I think "he's just not that into me" 😭

[Sunsparkles]

Been with my BF for 2yrs...we are mid 40s (me) mid 50s (him). It's been tough, we met through OLD, he has a kid 18+ I have 2 under 10rs. It's been tough, but we've talked all the way and have an agreement about where we are and how things are.

I've not seen him for a week, and prior to that for 4 weeks I've seen him one or 2 nights a week. This is our standard given circumstances. We're supposed to be going in holiday next week (UK based for a week).

In the last week he mentioned that he'd had a can of beer because he thought it would help his ears feel better - he's been having issues with (likely) ear wax. Not sure how the beer, I'm not sure how that was supposed to help but whatever. No issue with him having a beer or 3 at home, or indeed going out for many...

Tonight the beer was mentioned, he said he'd had 3, I said oh ok, you told me you'd had one ....anyway, this somehow turned into a (not even ) argument where he told me I'd be sorry like always in the morning, and that I always do this and that he doesn't want to hear apologies on the morning...then about 30 mins later her went off to bed and that's it.

I'm a bit confused tbh. He's told me to sleep in the spare room.

I know, categorically that he said 1 beer to me. I am also aware that my ex used to gas light me regularly so I'm very sensitive to this.

I feel quite calm, just confused (I'm having counselling...this is new to me!!) but I just don't know what to make of it all....

Help please, what would you be thinking??

We don't live together. And a few beers, or even a pissed up might put is'nt the issue. The point is, he said one thing, he changed what he said at later date and I am apparently the one in the wrong and sleeping in the spare room...to be clear, there wasn't even an argument, just a disagreement

If it was just that he's not that into you, he wouldn't be creating drama like this.
He's treating you badly and deliberately making you as uncomfortable as possible. You can see it, thank heavens.
I hope to hear from you later on this thread telling us you're back at home and staying well away from him, possibly for ever.

Keep the therapist - ditch the boyfriend. He IS an arse. And I'd be interested to know what your therapist will make of his behaviour this time...

Honestly, if he's persuaded you that this relationship is 'better' than the ones you've had before, then please don't let him fool you into thinking that this is a good one.

Perhaps you need to be single for a while, work with that therapist, do the Freedom Programme, and then think about finding someone else.

This tells you more than an argument about how many beers he's had. It's not because your job is more flexible...

You are the one doing all the running around and he has the convenience of staying at home and having sex on tap. If he wanted to make it work and to be fair about who bore the burden and cost of driving, he'd make the effort. He doesn't.

You don't want to move in with him for this reason. I guarantee you'd be a convenience rather than a partner then too, with all that entails.

Be glad you've figured it out now. Get up early and go. It's done.

The dating stage shouldn't need so much analysis
. Get up early - before him - and take anything you have of yours there and go home. Sent him a ltb text and block him. No more chances due imo.

He's "training" you to never question him. The subject matter is less important than that fact. Get out now.

Try and gather your things together, everything you need to take from his house, get some sleep in spare room. Leave first thing. End. Block.

It sounds like a mountain out of a molehill but I'm guessing it's not.

He told you he had one beer to help with earwax, weird but... okay. He then told you he had three beers, so his story has changed, again a little weird. However, you said he doesn't drink at home alone. So you're now thinking, those three things on their own wouldn't raise any red flags but put them all together and they're not adding up.

Do you think there was someone else there with him the night he had one/three beers OP? If not, why be so arsey with you tonight about it?

I'd sleep in the spare room and drive home first thing in the morning. Fuck all that nonsense. You'd be happier on your own without a man trying to fuck things up.

I'm still wondering what on earth beer and earwax are supposed to have to do with each other. 🤔
He sounds none too bright and like a manbaby, OP. The sulking and sending you off to the spare room is ridic.

I’d be thinking that this is too much like hard work.

I don't know how much of a balanced view we're getting here - tbh you questioning him about his drinking would irritate the fuck out of me (as a turn of phrase I'd say I've 'had a beer' when actually it could be more than one) and we don't know what his version would be.

Me too, having a beer doesn't necessarily mean just one beer. Does it matter ?

The first couple of years should be fun and you are really making an effort to impress.

I'm really not getting this vibe here.

Sounds like a bit of a ridiculous drunken argument 🙄 just go to sleep in the spare room and get up tomorrow and leave. Don't speak to him and don't apologise. Let him contact you and if he doesn't, you've got your answer - he's just not that into you!

I think deep down you know it's him not you being a twat

Get up early, drive home and don’t look back. He’s a dick. If you are already having therapy because of him then there is no future. You are worth more than this.

This. He's training you. If you stay, apologise, beg him to talk, he'll know the training is working. You'll be reluctant to question him or do anything else that annoys him.

If you end it, he'll probably be very sorry. But don't fall for it. If you take him back, he'll know that he can still train you. You'll be walking on eggshells to "make the relationship work."

So yeah. LTB and block.

OP you said “it’s been tough” twice in your opening paragraph. I think that tells you it’s probably not a great relationship. All relationships have issues from time to time, but yours doesn’t sound overwhelmingly positive. So yes I would agree he may not be the right one for you. And the gaslighting is unlikely to stop.

How are you today op

Two years in it shouldn't be this "tough".
A sulking partner is never attractive & sulking is what he was doing.
If I was you I would have the massive ick right now at being "punished" & told to sleep in the spare room.
I am wondering how bad your previous relationships were for you to feel that this is a good one?
In a good one you would have both talked this issue through, not one of you flounce off in a sulk while punishing the other.

I hope your children aren't too involved with him because this sounds like it should end.

He put the covers over is head???? That would have given me the instant, irreversible ick

In the end I went to bed, walked in and said this is silly, I'm not sleeping in the spare room and got into bed. We had a cuddle and went to sleep. Neither of us has mentioned it today. Just got on with our day as if nothing happened.

I want to speak about it but I'm avoiding an argument. Should I just leave it or should I say something? If I say something what do I say??

I don't think you did the right thing. Sorry OP.

You made a passing comment that questioned him, he punished you in a childish and mean spirited way.
When you got I to bed and had a cuddle, he will have had a smug grin on his face because he feels he won.

Now he thinks he can do what he wants and he can tell you what he wants and you'll think twice before questioning him again and if you do, he'll just send you to the spare room again.

Slippery slope.. you're at the top, looking down... By pretending it didn't happen, you've leant forward and started skiing. Good Luck from here.. you may find you'll need it, especially if you live together in the future.

As others said, this is training you to be a good girl, wait for the head pats and ignore anything that makes you question him.

I've told him I'm unhappy with what happened and we're going to talk about it later. I'm not going to just brush it under the carpet. And I'm not going to let it become a pattern.

Brill☺️ Ngl he might sulk because you’re establishing your boundaries and he’s not used to it but stand your ground

I want to speak about it but I'm avoiding an argument. Should I just leave it or should I say something? If I say something what do I say??

Ok, the message you are giving is that you will put up with a great deal and are ok to brush any differences of opinion under the carpet.

And yet, now you are walking on eggshells wondering how to facilitate an adult conversation. Thats not good, is it?

Glad to read that you have put down a boundary. Hope the conversation goes well. Just in case, I'd encourage you to keep screen shots of these messages for yourself, in case you ever find yourself questioning your self again.

Hope it all goes well.