How do we move on?

[CornishMaid2024]

I (35) have been with my partner (39) for nearly 10 years, we have 2 children together and like any relationship we have our ups and downs.
Recently we had a very difficult conversation where he offloaded/expressed frustration in our relationship (He is 40 next year and said he feels like he’s having a midlife crisis) but couldn’t come up with a way to move forward. I said I felt like we needed mediation such as relationship Counselling but he dismissed that idea.
Since the conversation happened I’ve be feeling very lost and unsafe in the relationship, to the point where I’ve had panic attacks (which I’ve not experienced throughout our relationship).
I think the conversation brought up a lot of deep feelings around lack of trust (me not trusting him to look after me/lack of stability as we’re not married and he can ask me to leave his house). I definitely need some reassurance that he still loves me and won’t leave but he isn’t able to meet my needs or recognise his own needs.
I don’t know how to move forward.
Currently reading relationship books like Gottman to try and get some insight on how to help our relationship!

Hi OP. What were the frustrations he expressed? Has there been any further conversations since the initial one?

I think it is a difficult situation, and it’s good that you appreciate not being married does leave you in a vulnerable position.

I think counselling would be a good idea, if not together then separately. It may help you both realise what you need, what works or doesn’t work, and you are then able to have your own conversation more clearly.

I suppose the problem with your needs though is that really how much can words reassure you? He could say he loves you, won’t leave etc, but as we all know words can be empty can he could still tell you to pack your bags tomorrow. The only thing that could really truly reassure you would be marriage, and if he doesn’t want that then no amount of pretty words and declarations of love are going to be good enough.

I also really wouldn’t spend too much time reading relationship books because the reality is you cannot fix a relationship on your own- it takes a lot of time, trust, effort and patience from both parties and it doesn’t currently sound like he is interested in doing his part.

Is this the beginning of The Script??

On another note I’ve just read Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away, which I would recommend

His frustration is:

1. His sex drive is currently higher than mine. (I’ve had tests for potential perimenopause and just had Mirena coil fitted to help with awful menstrual problems. We’ve also had a lengthy conversation about exhaustion and how me working 2 jobs while doing school run for our 5 & 6 year old is contributing to my low sex drive).
2. I’m not following up with what I say (he was, and still is, unable to give me an example so I feel he’s using this as a response when I expressed my needs not being met).

I'd guess 2 usually means "i somehow thought you were saying sex/sex acts were on the cards later because you bent over whilst loading the dishwasher whilst i was in the room /you looked at me over your shoulder whilst on the phone/insert any fucking non sexually loaded act he's seen and twisted in his mind as as sexual promises or you being suggestive..... and when we went to bed you didn't give me the sex I've convinced myself you promised"

He can't give you examples because he actually knows how fucking ridiculous and entitled it will sound when it comes out his his mouth

I agree with this big time!

I'm guessing you do the lions share of the housework, life admin, childcare, running errands etc? And by the end of the day you are simply too exhausted to do anything else but sleep?

What was the outcome of the conversation about your low sex drive?

Sorry I’m not sure what that means?

Thank you for the recommendation :-)

Yes, I agree too, he is constantly horny and does compliment me a lot but as we’re not emotionally ok, I can’t be physical with him.

I work 2 jobs, I pick the children up from school and take them to clubs. He does help with the housework and dinner, but he totally should be as he only works 26 weeks of the year and earns 3x as much as me.

OP "The Script" is the classic bullshit men come out with when they're having an affair. The words can vary depending on the personality of the man involved but it generally follows the same pattern. Such as, he's not getting enough sex, he's confused about his future with you, he's experiencing mental health problems, he's having a mid-life crisis etc etc. Often these declarations come completely out of the blue and are interspersed with uncharactertistic and unwarranted criticism of you. He will suddenly criticise your humour, or your cooking, your dress sense or your parenting. When questioned, the man rarely has any answers and is generally vague but aggressive or passive aggressive.

Ah I see.
I genuinely think the frustration for him is just lack of intimacy; and him having a‘midlife crisis’ is possibly due to his Dad being terminally ill.
He is home all the time when not working so I know he isn’t being unfaithful. Every weekend we spend as a family together.
He doesn’t criticise me, he is just voicing his frustration at the lack of sex but I can’t resolve that unless my needs are also met - safety and security.

If you are not married, and it’s his house, you are vulnerable as you know and I totally understand how this is leading to feelings of insecurity. You need to talk seriously about the future and how both of you get your needs met. I’d keep mentioning the counselling or mediation idea. A third party may well be really helpful, but if that’s a compete no-go, he needs to engage with you as a couple to thrash out a plan. If his feelings are a dealbreaker for him, you need to know this..

Also, men really don’t have any idea how difficult it can be for women with finding a contraception that is suitable, life after giving birth/being a mother, hormone imbalance, perimenopause/menopause and all the changes we go through…. It would be nice if they kept this in mind when our mood changes 😅

I'm with you there, if things are a bit off with us then sex is off the cards for me. Shame it's not the same for them! What do you need from him to feel more secure?

We went out today to get a few bits for the house and lunch….he did something in the car that I perceived as dangerous (put a large box behind passengers seat, with our daughters in the back - she couldn’t put her legs down and was complaining about being squashed. I had to move my seat as forward as possible (front passenger). When I tried to share my worries about it being dangerous he shut me down “no it’s fine” and continued.
Our 5 & 6 year old were sat in the back and she said she was squashed but he didn’t listen.
I didn’t want to argue in front of the children.
when we got home DD said “why is Daddy mean?”
I made a point of saying “this is why so don’t want to be intimate, because you don’t listen to me and invalidate me”.
His response…. “I’m sorry you felt like that” 🙄

I need him to show me that he actually cares about me, listens to me and wants me to feel secure in our relationship.
Posted an update from today and this is a prime example!