mate, not a (romantic) partner.

I’m aware that there are no definite rights or wrongs in this scenario but I’m curious to hear ppl’s views.

This, your finances are separate, your house are separate, so why should he subsidise your joint holiday? Just means he needs to adjust his expectations as to the level of luxury.

A previous partner and I used to have a regular holiday with friends. We lived together but didn't have a joint account. We always paid our own way, he earned almost double what I did. Our other friends were earning similar amounts to him. I generally had to cut back on my personal expenses to go away with them but most of the time it was manageable. If they particularly wanted to go somewhere that was out of my range, I would drop out of that trip. It didn't happen that often and I could put the money saved on the next trip.

When we were away I did feel on a par with everyone as they were respectful of my situation. I would have hated to be relying on my partner's generosity if I'd let him cover my costs (not that he ever offered).

I see both points of view. Effectively you go away more than he does albeit not for fun. You still go though.

If you didn't go then you could do the same things? He doesn't want to fund you so you either dial back in what you do together or put up with it.

PS if he earns that much it would be nice if he treated you at least once.

@Isthisreasonable thank you for sharing your perspective. I wouldn’t feel not on par with others if everyone was earning more than I did and my partner offered support with my expenses. Again, it’s the question of values around money and how you tie your value to money and your earning power.

That’s what we’ve been doing but it just doesn’t sit well with me.

Paying for your own holidays doesn’t sit well with you and kills the romance?

Does he ever save money at your expense, such as expecting to stay with you for several days without contributing at all?

Is he happy to holiday within a budget that is affordable to you? If so then 50/50 seems reasonable.

If he wants to go somewhere more expensive with you then, he could be expected to chip in a bit more so you can go on the more expensive holiday together.

Again, it’s the question of values around money and how you tie your value to money and your earning power.

I’m not entirely sure how this means he’s trying value to money or earning power? You seem to be the one doing that and suggesting if he paid more he therefore loves you more which is false. Value isn’t equated to money.

You’re basically just dating, you don’t share a home so there’s no reason your income or the fact that you travel more should really come into the equation in terms of holidays with your BF.

I can see both points of view.
All I can say is, holiday within your budget with him. If he expects to on a 5k and 50/50 then it's not doable or fair. If he's happy to holiday on a budget then you can't really complain.

I cannot believe that I'm the only one who thinks, wtf!!!. I would definitely expect my dp to treat me if he was earning much more than me. I would also treat him if I was earning more. As it happens we both earn about the same and often treat each other as part of a loving/supportive relationship. Surely it's not just me 🤔
If so that's fuckin depressing 😕

What culture expects your boyfriend to pay for your holiday?

One of the group did bring a girlfriend on a trip and he paid for her all the time (she also earned much less) but it felt very infantilising to me. She obviously didn't have a problem with it so maybe I was the mug for standing on my own 2 feet.

Should definitely be 50/50

@MounjaroUser no he doesn’t. He contributes what he believes is fair: 50/50.
@RobinEllacotStrike thats the consensus we’ve reached at the moment. We are going on holiday in Europe rather than further away as it is within my budget. However, I wonder if at some point he will feel that my money constraints are in the way of how and where he’d like to spend his free time with his girlfriend.
@StormingNorman there are some European cultures (look South and East) where the partner who earns more contributes financially more to the relationship, including holiday. What’s the norm here is not the norm everywhere.
@Isthisreasonable you may have found it infantile, for them it may have been absolutely fine, with neither party feeling exploited/exploiting the other.

Agreed.

He earns 4 times more than you and is aggrieved to contribute to a holiday at no more than 50/50 as he is saving All his money for early retirement??

There's a word for that.... Starts with M.

Miser.

Is he stingy in other ways @dontbeabsurd ?

@alwayslearning789 I would label him as ‘careful with his money’. So now I have become careful with my money, too. Which is exactly the opposite of how I was in the beginning of the relationship: I was more generous with little gifts and treats.
Since the 50/50 talk I’ve decided to be more protective of my finances.

Incredible, isn’t it? Of course it should be 50/50.

No way would I be financing a lower earner on holidays when don't live with them and pool resources. 50:50 all the way

I’d say it would be really nice if him to offer to treat you but that it shouldn’t be an entitlement.

And from his POV he sees that you’re frequently travelling abroad and so why should he finance you when he himself travels far less?