This past year has been an absolute shit show in my relationship. My partner and I were together for 2 years (living together) then broke up for about 1 month, I moved out and then we got back together trying to build a stronger relationship after all of the hurt we have put each other through. I really love love man even after everything, but I don't know how mich longer I can keep it up or if it's even the right decision for myself.
The backstory:
My partner and I met on hinge. We lived quite far from each other (him in the city and me on an island that was a 1 hour drive + 2 hour ferry ride + another 1 hour bus).
We talked though the app for about a month before we finally met up in person for a weekend trip to a new place together. At first he wasn't my type, but he seemed more caring then anyone I had ever been with so I started to fall for him. I went over to his place every weekend for 6 months before we decided it was too much traveling and that I should move to the city. I tried looking for a place to stay with my dog, but it was not happening so he said it was OK for me to move in with him, which I did.
I have many trust issues from past relationships and told him that in the beginning, begging him to never hurt me because I wouldn't be able to take it.
Once we moved in together, I started becoming very insecure. He would hide his phone from me and take it everywhere with him, and stated that it is not normal for people in relationships to see each other's phone no matter what. This caused me to be triggered. Which in turn caused him to get triggered.
When he is triggered he stonewalls, and when I'm triggered I get loud, slam doors and say hurtful things and cry non stop to the point where it becomes a panic attack.
We could not communicate with each other. If I told him something was worrying me or hurting me he would take it as blame or accusations and get angry at me.
This cycle went on and kept getting worse which built deep hurt and resentment for the both of us.
1.5 years into the relationship I found out he paid some twitch streamer to talk with him, and I saw the flirty texts with heart emojis and also that he lied to me about going to see his dad so that he could have hour long calls with her.
I found this out when I went behind his back to go on his discord when he was out with his friends one night. After this he gave me access to his phone, and social accounts and locations. We also started couples therapy.
Things started to get better very slowly. Small improvements were being made with our communication.
Apparently not enough though becacse about 6 months later I found out that he was now downloading dating apps behind my back to "see what else was out there" and even went on a date with someone in person. When I found out, i broke down, and instead of trying to take care of me or make up for anything he said we should break up.
This was Christmas time, I was in the middle of switching careers and had no money so I begged him that I didn't want to break up (because there was literally no where I could go).
In reality I was broken and lost all hope, and started to plan my way out.
I got a job shortly after, started saving up money and looking for places without telling him that was my intention.
I started to become the one stonewalling because I already had one foot out the door. He continued to download dating apps when ever we would fight instead of doing the work to try to heal the relationship.
One day about 2 months after I found out about the girl he went on the date with from the dating app, I decided to download hinge. I started talking to one guy who I felt was all I had been missing in my current relationship.
We went on a date and I finally felt heard and seen.
I know what I did was wrong but I was needing to feel okay, and since my bf kept saying we should break up and kept looking for whatever else was out there, I didn't feel as bad as I should have about what I was doing.
We went on dates once a week for about 2 months until one night it went too far and we had sex.
I instantly felt horrible and called it off with him the next morning.
I cried all night and the next day because I knew if my bf found out, it would hurt him deeply.
I started to put more effort into our relationship again, trying to plan cute things to do, but at that point I guess it was too late. My bf held so much resentment about our communication issues that no matter what I did he didn't seem to change.
One day we went for a walk and I said something a out babies that he took the wrong way, we started fighting in public and when we got back home he told me I had 1 month to find a new place to live.
Aw few days later the hinge guy texted me, telling me he missed me so we met up to talk.
We planned to have a sleepover, and i lied to my bf about going camping to go stay with this guy. That night my bf went on my old phone and found everything out about what I had been doing.
He called me and said "please come home, I love you and I'm worried" and when I got home he had all of my stuff in garbage bags. He said I had 2 hours to get all my stuff out or he would call the police.
Luckily I was already looking for a new place to move so I secured a place that same day.
After that he texted me a few day later and begged me not to give up on us and that he realized how much he neglected me in our relationship. I was already gone though and honestly kinda hated him for how he had been treating me.
When he found out about me cheating, I did deny it/ lied about names etc because he had all my stuff packed already so why should I even bother. Also it was never my intention to hurt him that way, I just needed to feel better.
About a month after he found out, we started talking and decided to try again because we both missed each other.
We set boundaries, went to therapy, and started doing solo relationship healing work.
The now:
At first it seemed promising, I thought he understood, but that's where I was wrong.
He went on a trip to England right after we got back together, and during that time I found out he was going on dates there.
I forgave him because I felt so bad about my cheating.
Then about 3 months into it,again I found out he had been on social media firting with many girls.
I forgave again because of all the guilt i still have about cheating .
Now it's been 4 months, he still doesn't want to tell his friends about us so is going out with them (all single guys) to bars etc. He keeps lying to me. And he does not do the things that I have asked for in order to help me feel more secure and build trust.
I have been putting in so much work to try to heal the hurt I caused him, obviously i know im not perfect, and still am working on my communication, but i am not putting myself in any situations that could hurt him or break his trust again, but he is not doing the same in my opinion. I don't feel safe or any trust being built. I can't tell him any of the hurt or worry I have without him freaking out and bring up the fact that I cheated on him. When I am with him I feel good, but the second I leave to go home for the night I feel I really can't trust him.
I don't know if I can take it anymore.
Give me your thoughts....
Obviously this is very short story and there is much more to it, but I would have to write a novel. I haven't been the best partner and not all of the blame of our issues are on him. But what would you do right now. I want to have a kid in a few years... is this the right man