Partners sister is rude and disrespectful

[ThisHappyDeer]

I have been with my partner for two years and we have a 4 months old son. We are getting married in 4 weeks time. I have a 8 year old daughter from previous relationship. I am 36 years old, have a higher education and have a responsible job in healthcare. I am not from this country and have no family here and not many friends.

I have tried for last year or so( since meeting partner's family) to be kind , polite and to fit in. I just feel like his sister and mum don't like me.
His sister is very controlling- watching me how I care for my newborn son etc. I get so anxious despite having raised a child on my own before etc. His mum and sister commented on how their children were never bottle fed etc- basically treating me like a 16 year old who just had an unplanned baby.
His sister always makes snide comments when there is just two of us and no one can hear. She once snarrled at me through gritted teeth to leave her family alone when I was looking at a photo album of his family. I constantly get dirty hateful looks, belittling and passive aggressive attitude. Comments on long car journeys with baby stuck in the car seat( we went to holiday to Wales but had plenty breaks etc), that my partner had to go with baby and my daughter shopping ( she does online shopping so she " doesn't have to drag kids through shops". It's because her daughter will ask for anything and everything and throw a tantrum. My daughter doesn't throw tantrums in the shop and is generally behaving well whilst shopping). I just feel like they are hanging up on me, don't want my partner and I to succeed and be happy, talk behind my back. I am aware she has said she thinks I was married before or am still married but that's a big fat lie.

I have spoken to my partner and said I will just avoid her as much as possible but that is not a long term solution is it? I got really really upset and blocked his sister on Facebook which I know is silly but I feel like I am constantly watched. I'm not sure if I even want to marry into his family as his sisters behaviour is not short of being abusive.

How do I handle this????

Read up on the grey rock technique. Non committal. Mmm. Oh really. Oh okay. To her comments. Don't engage she wants a rise from you don't give it to her ..
You don't have to be close with her.

She won't change. Agree with pp to just make non commital comments when with her and make it clear to partner that you would rather not spend any time at all with her. Avoid as much as possible.

Alternatively - tell partner that if he wants to marry you then he tells his sister to grow up and be civil or he won't have any more to do with her. He should really have your back here if she's abusive.

If I say something she will start playing a victim and it will be my fault. Then they will be able to turn around and be like- "I said so"

She is behaving well when my partner is around. The best part of it is- she is a primary school teacher 😆

I'm sure she is talking ill to my partner's mum. The hateful looks I sometimes get- it really upsets me. I have done nothing wrong to his family or him. Maybe I'm being too sensitive.

So you didn’t meet your DP’s family until you were pregnant?

Was your second child planned? Together for two years with a 4 month old child sounds like things moved very quickly. Maybe she has an issue with that?

Even if things moved quickly, does that justify unpleasantness?

I'm not being funny - we are 36 and 39 years old responsible adults. This is our last child as we are both happy with our family. We are not teenagers. I am worried that I will have a lifetime of joy with a toxic in-law. If she would be so worried she should have spoken to her brother about her feelings of our relationship moving too fast. She hasn't. It's irrelevant if my first child was planned.

Tbh you can't change her so your best bet is to cultivate a detached aloofness. You could match her passive aggressive comments, for fun, but something tells me you take it all too much to heart and won't cope well with upping the ante.

I would also focus on not letting this come between you and your partner- which it will do if you are regularly complaining about her. Don't be seen to cause drama, be the bigger person.

I’m sorry you’re insulted by the questions but you came here asking a question and we are just trying to understand the situation.

If my brother only introduced me to a girlfriend after she was pregnant, I would feel he’d been trapped. And your age and declining fertility would only add to that.

Rightly or wrongly, I would feel that as he hadn’t introduced you before the relationship wasn’t serious and he didn’t see you as permanent fixture. By getting pregnant his hands are tied somewhat. So I wouldn’t feel warm and fuzzy about you.

Your boyfriend needs to manage this situation by letting them know that the baby was planned, he wanted you to get pregnant and is very happy with his life with you.

If the baby was a whoopsie, he needs to let them know it was a happy accident and he wouldn’t change a thing.

Of course I met partners family before we planned a pregnancy. But the her behaviour has worsened in a last year or so.

@StormingNorman

Trapped? Cos the poor little man of course couldn't have taken responsibility for contraception and ensured a pregnancy he didn't want wouldn't happen.

I am not insulted at all. Everyone knows and sees he is a proud daddy.

His mum made a negative comment that he is " bousting too much about his son" I found it really negative

How often do you see them? Do you live close by?

What are they like towards your kids?

Women trap men all the time. Let’s not pretend it doesn’t happen.

Are you suggesting that contraception is solely a woman's responsibility?

Is there a cultural mix? If they seemed OK with you prior to your pregnancy are they actively discriminating against you and your baby because they are xenophobes?

Only asking because you have mentioned you are from a different country, sadly there are many people who let out their inner monsters when a baby arrives.

Is the sister jealous that your partner has a son? Does she have children? Did his mother want a grand daughter?

They don't sound like very nice people regardless. I hope your partner is very supportive and is a good step father too. It is him you are marrying, not his family and you can minimise contact.

Have you made new friends through baby groups? Not having any family and few friends can't be easy for you especially when the support you should have is so cruel. 💐

Sometimes, some people are just unpleasant and there is very little we can do about it. Equally, sometimes there is a personality clash that can’t be overcome. All you can do is just leave those people to it and get on with your life.

Still none of her actual business?

As someone else suggested, try not to react when she makes a snide comment. Have a set of responses like "oh well, we're all different", "oh yes?", "oh, interesting", basically don't rise to her. She might get bored and stop bothering. There's probably no point wasting your energy in working out what her problem is, but instead, work on strategies to remain unruffled.

@Berlinlover

As I said men can't be trapped if they take responsibility for contraception.

It’s is indeed a long term solution to avoid her as much as possible.

It’s also an option to not marry into this family, although obviously that would have consequences for your child. Married or not, now the child is born these people are in your life forever.

You say you’re not teenagers, you’re 36 and 39yo. So act like it. Take control of the situation. Agree a position with your fiancé and present it to the sister and mother in law. They will take it or leave it, and you proceed from there.

You are under no obligation to put up with this, and they cannot make you put up with it. It’s up to you to take it, or not.

I really don't get on with my husbands sisters and eventually it drove a huge wedge between him and I. We have only got over it now he has cut his sisters out of his life and therefore away from me.

It wasn't just comments they made to me, it was how he was fine to allow them to treat me the way they did and cut me out of the picture when I finally said I wanted nothing to do with them.

For example I would arrange a lovely weekend away with the kids and husband and then would overhear him telling his sisters how he and the kids had a great time away and completely omit me from the whole experience. I couldn't handle it at all, it made me really dislike him. We are much happier now he has nothing to do with either of them and I don't have to feel like a rent-a-womb for children they care about whilst treating me like dirt.