Ouch. Unexpected post-breakup grief.

[doyoulikemyyams]

At the start of this year I ended a long-term relationship with someone I still loved.

He's a truly lovely, good man, and I care for him very much – but it wasn't right, and I'd known it for a while.

We did a pretty good job of separating with as much mutual respect and care as possible, and we're still in sporadic, polite contact every now and again.

Today's his birthday.

I've been fine about the breakup for a while now, but today it's all hit me again and I'm so sad. Guilty that I broke his heart, sad that such a special guy isn't in my life anymore, sad knowing this is the first birthday of his in years where we won't be doing our usual silly traditions... I keep finding tears rolling down my cheeks out of nowhere.

I'm not regretting the breakup – I know that in the long run it was the right thing to do. And I'm not sure exactly what I'm posting this for. I just really didn't expect today to be this hard.

It’s ok to find it hard even if it was your choice. Have you contacted him today to say happy birthday?

Next year will be easier 😊

Thanks, @DixonD – a little reassurance goes a long way!

I did send him a Whatsapp this morning. Struggled to find the right tone (friendly but not too friendly, upbeat but not over-cheery), but it seemed to land OK.

What makes it even more complicated is that his dad died this year, too – so I imagine today is extra hard on multiple levels and all I want to do is be there to support him. But I know I'm exactly the wrong person to do that.

I totally relate, down to the exes family death and the birthday message. It's nice you sent a birthday message but is that making it harder for you? It's leaving you hanging on and waiting for him. Would he text you on your birthday?

@25smallstacey - thank you. On sending me a birthday message, yes, he would and he did.

And maybe I could have been clearer: I'm not waiting for him to reply – he got back to me right away to say thanks for the birthday wishes and send a funny photo of the dog.

It probably is harder for me making contact with him – whenever we speak I end up feeling knocked off-centre for a few days. But it's also really important to me that we honour the relationship we had and keep being good to one another, even if we're not 'together', so I wouldn't have wanted to let today pass by without acknowledging his birthday.

In the nicest possible way, Im wondering why are you still contacting him? You say you broke his heart, so don't you think you are being unfair to keep contacting him, he might think he's still in with a chance and it could be preventing him from moving on. There's nothing worse than being kept hanging on a thread by an ex, wondering if they are still interested and possibly reading too much into messages they send you. It's fair enough to send a sympathy message about his dad, as I'm guessing you knew him too, but apart from that why keep messaging him? Are you sure you don't still have feelings for him? You sound awfully upset for someone thinking about an ex they are supposedly convinced they did the correct thing splitting up with. Maybe, for his sake, you have to let go now and leave him alone, then you can put him out of your mind too.

@Neverheather I appreciate the sentiment behind what you've said, but I think you've invented some stuff there. I certainly don't 'keep contacting him'.

All I said was that we're still in sporadic, polite contact every now and again – which I don't think is unreasonable after over a decade together and no wrongdoing on either side.

If he drops me a message with an update about the dog's ill health (who was as good as my dog for most of her life), I'm hardly going to ignore it.

I don't think "OK – hope she pulls through. Let me know if you need the previous vet's notes. I'm pretty sure I have them around here somewhere" is going to somehow give him hope that we'll get back together.

And of course I still have feelings for him. I care about him deeply. I always will. But I also know that 'having feelings' isn't enough for a relationship to succeed in the long term.

@doyoulikemyyams Apologies if I've misunderstood. I read your post and sympathised with your feelings of upset, you describe him as such a nice man, I couldn't help wondering if your upset was caused by the fact that you still love him and that's why it affects you so much after you've had contact with him (and I bet it affects him too). How would you feel if he met someone else? Again, I'm not criticising you in any way, it's just that you speak so fondly of him and good relationships are so hard to find.

I'm sorry too – I realised as soon as I posted that that I'd got a bit defensive and sharp with you. I apologise, I know you were coming from the right place.

If he met someone else I'd be happy for him. Of course it would have an emotional impact on me that I'd need to adjust to, but I really do want him to be happy and to be with someone who wants the kind of relationship he can offer. Unfortunately that's not me – and it's not because he's not a good person, it's just that what we want from a relationship didn't match up.

@doyoulikemyyams No worries, think maybe we both misinterpreted what the other meant and I appreciate you are upset at the moment, hence your posting on here. All you can do then, is remind yourself that it will get easier and you'll eventually see him as a good friend who you share some very special memories with. You only split fairly recently, so it's all still new and bound to be raw. I'm sure, given time, you'll cease to get so upset after speaking to him, be kind to yourself, it sounds like you faced up to making a painful decision and did the right thing for both of you in the long term. I'll shut up now!

Well, in your initial message you say that you left someone "you still loved". You had reasons for your decision to leave, but it's that love element making you feel sad now. That's a natural thing. Remind yourself WHY you left, that will hopefully help you cope. All the best.🌺

I am sorry but having been in a similar situation and being the same as the man in this scenario I entirely agree with this. He is never going to tell you to stop contacting him because in doing so you are cutting the tie you so desperately want. It is not always in their best interests to contact them.