Finally realised my lovely DP has insecure attachment

[BG2015]

We have been together for 10 years. We're both in our mid 50's so our kids are adults.

We have a great, fun life. We love the same things and have carved a good life out together. I love him. He's clever, funny and good fun.

His childhood and early adulthood was hard. His parents basically let him do what he wanted, I don't think there was a lot of guidance. His mum died of cancer when he was 18 and he had a sporadic relationship with his dad. His parents never pushed him academically (even though he is a brilliant mathematician) and he never really carved a career out for himself but got by. He was on his own from age 18 with some support from his half sister, who already had her own family.

His previous romantic relationships all ended in infidelity by his partners.

Over our time together he's shown insecurities in our relationship. He can be quite paranoid but I've been understanding and we've worked our way through things.

Something happened yesterday that really upset me, he realised he was way off the mark and apologised. But I've realised he has attachment issues.

We've talked about it today and he's really come to understand why he is how he is. I love this man but his childhood has definitely screwed him up.

Yes. A lot of screwed up adults are screwed up because of their childhood.

Is this news to you?

As someone who was brought up in a loving home, with supportive kind parents it's hard to be reminded that this isn't always the case.

I'm just sad that many people are fu**ed up by their parents/upbringing which then has a knock on effect for their ongoing relationships.

Oh shush you with your nasty, dismissive remark. Sort your own issues first before leaving this type of comment.

Sounds like he's overcome it at least in part though, by being able to have a loving enduring relationship? Would he or both of you be open to some therapy?

A lot of people throw around the “attachment issues” label these days. You need an actual Psychologist to diagnose that. It means more than having crap parents. I’m not sure it’s helpful to label it anyway. He needs to know how to work with his issues & move forward. Has he had therapy?

No he's not had therapy.

It explains lot - official diagnosis or not.

You don't need to be diagnosed by a psychologist to identify your attachment style. We all have one. Attachment disorder is a completely different thing. You suggest that he needs to know how to work with his issues - learning about your attachment style can be the first step towards doing that. I'm not sure why you dismiss the idea of attachment issues out of hand but then acknowledge that he has 'issues' - what issues are they then?

What did he do to upset you deeply?

Whatever you do, don't excuse his bad behaviour towards you will you?

Women inherently want to believe they're not shacked up with an abusive tosser so they'll do some mental gymnastics to excuse it, to give it a 'name' or assign it a condition

He may well have had a tough upbringing but this does not mean he gets to behave in ways which upset you

So tread carefully. Him being 'paranoid' over the years sound very hard work to me and I'd put good money on it that he's probably not treating you well

Doesn't really matter what happened, it's a culmination of small things that have occurred over the past 10 years that have shown his insecurities.

He treats me fine.

I've been in a toxic relationship previously and this is very different. I'm not doing that again.

I call him out on stuff all the time and he knows I'm no pushover. I'm not compromising my own well being because of his insecurities but I'm not a total bitch to throw away ten years of mostly happy times.

Believe me, I'm not perfect either.

Well, that's good to hear. You sound like you have your head screwed on

I am always wary when people-usually women-find ways to explain other people's -usually men's- crap behaviour to them in psychoanalytic terms.

Did he accuse you of having an affair after years of suspicion, accusations, 'who are you wearing makeup for?' and suchlike? And now he apparently, after something major, can't help it because his Mum's dead - and all of my exes cheated on me, so you will as well?

Don't be manipulated into medicalising coercive control.

No nothing like that.

Pot and kettle spring to mind here. I notice you have nothing constructive to offer to the OP. You only typed to criticise my response.

I'm glad the OP took my response in the way it was written.

Yours however has nothing of value to it, bar trying to attack me.

Be on your way.

I shan't be replying to you should you choose to try to attack me again, as I don't want the OPs thread to be derailed by your pettiness.