Loner venting, with the hope of some replies

[ItsMum14]

Hi. I'm new to this, but I have no friends to talk to in real life, and limited family members.
I'm in pain, so needed a vent (sorry if it's long)

I've been seeing this guy since 2020. I have two children from a previous relationship, but this new guy came into our lives, and it was like he was meant to be, our missing puzzle piece.
After a year or so, he started to show a temper. He would often storm out over stupid things, and stonewall me for weeks. This happened more frequently through the years, but I always forgave him when he came back apologising. The children adored him and so did I. He was amazing in all other areas, he was there whenever I needed him, he listened, he was loyal, we always had amazing family days out, he was good to my children (one of them was bullied at school once, and he went down to the school to sort it out), he was just such a good guy despite the temper tantrums.
Another bad point though, is that he is a mummy's boy, who is obsessed with his own mother. She's not even allowed to know that he is seeing me and we're in our 30s! (Because she doesn't approve of the fact that I already have two children) He is close to her in what I'd call a weird way, and nobody can ever come close to her in his eyes.
Anyway, just a week ago, we all went on a little mini break, he had one of his usual tantrums, but we stayed to continue our break. Until the next evening when I saw a temper ten times worse than ever before. He wasn't violent and never has been, but this time (over something ridiculous again), he got in my face shouting, and when I lightly put my hand on him to back him up, he shoved me off. He called one of my children the c word and said some other very nasty things about them, he kicked my belongings, before ending it with me once and for all, storming out and leaving us there.
Also bare in mind that, as of recently, I suffer with severe panic attacks. It's a miracle that I even got to the holiday destination in the first place. He left us there knowing that I couldn't get back.
I've seen his temper many times, but this was another level.
Now I'm alone, no friends, nobody, just me and the children. Nobody to talk to, and I'm already going through a mental health crisis (it's turned into agoraphobia now), so I can't even get out to distract myself.
A break up at the same time is killing me. I've spoken to two family members on the phone, they both said to forget him, that's easy for them to say. I'm almost 40, and I thought that he was the one until I was old. I'm scared that nobody will ever accept me with two children again, nobody will look at me how he did and I'll never be able to love anybody as much as him.
I guess I just wanted some advice or words of wisdom. Everything in me is screaming to contact him, even though he was so vile! What he called my children and the nasty things he said about them were beyond disgusting, but I know that when he's angry he says the cruellest things to hurt people, he doesn't mean any of it.
I sound weak but I'm actually a strong person, however, I honestly don't see a life without him in it. I can't even distract myself because of the agoraphobia and I've nobody to talk to!
Now that he has gone, my phone no longer rings, my doorbell no longer rings and I no longer feel ok in the world. There were more good points than bad, just that vile temper of his always ruined everything.
I'm absolutely gutted and broken over this. Should I call him or live in pain without him?

Do not call him. He is abusive & not worth it. But you probably need help from your GP. Talk to them about your anxiety. You dont need a man in your life to be happy. Enjoy your children.

I feel bad for you. Just know that you will get through this, and one day you won't feel the same way about him. It just takes time. Nothing is worth your mental and emotional health, or that of your children's. I remember thinking it would never get better, and the pain would never stop, but it did, eventually, and now I'm a happier person, without the drama and hurt all the time. I wish I had been stronger sooner, and left him when my son was a baby. We went through so much. You will find someone again if you walk away from this. I wouldn't tell you what to choose, but do it from a place beyond your pain to straight whether you and your children can be happy with this man, or will he keep hurting you. All my best to you, you deserve to be happy

“This happened more frequently through the years” you say but you’ve only known him 2 years, that’s not exactly years, and he started his tantrums after one year! It was at that point, one year in that you should have kicked him out. That’s a year you’ll never get back!

You have wasted another 12 months on this bat-shit toddler of a mummy’s boy.

Believe me, there are hundreds of posts on here which are similar to yours. Women wasting time on man-child men.

None of us are going to tell you anything different.

Protect yourself and your dear kids from this undeserving immature prat. He’s not worth your energy.

Meanwhile, speaking from experience, it’s early days for a change of gear in your head. You have invested too much in this nincumpoop! Block him on everything. It might take you a week or two, but get yourself and the kids out there, make weekend plans, and fill your diary with activities not including him. Give it a couple of months and he’ll be history. Trust me, I know!

@PashaMinaMio she said she’s been seeing him since 2020.

OP, it’s all still very raw. You say you’ve spoken to family members so you do have people to talk to even if it’s a limited number. It’s ok to not be in a relationship. Learning to be content alone will make it much easier to walk away at the first signs of incompatibility and abusive behaviour.

It doesn’t matter whether he meant the things he said or not. The effect on you and your children is still the same. It’s his responsibility to control his temper and his cruel words, and clearly he can’t. What else can’t he control? I wouldn’t want to wait to find out.

Deep down you know the right thing is to have nothing more to do with him. I know it’s hard to adjust to being single, especially when you don’t have many people in your life, but trust me that no amount of closeness is worth putting up with abuse. Sooner or later it destroys you. You don’t deserve that and neither do your children.

You can get help for panic attacks and agoraphobia. I used to suffer from both, to the extreme, and it’s one reason I clung on to an abusive relationship. Guess what? They improved significantly in the months after I left him. Speak to your GP, there’s support available.

In terms of distraction you can do at home, try playing a game. I play the Sims when I need to distract myself. It’s free.

