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Original poster

DD’s Aunt has preference for her other niece

23 replies

Box0ftissues · 09/09/2024 11:41

DH and I have one DD, age 7

DH’s brother and his wife have one DD age 5, who I will refer to as “Lucy”

DH’s also has a sister, who is childfree (but only 32 and single so may have kids in future).

DH isn’t really particularly close to either his brother or sister, they get along fine but just not close & we don’t really socialise with them outside of family gatherings. I have tried to make an effort but it’s never really been reciprocated and I find his siblings flakey.

However, DH’s brother & sister are close.

All this has never really bothered me, but it’s now obvious that DH’s sister has a strong preference for Lucy over my DD and I can see my DD starting to feel rejected.

When my DD was born DH’s sister never really made an effort to get to know her, spend time with her or anything. But when Lucy was born she made loads of effort. I appreciate this is probably because she is closer to Lucy’s parents than she is to me & DH.

The problem is now DD is 7 she is becoming very aware of her aunty having a favourite niece and I just can’t bear to see DD feeling sad like this. It just breaks my heart.

It’s worse because both kids adore their aunt (DH’s sister) and really look up to her. She’s very bubbly and the kind of adult who still wears sparkly nail polish or uses pink hairspray etc - so obviously the kids think she is awesome.

She treats both her nieces the same in terms of birthday gifts etc but the stronger bond between aunty and Lucy is just obvious. We saw them yesterday at a family gathering & aunty was talking about having taken Lucy to softplay and I could see my DD processing the information and her smile fading ….aunty has never taken my DD anywhere.

We all live within a 30 minute drive of each other so physical proximity is not an issue.

How should I handle this? Tried to speak to DH but he kind of shrugged it off.

DD and Lucy have a great relationship with each other FWIW

OP posts:
Seeline · 09/09/2024 11:45

Well if your Dh isn't close to his siblings, then I can't really see an issue as you're not meeting up particularly often.
If the aunt often sees the other niece because she is close to her brother, then she is obviously going to know that niece better.
That's what you tell your DD. Don't make a thing of it.
If your DH isn't really close with the others, then it's down to him.

Prinnny · 09/09/2024 11:51

If she treats them equally in terms of gifts I don’t think it’s something you should raise with her. You don’t have a close relationship with her but she does with her other SIL so naturally she is more involved in that nieces life.

If you want to encourage a closer relationship with her and your DD I would suggest you try and develop a relationship with her yourself.

MinorTom · 09/09/2024 11:54

You cannot force relationships. It is what it is. Your DH doesn’t have a strong relationship either which leads to the sibling not having a strong relationship with his child. Really the two adults with the most impact on a child’s wellbeing are the parents make sure you all have good relationships and your DD will be fine.

MidYearDiary · 09/09/2024 11:57

You don't handle it at all. Your SIL prefers her other niece, as she's close to that niece's father and not to you and your DH, but she's equal with presents. Your DD will deal with this as you model it to her. If you are visibly resenting your SIL's evident bond with her other niece, your daughter will follow suit. If you are breezy and neutral about it, and say that everyone has different relationships, and that her aunt is closer to the other child because the other child's father is her favourite sibling, your DD won't develop some kind of complex about it.

LadeOde · 09/09/2024 12:04

I wouldn't tell DD aunt is closer to her cousin because 'the cousin's father is her favourite sibling!', that's an awful thing to tell her and she will definitely have a complex about that. Just say the cousin is closer to her aunt because they see each other more often. Leave DD to process whatever that means as she grows older.

DaisyChain505 · 09/09/2024 12:13

If she is closer to her other brother over your husband it’s just natural that she is spending more time with their child and therefore is closer to them.

Unless your husband is willing to put in more effort with his sister to try and create a stronger bond between everyone, there isn’t much for you to do.

This isn’t your issue or your responsibility. You can’t control people and the effort they decide to put into relationships

AtYourOwnRisk · 09/09/2024 12:15

LadeOde · 09/09/2024 12:04

I wouldn't tell DD aunt is closer to her cousin because 'the cousin's father is her favourite sibling!', that's an awful thing to tell her and she will definitely have a complex about that. Just say the cousin is closer to her aunt because they see each other more often. Leave DD to process whatever that means as she grows older.

