Love/hate relationship with Husband

[Helenbery]

We’ve been through a lot over the years. I just don’t know if I do actually love him or stay due to the convenience and DC. He feels the same, but he will vigorously deny we are going through troubles. At night I try to make the effort to be loving and even try to have a normal conversation but he’s glued to his phone watching stupid reels. Every time I feel clear I need to end our marriage, I either get scared and then I notice he becomes nice again. Not back to our early days, but better than the miserable, sullen man I face at night and over the weekend. If I try to explore I feel like I sound like a moan, he doesn’t feel we need counselling so I’m stuck.

I just feel confused and feel sad about this. I always blame the menopause for my emotions but it’s an excuse. I’m not being true to myself. I feel scared to walk away as if the other side will be far worse than what I have now. We don’t even argue any more, I just hear him sighing and saying ‘oh god not now’ and me feeling too sad to push further and fight for this marriage.

Can anyone help me with this please?

Sound's like he doesn't even want to try to make it better, you can't fight for it on your own

I'm sorry and don't know what to suggest really. Could you book marriage counselling alone and tell him you'd really like him to come but you need to change your life. This might be the kick up the bum you both need to make a change either way.

He’s always exasperated and defensive if I try to discuss our marriage, counselling, splitting up then accuses ME of being difficult.

I’m worn out and miserable, I’m worn out too from thinking about divorce. It feels like an uphill effort I don’t have the energy for. Yet I feel so sad and know I’m wasting my years with someone who doesn’t give me what I need. Then again, will any other man do that???

I'm in the same boat, we seem to have hit a wall in our marriage, nothings ever good enough for him, I do my best by our daughter (take her to school everyday and pick her up arrange childcare for the holidays and take her to her dance classes and swimming lessons every week) he seems to not see this though, he's not been working since Easter but still expects me to sorts out the dance and swimming lessons, he's been at home while I've been at work so suppose thats something

There is another option- being happily single. You don't have to have a man to be happy.
But if you crave a relationship, you can't know if there's better out there until you end this one. Even if you never find it, it's still better than being with somebody who dismisses your feelings, blameshifts and has no interest in improving the relationship. You know for sure by now that there's no hope with him. I'd be taking the leap into the unknown if it was me. It's scary, but after all the drama of breaking up is over it can be great. Best decision I ever made. I'm not going to tell you it would be the best decision for you, but realistically, how much have you got to lose?

I'd see a counsellor to talk about it by yourself.

If you stay, make some ground rules you both agree to. Eg having a chat with full attention every night, regular date nights, making it a practice to speak openly about a problem rather than sulking.

It does also sound exactly like the circumstances where you might do a trial separation. You don't say how old your children are or what the financial impact of breaking up would be. You could make a long term plan that brings more of what you want into your life, even if you don't break up right away - living more separate lives.

Don't stick with him just because you think he's about the best man you could find. Being single is better than being unhappy with the wrong person.

Sorry you are feeling so low op 💐

I don’t know why men are like this tbh. So many of them “vigorously deny” anything is wrong when there patently are problems.

My dh and I rub along ok now but he sighs if I try and discuss our marriage. He takes it as a direct criticism of him when in actual fact I want to discuss how to make things better for both of us.

Sorry, not much help, but I do understand where you are coming from.

Also, I think you are right to think about this very carefully. People always say that it’s great being alone but my experience of two friends who divorced have not borne this out. Of course it can work as well. I guess it depends on individual characteristics.

Without wishing to sound preachy, in a long term committed marriage, being true to ourselves isn’t the only consideration, nor is getting what you need, it needs to be a two-way straight. Just my experience but when I looked very honestly at my marriage, I knew that I was responsible for a lot of the issues too and I have tried to work on myself and that has made us both happier. I also started to put some of my own interests first, like he did, and weirdly, me being more “selfish” in a way helped both of us.

All situations are different though so I am not saying that this is necessarily appropriate in your case op. I hope you can find a way to be happier though wherever that takes you.

@SotiredIcanttthinkstraight That is exactly my worry, will I end up totally alone. Also the fear my DC will hate me breaking up their ‘happy’ home life.

I’ve not been able to sleep tonight. He’s not even concerned. I’ve tried to carve out independent hobbies but I want a partner to do things with including the deed!

Is his unwillingness to be a DH a form of control?

OP, only you know if he's controlling. It sounds more likely that he is selfish and lazy and just can't be bothered to put in the extra work needed to be a supportive partner.
He just doesn't want to get into discussing it as thats too much like hard work, hence him denying there's anything wrong. He'd rather just stare at his phone and hope the issues go away.
Can you be clear with him that if things don't change then there is a real danger your marriage will end? He needs to acknowledge there is a problem first and foremost. Also as others have said counselling for you could help you have more clarity and give you some strategies on how to move forward.

I have tried until I’m blue in the face… it’s making me ill and worn out.

I have spent today rushed off my feet with all the housework and my work tasks. Granted he took the DC to their hobbies. He’s just finished messing in the garage and traipsed dirt all around the house. Well my hormones got the better of me and I’ve just gotten so angry. He’s walked out saying he doesn’t deserve this. I don’t even care where he has gone. I’m fed up of not being heard and in this case, yes I was wrong for yelling but it feels cruel to be ignored like that. It hurts so badly. I know I’m tired too.

Sorry you are going through this and feeling so unhappy in your relationship. Could you sit him down, tell him how bad you are feeling and say you want to book couples counselling?

For the time being I would work on yourself. You sound low and overwhelmed.

You can't change other people but I find that if you change, others do too.

Stop focusing on him and your marriage, focus on you. Perhaps write a list of things you'd like to achieve: get fit, eat healthier, get out more into nature, professional development, take up art etc

Start taking steps towards those goals, try to be the best person you can. Therapy would also help. It would be good to speak to someone and process where you are and find ways to move forward.

I went through this, I am now divorced.

I think the menopause does open your eyes to how the relationship really is.

I let it go on too long and thought I could endure, until I couldn’t.

I have slowly come to realise that my ex had secretly felt the same, but had had a cold hard look at divorcing and realised he would be significantly worse off. We were both retired, adult Dc, I was still doing all the housework, he had his hobbies. Why would he want to change things?

He proceeded to carve out his own separate life and went out and spent what he liked, whenever he liked. I stopped trying to get more connection, help and never complained, but I seethed with resentment.

The final killer for me was as this situation progressed he saw me as the impediment to his life and started to use his anger to keep me in my designated box.

Have a very long look at your life and what your future will be if nothing changes. It’s likely you can’t change him, and he won’t let you try, so the change will have to come to you.

Knowledge is power - so look into the financial situation of divorce. Just because you know, doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it - but it may help stifle that fear.

Start journalling your thoughts, go to solo therapy, read online as much as you can. Keep a mood diary. Look hard at yourself ref moods etc. seek help if needed.

You may not want to divorce today, this year or next - but if nothing changes you will be thinking about it seriously as the years go on.

My ex became a bully and the divorce was horrendous- but everyday I’m glad I wake up alone in my own house.

I wrote this way back when and I’m not sure why it’s popped back up.

thank you for your feedback, @Imgoingtobefree I think nowadays my husband has been getting angrier with me too! Sometimes I get paranoid and wonder if he’s seeing someone else as he makes me feel unwanted and undesirable. I’m frustrated at why I keep accepting this torture from him.