My parents, like a lot of parents in the 70s I imagine, didn’t put much thought into how having kids would affect their lives. My mother was a SAHP and hated having us around, every day was full of fear and she physically, verbally and emotionally abused us. Sometimes my father did too, one of my brothers was regularly beaten with a belt for being slow doing a particular task he was terrified of, up until he was 11. I was the oldest and tried to protect my 3 siblings, though a lot of the time it was not possible. I remember vividly how helpless I felt and I still dream about it sometimes.
I’m 53 now, and fully estranged from my mother since 2021 - it is a relief. I am in contact with my father, though not regular or frequent. When I was a child, I saw him almost as one of us children - my mother bullied him, and he seemed as powerless as we were. Of course I know now that he was an adult and should have protected us.
I am very close to one of my siblings, who’s is estranged from everyone in the family apart from me, and I get on okay with the other two. I think if we needed each other we would be there. I’m divorced, financially secure, do meaningful work, and have a circle of wonderful friends. I decided when I was a teenager not to have children - I didn’t want to risk turning out like my mother.
The reason I’m posting now is that I’m considering stopping contact with my father. I have only seen him about once or twice a year in the last 3-4 years, with the last time being over a year ago. When I do see him, I have very mixed feelings. He asks me things like why i don’t speak to my mother (they have been separated for 20 years but are in regular contact), and why I don’t come to see my family more often. It feels like criticism, and I don’t think I should have to justify my choices to him. He is in his 70s, fit and active, but would never dream of taking the train to the city to see me (2.5 hours). On the flip side, there’s guilt - his life is small now, and I do feel like he looks forward to my (infrequent) calls and visits.
This is a long post - thank you to anyone who has read this far. I would welcome any advice/input that might help me to decide what to do.