Affair??

[Tonka86]

Hi.
2 years ago I accused my husband of an affair with our worker after finding adult searches that related directly to her country of origin. She’s form overseas. I had noticed them getting close at work and he only ever had great things to say about her and commented on how beautiful she looked dressed up for a friends party.
I made snarky comments about her for a year after this. Not all the time but at times when I felt insecure.
I kept noticing they were getting really close and even when she returned home for a holiday they were messageing and he tol her she makes him happy and he does better with her around. She’s told him secrets about her self he couldn’t even tell me. She was sending sexual jokes to him. And they now spend a huge amount of time outside of work together.
even some friends and others noticed without me saying anything that they were getting too close. And friends has some talks to him about boundaries.

But my husband told me 8 month ago he doesn’t love me anymore and left.
he now hangs out with the worker all the time. He says they’re just friends.

we are done. I doubt he’ll ever come back but I’m struggling so much with blaming myself.
friends tell me if him and he should
of not allowed himself to get close to her.
but he says I just had a bee in my bonnet about her.
he’s had childhood trauma and seems to need female validation.

Childhood trauma doesn't justify an affair, and "needing female validation" is utter bullshit. Stop listening to his ridiculous justifications for his own immoral, immature, hurtful behavior.

What he needed was to control himself and respect his wife and his marriage. HE is the failure who couldn't manage that, not you.You have no reason in the world to blame yourself. He's the selfish bastard and you're his victim. Don't let him gaslight you. I was cheated on, so I know exactly how you feel and how much it hurts. But you need to start moving on, and the first step is to realize that liars lie, and they don't stop lying. You just need to stop believing him.

He's not coming back, and believe me, you don't want him to. Once a cheater, always a cheater; they don't change. He WILL cheat on her, too, and every woman who comes after her.

Hang in there. Make sure you get every penny you can in the divorce. It's hard, but worth it. Life is much better on the other side. I'm been remarried to a wonderful man for decades and life has never been better.

Thanks.
I just blame myself cause he keeps saying that if I didn’t accuse him of an affair it would be ok. And that just cause he was looking up French adult content doesn’t mean it has anything to do with her.

he keeps saying that if I didn’t accuse him of an affair it would be ok.

It’s part of the script…

—-

The "script" for men who have affairs, when addressing their wives, refers to common narratives or excuses they use to explain or justify their infidelity. This script typically follows certain patterns, shaped by psychology, guilt, or societal expectations. Here are some of the common themes or elements men may use:

1. Denial

• Initial response: "Nothing is going on," or "It's just a misunderstanding."
• When confronted, many men might deny the affair altogether, hoping the lack of evidence will keep them safe from further scrutiny.

2. Minimization

• Downplaying the affair: "It didn't mean anything," or "It was just a mistake."
• They may admit to some wrongdoing but downplay the emotional or physical depth of the affair. They might claim it was a brief encounter or that it wasn’t serious.

3. Blame Shifting

• Placing fault elsewhere: "You weren't giving me attention," or "I felt neglected."
• In this phase, the man may try to justify his behaviour by shifting some blame onto the wife, implying that her actions or lack thereof pushed him into the affair.

4. Emotional Appeal

• Seeking sympathy: "I'm going through a tough time," or "I felt lost and confused."
• They may express their emotional vulnerability or personal struggles as the reason for their infidelity, hoping the wife will empathize with their emotional state.

5. Promises of Change

• Vowing reform: "It'll never happen again," or "I'll do anything to fix this."
• Once caught, many men will promise to end the affair and work on the marriage. This might involve suggesting therapy, making assurances, or offering to take drastic actions to prove their commitment.

6. "The Other Woman" Strategy

• Vilifying the affair partner: "She seduced me," or "She pursued me and wouldn't leave me alone."
• Some men may place the blame on the woman they had the affair with, framing her as a manipulator who tricked or pressured them into the affair.

7. Confession as a Preemptive Move

• Telling before being caught: "I have something to tell you," or "I made a terrible mistake."
• Sometimes, men will preemptively confess in hopes of gaining sympathy or softening the blow by framing the confession as a sign of remorse.

8. Gaslighting

• Twisting reality: "You're overreacting," or "You're imagining things."
• In extreme cases, a man may attempt to manipulate his wife’s perception of reality, making her doubt her suspicions or feelings. This psychological manipulation is intended to make her question the validity of her concerns.

9. Appeal to Family or History

• Highlighting the past: "Think of everything we've been through," or "I don't want to lose our family."
• They may bring up the longevity of the relationship or family considerations, appealing to the wife's emotions by focusing on shared experiences or children as a way to encourage forgiveness.

10. Victimhood

• Positioning themselves as the victim: "I’m not happy," or "I feel like you don't care anymore."
• In this narrative, the man portrays himself as a victim of circumstances, such as feeling emotionally abandoned or unloved in the marriage, thereby trying to justify the affair.

Thank you. He has told
me
so many times just cause he searched for adult content relating to her doesn’t mean it had anything to do with her.

Trust yourself. He’s lying to you.

It's bullshit. It was an affair and he left to be with her, not because you accused him of an affair.
Just remember that if his lips are moving, he's lying.