What would you do?

[username101010]

I've recently been contacted by a friend and relatives tracing service. I called them today and it's an old friend from university 30 years ago.

They read me a letter that she had written me apologising for her awful behaviour decades ago, the last time I saw her. I visited her and we went out and got quite drunk. She started shouting at me, picked up some broken glass and held it to my throat. A man came rushing over and asked if I was alright.

I didn't feel particularly threatened as I was also drunk and didn't believe she'd harm me. I haven't spoken to her since.

So the letter apologises for her behaviour and how much she regrets her actions and that she regrets losing the friendship.

Would you resume contact?

It might be a nice thing to do to at least acknowledge and thank her for the apology. Whether you actually want to try resuming the friendship or not is really only something you can decide.

Prior to this incident, how long had you known her and what was her behaviour like?

Honestly, probably not. Or perhaps thank her for the apology and leave it at that. But then I’m not one for rekindling past relationships.

At most, I would acknowledge the apology.

We were good friends for about five years. Quite close. We had drifted apart as she had moved quite far away to live with her boyfriend but still saw each other. We had a bit of a tiff, and hadn't seen each other for a while then were back in contact again before this incident.

This was the first time she'd ever been aggressive with me. In the letter she says she regrets the nasty things she said but I can't remember what she said. It must have been haunting her as she's paid over 1k to find me and apologise.

She regrets the nasty things she said. And the physical aggression?

Maybe she's done it as part of the 12-step programme - one of the steps being to apologise for people you have ill-treated or hurt in some way. So this may not be her seeking to resume contact, it's her fulfilling that part of the sobriety process. I'd acknowledge it and thank her and whatever else you'd like to say and leave it at that.

She didn't specifically mention it, but talked about her disgusting behaviour.

She said she wanted to get back in contact but would understand if I didn't want to.

Well, I think for it to be genuine she needs to acknowledge the specifics. Otherwise what is she apologising for.

It sounds horrendous experience for you. Drunk or not.

It sounds worse than it actually was. She was very drunk, started shouting and grabbed a broken bottle from the ground and held it near my neck. I didn't actually believe she'd hurt me, I think I told her to calm down and stop being stupid - something like that.

She was shouting very loudly as a man ran over the road and came over and asked me if I was ok. I remember telling him that she was just drunk and not to take any notice. She threw the bottle away. I was going to leave and get a cab but was staying at hers and she told me to come back. I didn't mention what happened the next day but didn't talk to her again.

I would acknowledge her apology and move on, not resume the friendship.

I think acknowledging it could be beneficial to her as it may be that's she's working through some difficulties in her life and trying to move forwards.

If you feel like you could forgive her I would send a reply via the company that contacted you.

You don’t necessarily have to start up a relationship with her again if you don’t want to however just letting her know that you forgive her and hope she is happy In life would I’m sure be very much appreciated.

We’re all fighting our own inner battles and god knows what she may have been dealing with at the time that she acted inappropriately towards you but if she’s spend this much money trying to track you down it’s clear how much it’s eating her up and still effecting her.

Nooooo don’t establish contact again, unless you want to end up in another bonkers position with her.

It’s nice she has apologised but it doesn’t have to be a way for her to get to come back into your life.

Older person here - time has moved on and I wouldn't connect again. What's the point? As to whether you acknowledge your call.

No way on earth. You can acknowledge and show compassion but you keep that door closed.

Honestly - this sounds likely to be mentally and emotionally exhausting. I doubt I'd have the energy for it, unless this was a family member in which case I might be more inclined to make the effort given the wider context.

In your shoes - I would acknowledge her apology and stress you appreciate that she made the effort to redress the incident and are glad she is in a good place.

I think I'd add something like, while you don't think it is realistic to pick up where you left off, due to the passage of time, changing circumstances etc: "If our paths cross in the future in some other context, I'd be happy to reconnect. I think of those university years fondly." Or some such.

Thirty years is a loooong time. You guys aren't the same people you were then, you knew each other for a relatively short time in the wider scheme of things, but in her head she may still see you as if time has stood still. She could feel like getting back in touch is expected somehow if she's made the effort to contact you at all.

Have you missed her, Op?

It could be quite weird she took this step to contact you. Or she could be in recovery. I'm taking the view it's the latter, therefore I'd go gently. Don't allow them to release your details to her.

I would possibly thank her for the apology via the company but no I wouldn't let her back in my life. You had two dodgy encounters with her, one, whether you believe she would hurt you or not could have killed you. She was drunk and not in control. I would hope that it was part of a 12 step process and maybe wish her well with that should it be the case. Let someone in your life who could have ended it? Nooooooooo.

It was a very long time ago. I was going through my own stuff at the time and don't think anything excuses her behaviour.
However she sincerely apologised, you could tell it was from the heart from the way it was written. I'm torn.

I'd give her a chance. She'll be a completely different person now but you'll have a lot of good shared memories.

30 years is a long time. I met up with some old school friends after 20 years and we were all very close at school but whilst we all got on there was no real bond and I dont think anyone has kept in touch since. This meeting was 15 years ago!

After all this time I doubt you have much in common

Personally I wouldn't. Life has moved on, her being part of your life in the past is just that, part of your past.