People prefer other people all the time. Only on Mn is this some terrible evidence of unkindness and exclusion.

Everleigh13 · 09/09/2024 12:16

I don’t think you should do anything. It sounds quite natural when you explain the relationships between your DH and his siblings. My DH has more than one sibling and the relationships between the cousins / aunts / uncles are different. I would just model a good response for your DD. I do understand why you are sad for your DD though, sometimes things don’t work out exactly as you’d hoped.

HeyPrestoAlakazam · 09/09/2024 12:17

I've got two nieces, two years apart and I'll admit I am closer to the older one.

But the main reason for this is the effort her parents make with me, as opposed to the minuscule effort the little one's parents make.. It can't help but make a difference because when I see Dsis 2 more regularly DN1 is there at home so we've got closer because we've had more opportunities to spend time together.

Dsis1 is always too busy, was overprotective with DN2 so we weren't allowed to hold her, or babysit. And now it's becoming more obvious as the girls get older...even though I don't like it. I actually do love them both the same and spend/save the same amount on/for them...I just know DN1 better and she knows me better than her other Auntie too. Which is awkward as, although when we are all together I am not expressing any favouritism, DN1 clearly prefers me to DSis 1 and will run straight for me and jump on me and hug me while DSis1 barely gets a hello.

I just want to stress in case it's the same situation with your DD...that I want an equal relationship with both my nieces but it's the parent that's got in the way of that. If you want things to improve, your husband needs to make more of an effort with his sister. Also, from the aunt's perspective, you could tell her that DD has noticed the closeness with Lucy and is getting sad that she isn't as close and ask if there is anyway they could develop their relationship a bit more. She might have some ideas. I wouldn't be offended...I'd welcome the opportunity to get closer with my other niece.

SkaneTos · 09/09/2024 12:21

Do you and your husband make an effort with the aunt?
Send her photos of your family, send her drawings that your daughter has made?
Do you ask the aunt about her life?

TheBeesKnee · 09/09/2024 12:25

I don't like how you've framed this as an aunty issue instead of a DH issue. He clearly doesn't give a shit and isn't making an effort.

So your options are to remain distant or take matters into your own hands and forge a relationship with SIL so that she sees your family more and has more opportunities to interact with your DD. I do appreciate that it's not ideal and part of the wife work that so many women pick up but if it's important to you then you need to make an effort.

WimpoleHat · 09/09/2024 12:26

As others have said, this is a function of the closer relationship between the other siblings. She will see Lucy more often and therefore will know her better/be closer to her. The only thing you can do is try to invite DH’s sister to more things/try to see her more often, but she may not want to do this if the two of them simply aren’t very close. If your DD mentions anything, just breezily say, “Oh - I think Auntie spends more time at Uncle Robert’s house because they like the same things/are closer in age/it’s more convenient (or whatever)”.

ButterAsADip · 09/09/2024 12:30

That’s how it goes - when you’re not close to an adult you’re not gonna be close to their kid. I say that as someone who has a side of the family we don’t see. You can’t expect good relationships out of the blue. If you don’t gel thats fine but it’s not going to be a close relationship for your daughter either.

DillyDilly · 09/09/2024 12:41

You’re not close to your in-laws, your DH doesn’t have a close relationship with his brother or sister. His sister is close to her brother and as a result has a closer relationship with his child, they see one another outside of family gatherings, So, it’s entirely normal and natural that your sister-in-law has a closer relationship with her niece that she sees regularly.

Then only way to handle it is not make a big deal of it and maybe explain to your DD that her Aunt sees her cousin more often and visits them quite a bit and that’s the way it is.

Original poster
Box0ftissues · 09/09/2024 12:52

Thanks for the responses some interesting perspectives.

To answer a few questions although we don’t see aunty one-on-one, DH’s family are big on family gatherings so it’s not a case of never seeing her.

In terms of the one on ones, I have invited aunty out for coffee etc a couple of times but she’s never accepted or reciprocated. I’ve always tried to be friendly and include her, I invited her to my hen do, that kind of thing. I would say I’ve always extended out a hand of friendship but for whatever reason nothing has come of it.

