Trying to decide if separation is the right thing….

[HereForAdvice94]

Coming here for advice and help understanding how I feel.

DH (34) and I (30), been together since I was 18, married since I was 25, are currently in a really bad place, I’m ready to separate and divorce. The way I see things is that there are two main problems in our relationship, and have been for a number of years. Also, for background, we had a brief separation in 2021 and we both work full time.

First problem is the lack of effort and general weight pulling from DH on a daily basis. I’m responsible for everything, cooking, cleaning, ‘life admin’, we have a dog who I walk 95% of the time. We’ve had sex around 5/6 times in the last 3 years, slept in separate beds for the last 2 (snoring and general distance between us) and there is zero day of day affection, I can’t even remember the last time we properly kissed or touched affectionately just because. This is has led to issues with self esteem and self confidence for me, which in return has affected our relationship. Originally sex stopped due to poor mental health on his part, medication got addressed during our previous time apart in 2021 but the no sex had become habit and I found myself not being sexually attracted to him anymore. I feel like I’m living with a roommate and not a husband.

Secondly, when we met and married we both wanted children. He still does but I’ve changed my mind and now am unsure/leaning towards not. It’s in no doubt linked to the above, but I am also worried about the impact on my mental health too. My change in feelings towards having a family is recent, I’d say over the last 12-18 months, I just can’t face becoming a parent and knowing I’d be doing the majority alone with someone who it barely feels like I have a relationship beyond friendship with.

We had a big talk a few days ago, DH agreed with the problems in our relationship and took responsibility for his part, but was blindsided by the children thing, which surprised me a little I suppose because of you agree the relationship is poor surely children isn’t the next natural step. He’s heartbroken, all he wants is to become a dad, but I can’t help how I feel.

I feel we’re both responsible for the issues we’re having, this isn’t a blame game between us because I’m just so emotionally past all that now, all I want is to feel happy again. I feel like we should separate, too much pain and hurt has gone through us and I feel the basis of our relationship is damaged beyond repair, he doesn’t agree and wants to try (yet) again to fix it.

Please, any advice would be so appreciated. I don’t want to feel like this when I’m only 30 but I have no idea what’s reasonable anymore and feel so lost. I love him still but more like a best friend than a husband.

I think to get your relationship back the way it was would take a huge amount of time, effort, talking, change, and genuine desire to get back there on both sides. Do you really want to do that?

And I suppose the other thing to consider is, do you trust that IF you both put that enormous effort in and did get to a better place things wouldn’t go back to this?

Can you genuinely say that if things changed you would want children again? Because for me that would be the big thing, having kids or not having kids is a huge thing, something nobody should compromise on because it is life changing either way. So if he wants them and you don’t then separating is the best thing so he can have that with someone else, if you do want them but just not with him then you should separate so that you can move on to find someone to do that with.

It really sounds over to me. You've tried, he hasn't.

Children will not be a sticking plaster for your relationship, and nor should they. He has 20 years to become a Dad, you have 10 left. He could meet someone and have kids within the year, in fact he needs to tie the next one down quickly, before they realise he's lazy, has low sex drive and is depressive.

Sadly I think he's missed his chance. I genuinely believe if you met someone who was 100% in it all with you in the next 10 years you'd go back to wanting kids. This is clearly a sensible protective mechanism as you can see you'd be doing it all alone, with him in the house.

You seem to want to separate. As painful as it is, you can do that for any reason or no reason at all. Your OP reads as if you’ve fallen out of love.

If he wants children and you potentially want children, but not with him, then you both need to be free to pursue that.

Do NOT have a child with this man. He is a lazy bastard as it is and that will not improve if you have DC. Plus, without being crude, you never have sex so how, exactly, does he think DC will arrive? Via stork?
You are 30 years old, easily, easily young enough to start again. Do that and be happy,

His laziness has put you off. It would me too.

I know what you’re all saying is right. I suppose it feels impossible to end a relationship when it’s all I’ve know and you still love them, just not in the right way. I know it isn’t though and that I need to put myself first.

Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it.

First problem is the lack of effort and general weight pulling from DH on a daily basis. I’m responsible for everything, cooking, cleaning, ‘life admin’, we have a dog who I walk 95% of the time.

So you have been together 12 years. He won't change after all this time and you are actually seeing the real him. Do you want another 12 years of this? Don't have children as you will be doing even more work with zero help from him but it will financially, physically and emotionally drain/trap you so you can't leave. DO NOT BECOME TRAPPED.

BTW, I met my very similar H at 18. At 55+ I am divorcing him, but he did break me (mini breakdown) a few years back. It's been a huge task in trying to leave due to financial abuse once I had his children.