Is there a way to come back from this?

[WildNavyDog]

Things haven't been good for a very long time with my husband. Over the years he's become more and more withdrawn, pays no attention to me and generally just makes me feel lonely. I haven't asked him to leave because it would make my life harder as it would crush my kids. I just know that without me, he wouldn't be motivated to remain in their lives. Not because he doesn't care but because he would become even more withdrawn. He's been taking anti depressants for years, I know its all linked to his mental health but he never does anything to help himself and I'm exhausted trying to make him.
A few months ago, I discovered he'd been gambling and got us into debt. For the last year money has been a struggle and this of course was the reason. He blamed it on cost of living etc and I just believed him. He said as the gambling got worse, his mental health got worse, that's the reason he's been so withdrawn etc but now it's out in the open he sees this as his second chance and he won't waste it.
He has been acting like nothing has happened. I've been working hard not to be angry with him but it's so difficult. I spoke with him about how I'm struggling with what he did. He then hit me with something so out of the blue I actually don't feel like it's really happening. He's blaming it all on me. He said that he knows I'm in love with his brother, that let to his mental health decline and the gambling. He says he knows I've been in love with his brother for 6 years. The whole thought of that is so ridiculous. We are not close, I only see him at family gatherings and any conversations we have are just pleasantries. I don't have his number.
My husband says he believes me and keeps saying 'all this has been for nothing' as in the mess he's created has been based on this ridiculous belief.
I have technically been punished for years over something I didn't even know he was thinking about! I know there must be something really wrong with his mental health but I'm just so exhausted, let down and so so sad. I've always been there for him, always been loyal, I've made a good life for us with minimal input from him.
Is it over? Do I stick by him and let him work through it? Or am I going to make myself ill in the process? I just don't know what to do

So he’s blaming you! Honestly, free yourself and ask him to leave.

I really want to. Part of me really wants him to go back to the person he was when we married and I want to stick by him in the hope he can become that person again. Am I stupid and naive to think that could happen? He has siblings that know what's going on and they're full of support for him. It makes me feel like a horrible person because I just don't have the energy for patience and sympathy

Sorry that you're in such a horrible situation OP.

Your DH is apparently oblivious to any reality outside his own head.

You'd think developing an obsession about you and his brother might be something he might have thought to discuss with you, instead of gambling away the money his family needs by way of... what - distraction? Not sure I follow his logic there.

He does nothing to help himself, but seems quite ready to do things that are rather destructive and pointless.

How old are you? Is this what you want for the next 50-odd years? Marriage is supposed to make you feel loved and supported, not lonely and anxious.

Sod what his family thinks; they probably don't know the full picture. They certainly don't know what it feels like to be you, stuck with this nonsense. What happens next time he gets some crazy notion into his head?

The kids might not be as broken as you think, if you were to separate. At the moment they have one sick parent and the other one suffering because of it. At least one of you might as well be happy, and give the children a glimpse of what that might look like!

I really feel for u OP. Your husband is obviously ill. I think in this situation the sympathy is with the person who is ill, which I understand however those around suffer too. My partner suffered from depression and I know how difficult it was. It nearly broke me. Please prioritise yourself and your children. Your husband must try to help himself.

Seems like if there is a gambling issue then divorce is the best option so he doesn't financially ruin you, too.

The brother thing is weird. Do you have a sister he is fond of, by chance? Projections are often confessions.

Thank you for the replies. When I read them it doesn't even sound like it's me and my family! I have worked really hard to carve out a good life for us and it's all been taken away from me. In my heart of hearts I don't think I'm ready to give up on it, on us...but I can't go on like this

The brother thing is so unhinged is he getting psychosis hallucinations or paranoia or something?

You need to take your blinders off and get rid of him immediately.

Do I stick by him and let him work through it?

Absolutely fucking not. He is playing manipulative mind games in order to deflect from what he's done, and I would not be surprised at all if he's involved with another woman. The projection is textbook. This man, his gambling and his abuse will destroy your life. The marriage is over and he needs to get out. Please don't delude yourself into believing he can be fixed.