DH is a bit rubbish so yes he probably needs to step up.

I don’t really care if Aunty likes me or not, I’m old enough to appreciate not everyone likes everyone. I just feel sad for DD as she idolises aunty and I feel like family gatherings are getting awkward for DD.

OP posts:
yeesh · 09/09/2024 12:58

It doesn’t sound like she prefers on child over another just that she sees them more often so knows them better. I am close with my sisters kids (& stepkids) as I see them often. I spend the same on them as I do my nephew on my husbands side but we hardly ever see him so we’re not close. That’s down to my husband and his family as they’re not close & don’t see each other from one year to the next 🤷‍♀️

Dolliesdisasterousdayout · 09/09/2024 13:05

Invite Lucy and her mum out to soft play, the park, the theatre etc so that dd has fun with that aunt.

BananaGrapeMelon · 09/09/2024 13:08

Honestly OP I would just shrug your shoulders and accept that this is one of those things.

3LemonsAndLime · 09/09/2024 13:12

HeyPrestoAlakazam · 09/09/2024 12:17

I've got two nieces, two years apart and I'll admit I am closer to the older one.

But the main reason for this is the effort her parents make with me, as opposed to the minuscule effort the little one's parents make.. It can't help but make a difference because when I see Dsis 2 more regularly DN1 is there at home so we've got closer because we've had more opportunities to spend time together.

Dsis1 is always too busy, was overprotective with DN2 so we weren't allowed to hold her, or babysit. And now it's becoming more obvious as the girls get older...even though I don't like it. I actually do love them both the same and spend/save the same amount on/for them...I just know DN1 better and she knows me better than her other Auntie too. Which is awkward as, although when we are all together I am not expressing any favouritism, DN1 clearly prefers me to DSis 1 and will run straight for me and jump on me and hug me while DSis1 barely gets a hello.

I just want to stress in case it's the same situation with your DD...that I want an equal relationship with both my nieces but it's the parent that's got in the way of that. If you want things to improve, your husband needs to make more of an effort with his sister. Also, from the aunt's perspective, you could tell her that DD has noticed the closeness with Lucy and is getting sad that she isn't as close and ask if there is anyway they could develop their relationship a bit more. She might have some ideas. I wouldn't be offended...I'd welcome the opportunity to get closer with my other niece.

I second this post, again as the Aunt in this situation. I love all nieces and nephews equally and spend money on all equally, but do spend more time with those I have a closer proximity too and their parents facilitate it too. I would very much welcome the parent/s of my other nieces reaching out and offering 1:1 time with my nieces or to do things with them as a family. I would absolutely try this with your SIL.

Bemusedandconfusedagain · 09/09/2024 13:16

I agree that it's a natural consequence of the siblings' relationships, but you might find you can nudge things a little to strengthen the bond with the aunt. E.g. could you message her to say that DD loved seeing her the other day and wondered if aunt would like to come round for a tea party? I wouldn't mention it to DD until all confirmed though.

MrsKwazi · 09/09/2024 13:20

Surely this is a tale as old as time? My mum is one of 6, there are two aunts (one now sadly died) who I feel/felt closer with than my own mother. You cannot force relationships, and you also get out what you put in!! It is totally up to you how you frame this to your daughter though. You can totally influence the effect this has on her based on how you frame it and the conversations you have. Don’t feed the drama!

Dearg · 09/09/2024 13:31

I am an auntie to several nieces and nephews. I am definitely closer to my siblings children than I am to DH’s side, and I am closer to the children of one sibling than I am to those of the other.

I try to keep things even handed in how I treat them- gifts etc, and treats when they were younger, but it is all just a function of time spent with my sibling - I am more likely to drop by one sibling ; I am more likely to be asked to babysit by one sibling etc.

But if any of them needed my, I would be there for them.

LadeOde · 09/09/2024 18:08

AtYourOwnRisk · 09/09/2024 12:15

People prefer other people all the time. Only on Mn is this some terrible evidence of unkindness and exclusion.

Show quote history

People prefer other people of course but only an idiot will tell their young daughter that her aunt, whom she's pining for unfortunately prefers her uncle to her father and by extension their children.

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