Endurance

[RajGamgee]

As many people have already posted about, I'm also here talking about sexless marriage. I met my DW when I was 23 and she was the first woman I kissed let alone had sex with. Anyway, I always thought it was normal to only have sex a couple of times a month because that's what she told me. Fast forward 10 years and we now have two kids (IVF) and no sex at all for the last 6. I've been to therapy and have made my peace with it. I love my kids more than my own happiness and having my dad walk out on me when I was 9, have made the decision that I simply cannot leave them.

There is no love in our marriage anymore and my DW has failed to see the correlation between the weaponisaton of sex and the breakdown of our marriage. And yes I have tried to talk about it to her dozens and dozens of times over the years but have simply just shut down. It's not like I was massively desirable in the first place so I figure this was just meant to be for me.

I'm a few years in and have decided I'm going to stay until my youngest is at least 18. So that's another 12 years to go. I just wanted to hear from others who have made it through to the other side. Could you offer me any advice or support on how to cope? I do have times when I feel really down and need just that bit of reassurance that I can get there. I love my kids so much and they bring me much happiness that I have to believe it will be worth it.

in all honesty this is heartbreaking, and im a stranger. There is no way your kids would want this for their parents. Do not wait, firstly it never works. You’ll never be able to hide it and your kids will know and have to endure living through a loveless relationship. Secondly you dont want your kids thinking thats normal. Really think about it, if your daughter said she was unhappy and staying in a relationship, would you not encourage her to find the right person and happy relationship?
12 years is a hell of a long time to waste, and it is a waste. Your relationship doesnt have to change with your daughter, it doesnt have to be a bitter split.
lets say you do manage to hide it well and not impact the kids and waiting until theyre older would be horrible. Not only would it have them questioning how many years they thought they were happy families and it was a lie, potentially tarnishing memories. But it also screws with their sense of security having a rug pulled under them.

i understand your desire to stay, but go and be happy. Give you both the opportunity to find whats right for you and show your kids a happy healthy relationship.

I'm ahead of you in the journey (my kids are 18, 16 and 12), I am also staying as i prioritise my children's happiness ahead of my own. It has been 9 years of no sex for me. It has destroyed my self-esteem and combined with my husband's affair when i was pregnant has left me feeling unlovable and undesirable. It's crept up on me over the years, and i honestly don't think i can last another 6 years until my youngest is 18. But finding the right time to go that doesn't clash with A' levels, GCSE-years etc is difficult and i can't bear the thought of spoiling their lives to make mine better. So no comfort for you - but some solidarity anyway. Good luck.

Thanks Whatsgoingon102 I think my own father leaving had such a devastating impact on my life that I somehow can't bring myself to relive it. I know logically you are right but I just don't think I could live in a world where the best case scenario is seeing my kids 50% of the time. I once read a quote that said its not the quality time, it's the quantity time. It's being there for those small and often benign moments that kids really remember. Quality time, the quote says, is some nonsense that was made up by people who were too busy. Anyway, keeps me going 😊

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I admire your strength and fortitude mustardseedandmoonshire. You have held on this long, you can do it, you can make it until the time is right.

It's really unfair to refuse to speak to you about this She can't just pretend everything is fine & neither should you be denied the right to tell her how you feel.

Has she ever given you a reason?

Sadly due to health issues there's not a huge amount of sex in my relationship, so I'm not someone who says relationships ant survive without sex. BUT there does need to be respect, communication & connection to work.

Usually it ends in an argument and the reasons tend to vary. I just figure she doesn't find me attractive. I was one of those sensible marriage choices rather than an exciting one.