He hasn't gambled since I found out. I've taken control of all the finances. He has no access to any money.
I don't have a sister. The brother thing is very very strange, I don't know where it has come from at all. If you knew us, you'd be really baffled, it makes no sense

It's really difficult having a thread about your own life because people seize on the bits that jump out at them, and can absolutely get the wrong end of the stick.

You sound worn out. Beware of the sunk costs fallacy!

Are you worried that if you leave him he will kill himself or that he would harm or hurt the children if he was to have them over without you?
Because you said that he might not engage with parenting which would hurt the children's feelings but is growing up around him in the same home as him all day everyday actually less damaging to them?
I would also worry about him causing debt that affects your home or credit. Has he taken some serious steps like banning himself from all gambling places, getting professional gambling support? Maybe the medication needs reviewing.

I'm worried he would kill himself. My dad died when I was a teenager due to alcohol abuse. As much as he made my life a misery, his death has effected me more. I put everything into trying to make life better for me and my children. One of the reasons i chose my husband because I knew he would never let me down. I was wrong.

When we married i was 100% sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I had zero doubts. So what went wrong?? Was I wrong all along or did something happen him?

He has a severe mental health problem. He either gets help now or you need to really consider whether you are going to live your life likes this. Unless he is lying about the brother thing, he sounds paranoid. The fact you think he is a danger to himself should you attempt to end things is indicative of how bad things are. It's not your job to sort him out - you can't. He either gets help or you leave.

He needs to get proper help. If he can't or won't, you should give serious thought to leaving. It sounds like his family is supportive of him, so you wouldn't be abandoning him. You need to think of your children and yourself in this. He has to want to get better and if he doesn't, what does that tell you about how he values your family unit?

He really does want to get better. He has been having counselling for gambling. The strange thing is though, he only talks to the counsellor about how well he's doing, he's committed to never gambling again etc, he says the counselling is going well and it's more like a catch up or chat. I asked if he'd said anything about his worries, his brother etc and he said no because it that's not what he's for?? He seems to think it only counselling to help him never gamble again!! This is what I mean about not helping himself. It's like I need to spell out to him what to do all the time. If I give him a set of instructions he'll do it, but he cant/won't think for himself

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.
One thing I heard is that we choose a partner that reminds us of our parents to rehash this dynamic again and in a way relive and rewrite the story with what happened between us through this partner, but when we have children with them, most of us love our children more than ourselves we then wake up to the toxic dynamics because we see our children as us and our childhood, and we wake up and see what's going on and how things might affect them so there would have been red flags and signs but they were overlooked or not consciously realised the important thing is how to move forward in a healthy way. Your husband is not your dad, and your children are not you. Their experience and feelings towards their dad and if he ends up harming himself might not be like yours.

Is there like a support group for partners of gamblers or those supporting a husband with mental illness in person or online (facebook etc)? It might help.
Because you know how you felt angry and he seemed to act like nothing happened this is very much part of when the addict wants to move on and seems on the surface like they aren't remorseful, and you have feelings that you want acknowledged... I think a group who knows more about this could help in understanding where you both come from and even if you don't stay together, it's good to get along to coparent.
Ultimately if someone wants to suicide they can do this at any time people have done it when they are in prison or an asylum where there is a will there is a way and you mustn't put that burden on you all you can do is report him to police or adult social services if he seems like he is going to harm himself.

Everybody is different but I find clarity in making lists of pros and cons, going for a long walk alone in nature, researching any cons or fears that I have about either decision and then make an informed decision. Some people like to talk to others.I just think try not to project your childhood on your children because it doesn't have to end up that way and they may see things differently than you.

Thank you everyone, your replies are all very helpful.
I'm not worried about him right now. As soon as I say I'm not asking him to leave, he can switch from the depths of despair to Mr positive and does/says all the right things. He's sat playing a game with one of the kids and laughing away!! I don't think he pretending or purposefully manipulating me, but it's very strange