Dilemma over monetary gift

[Dilemmadooda]

First of all I want to acknowledge that we are in a very fortunate situation to be in this dilemma.

For context, our mortgage is huge and we struggle to make ends meet each month. We have no savings and a small amount of credit card debt. Our respective parents all have good pensions and are comfortable in retirement.

My parents have recently offered to pay for some fertility treatment for us which will cost approx £10-15k. We are very grateful and thanked them profusely. We have had some NHS treatment and will continue to have this, but the NHS cannot do anymore than they are already doing.

Due to the relationships being a bit different - still loving and seeing regularly but not as close- PIL do not know about the fertility treatment. They have just told us that they are going to give us a very significant amount of money. They have made it clear that although it is our choice they think it would be best if we put it on the mortgage. After our credit card debts are paid off and some essential house repairs completed the remaining sum should be around £40k.

The dilemma is whether we should still accept the money from my parents for the fertility treatment, or if we should return/refuse it. DH’s feeling is that the money from my parents was freely given for a particular purpose and so we should accept it, and that as his parents intended their money to go on the mortgage that is what we should use theirs for. I feel guilty accepting the money from my parents now that our financial situation has changed.

Op if you are already struggling how on earth do you think you will be able to afford a baby?? It's really expensive x

I would say the most pressing thing is bringing a child you can't afford into the world. Sorry but it's true.

I think if money is given for a particular reason then it’s for that. DS was left some money by my Dad for educational purposes only. He only got himself on to a degree apprenticeship so doesn’t need any money at all for educational reasons. So he will be given it for a house deposit, it’s a weird one as part of me feels bad as that’s what my Dad intended it for.

My first thought too.

OP take the money from your parents. They're kind and would understand that pil's gift would be to help you with your living costs.
Two separate things imo, yet one will help the other.

We already have one child and want her to have a sibling. That is not up for discussion. We have reasonably well-paid jobs but are struggling due to my previous maternity pay and cost of childcare at present - which will reduce very soon.

Debts paid off leaves £40k
Save £20k for a future maternity leave
The other £20k for the mortgage

The money from your parents I would put towards a private exploratory laparoscopy to find out the reason for your infertility.

If you already know the problem lies with DH then put it towards IVF/ICSI.

Both sets of parents are being very kind and I would have no hesitation in accepting their generosity.

I think your parents will be very hurt if you don't accept the money they've offered. And I think you'll afford the baby. People have been doing for a long time!

Can you move somewhere more affordable? It doesn’t sound a good situation at all to be in when trying to conceive. How will you afford nursery if you can’t afford to save any money? We saved up a it and it’s still very expensive!!

Your parents are giving you money specifically for fertility treatment, so you should accept it and use it for this.

Your PILs are offering you money to help with your mortgage, so you should accept it and use it for this.

I do not think you are obliged to tell either group of parents about the gifts from the other, unless you feel that this will cause bad feeling if either is revealed to the other. Personally I would be totally open with both sets - it is simpler and clearer and being open is less stressful!

Good luck with your fertility treatment.

Why not just tell your parents about the money. Then they can either say no take it anyway we want you to have it, or oh what a relief that would have been a stretch for us

It is actually the plan to move as well at some point soon. We are paying one set of nursery fees already and the age gap would be such that we wouldn’t need to pay two.

This is what I would like to do and DH agrees, but I think would be disappointed to have such a dent taken out of the money from his parents.

Just be transparent with them.

”Thank you DM&D. We really appreciate the money for fertility treatment. It means so much to us. DPIL have also helped us with a contribution to reduce our mortgage, which will also help to make taking care of our child more affordable. We are so lucky to have you all looking out for us. It means so much.”

And the counterpart to that to PIL too.

I guess that is natural, but 6 months ago you didn't have either of the money gifts so you're benefitting substantially

Once your debts are paid off and you put 40k into your mortgage, you’ll presumably not have debts to pay each month and your mortgage payments will be smaller, can you then cover your monthly bills and save? How long would it take you to save for your own fertility treatment? I do think pp is correct that bringing an expensive baby into the house when you can’t pay your bills as it is, is a bit of a recipe for disaster.
if you’re close enough to talk to your parents about fertility I’d just tell them about this money and ask if they are still happy or if they’d prefer you to save now you’re in a better position
I wouldnt use the 40k for fertility if they’ve specified it’s to help you with your mortgage.

Tbh I think you’re overthinking. I reckon you should take the monies and use them for their intended purposes.

Best of luck with the treatment. Fingers crossed for a dry Christmas! 🤞 🌲

It’s likely your parents are gifting you this because of expected budget changes in October - they are just labelling it for fertility. If they can afford it - take it.

I would not tell your parents about the other money / it’s more than they are giving you and it might make them feel bad about their generous gift!

Accept the money from both sets of parents, use it for the intended purposes and enjoy having some of the financial burden lifted from your shoulders

Christ, do you hear yourself? You're being offered huge sums of money up the wazoo when you're skint but it's not good enough for you?

How many rounds of IVF are you prepared to try to pay for here? Have you agreed a cut off somewhere?

And as per PP, this doesn't sound like a financially responsible or sustainable set of decisions you're making.

I’d be honest with both and ask if they mind your plans. I suspect it’s fine.

I don’t understand your maths though, as you’ve another set of maternity and nursery fees if you are successful and your families are already having to bail you out.

Personally I'd gratefully accept all the money. Also, I'd put aside some of the in-law money in case the first round of fertility treatment is unsuccessful. We spent a great deal more than 15k on fertility treatment to conceive dc2. Then if you don't need it you can then pay it off then.