Hey, so I am not entirely sure why or how I have found myself here but I need a sanity check from someone outside of the situation.
My husband and, by extension our entire family unit, has been through a lot of stress over the past couple of years, which has resulted in him developing depression. It's been really difficult to live with as his moods are just awful.
Around 2 months ago, I felt something was massively 'off,' and whilst it's not my finest moment, I checked his phone to find drug orders. I confronted him about this and he admitted he has been regularly (2-3 times per week, including just at home with our family) taking MDMA for 10+years and hiding it from me. Obviously, my world was pretty rocked at this revelation and his being able to keep a secret like this for 10 years (to give context, I do all the laundry and cleaning etc and have never found anything remotely suspicious). I knew he had been heavy drinking to cope with stress but had no idea this was going on. We chatted it through, I decided to support him and we committed to therapy.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and we were at a small gathering of friends. To cut a long story short, that evening I also found out he's been taking coke. We had a disagreement, decided to come home to talk about it and laid it to bed...that was all done.
Then the following week, he went to a networking do and disappeared for the best part of 24 hours. When he came home (again wrong of me) I checked his wallet and found cocaine. I threw it away. The following week, he seemed 'off; again. I asked him to do a drug test and he was fine with it until I showed him I had already bought them, at which point he flipped out and became aggressive...the eventual result was that he was positive and had taken cocaine at work two days before.
His therapy has made things worse. In therapy he has created an entire fake persona for himself, making up literal rubbish about being scarred from his childhood (getting in trouble for smoking a fag etc or being told off for not being home on time). I am trying to be patient with this, however, I feel he may be exploiting me - I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and he knows any mention of childhood trauma really gets me on side. I understand trauma is caused in different ways and has different effects on people but I really feel these are normal childhood things being used to excuse his behaviour.
Since therapy began, his drinking is heavier. I am talking 10-12 beers and a third to a half of a bottle of spirits or two bottles of wine every day. Last week he had a seizure after drinking - I told him and he stopped for one day.
He is now becoming aggressive and verbally intimidating. Last night he called me a 'fat bitch,' 'poison,' a 'psychopath,' 'c*nt,' 'manipulative' and he says I am the cause of all his problems (even though he has been taking drugs for 35 years). He said he wanted to go to couples counselling (something which I have asked for and he has previously refused) and when I asked why he had changed his mind, thinking he really may want to save our marriage, he sneered and told me he wanted to see the counsellor tell me how ridiculous I am.
I am a smart, funny, well-educated woman and I cannot believe I am in this situation. He keeps begging me not to leave and telling me I promised to support him in sickness or in health but I cannot live in this misery. My friends tell me to leave but I can't find the strength.
So basically, I am here looking for people's opinions, am I completely ridiculous or is he being an abusive AH? Because right now I feel gaslit to the point of absolute insanity and am so ashamed that I can barely turn to anyone in real life anymore.
Please help me.