You’re not broken. This pain is awful but it won’t last, I promise you. I’ve been through it. If you go back to him now you’re only prolonging the misery and reinforcing the idea that you can’t live without him. But you can. This is the start of a better life for you and your children.

You and your children have suffered abuse and now you are in a kind of fog from the bereavement of the break up. In time you'll be able to see clearly that this abuser leaving you is truly a blessing (and not so much in disguise). Seek help for you, for your mental struggles. And go build a wonderful life for you and your children, with foundations so strong they can resist any misstep and misadventure (like the one who brought this awful man to your lives). You say you're strong: then, you can do it! 💪🍀💐

Delete all his contact details.
Block him first.
You say no one will want you with two children.
You may or may not meet someone , you need to get over him first , meeting someone else would be the last thing on my mind.
He was horrible to you and your kids.
He was weird not telling his mum.
He did mean the things he said otherwise he wouldn't have said them.

Okay, go and see your doctor. It sounds to me that you have issues with anxiety and there are meds for that. Otherwise, you can definitely find somebody else with children. I have been married 16 years to my second husband and he raised my children with me. I have a third child who is his too. He makes me happy. Good men exist! 🌺

@ItsMum14 - I’m sorry you’re going through this. He is abusive - the cycle of abuse includes periods of being lovely before the moodiness and violence re-appear. There are ways of abusing people which don’t involve physical violence. His temper tantrums are a form of emotional violence against you. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if you found your panic attacks started to reduce without him around. As a result of his temper tantrums, you have probably, without knowing it, been living in a state of hyper-vigilance; walking on eggshells so as not to set him off. It’s sad but this means he isn’t a safe person for you.

You need to realise that abuse is not just psychical. So it's all well and good that he hasn't psychically hurt you, but the verbal/emotional/mental abuse can be just as damaging.

You need to stop the mind set of 'no one will look at me with two kids' that should be the last thing on your mind. You need to work on yourself before you even look at another man.

You know you can't go back, let that be your motivation. Abuse always escalates, so you think he won't hurt you but he will if you go back. If you do go back, he will think he can do whatever he likes to you, and get away with it.

What you allow will continue - be strong and cut him out of your life.

Imagine how your children felt knowing what he said.. that would be enough for me to leave tbh! You need to get away and I can 100% guarantee the anxiety will calm a little without his unpredictability in your life as I felt the same with my emotionally abusive ex! It's just another stress factor. How long have you got left of holiday?

He sounds awful.

You are damaged already by his weird behaviour and your kids will be damaged too. Is that what you want to happen?

As for his relationship to his mother.... WTF?! Utterly weird.

I have an adult son, the word being "adult". We both went to a festival in Spain this summer but separately - flight, hotel, festival but would meet up every day for lunch or dinner. It was great.

Oh OP, whatever you do, don't let him back into your life. He's now started verbally abusing your children. That has to be the fine line doesn't it?!
It sounds like you need to see your Dr and get appropriate help with your anxiety etc.
Don't think about any other man/relationship until you've had time to heal. Put your kids first, show them you're a strong Mum. x

I just read through all of your replies, I appreciate all of them.
I'm back from the holiday now, I had to get a lift home, I still can't believe he left me there when I was in such a state.

However, I feel like I need that push at the moment to not contact him. As it's still recent, my mind seems to be blurred by the good times only.
There were many, he'd always do nice surprises for the children and I. If I needed him he was there anytime, he'd cook me lavish meals because he wanted to treat me, he'd push me to reach my goals and if I was going through anything he was my rock. I guess that's why it's so hard to let go, and why I overlooked his temper tantrums.
He blamed me and my children for every tantrum, because we annoy him apparently. If I ever said anything during a tantrum he'd threaten to leave me, then he'd storm out and ignore me until he felt like returning. My panic attacks began during a time where he had done just this, and now I notice that that isn't a coincidence.
I miss him terribly and I don't understand why? After some intense Googling it suggests that he has been emotionally abusing me!? A lot of your replies suggest the same!

I wrote a list earlier of reasons he'd stormed out, so I could read it and try to hate him, but I still can't.
What do you all think?

Child 1 farted near him (not the issue) the issue was when she pretended to waft it towards him jokingly. He saw it as a massive disrespect and stormed out.

He did something very childish and I asked why he'd done it. He refused to answer, so I asked him twice more and he went mental because I was questioning him, said aload of nasty things and stormed out.

Stormed out and cancelled our trip for the next day because he turned up here really early in the morning without telling me and I asked "why didn't you tell me you were coming?" He saw that as me being ungrateful and went into one. This triggered me into a massive mental issue and I ended up in hospital. When he found out I was there, he was angry because people may blame him, rather than being concerned for me.

He was vile because we were all out shopping and my child and I took too long in the loo. He threatened to leave us there Miles from home with no way back and went on a swearing rampage for over an hour until I had a panic attack and he apologised.

He stormed out because my child accidentally poked him in the eye. I got him eye drops immediately and he swore at me and left, not talking to me for days.

He got the hump with me because I made a joke that he took seriously. He was so mad that day that he almost ran my foot over because he was blinded by rage and not paying attention.

There are many more instances, but I always forgave him because the good times outweigh the bad, which sounds hard to believe.

Everyone else who meets him thinks he's wonderful. He is sickly nice to everybody and everybody thinks he's the nicest person that they've ever met. Only his mum and I see the other side of him.

Anyway, I don't know, I guess I just wanted to vent on here, as there's nobody much in real life.
I'm still having an internal battle about contacting him, but I know that I shouldn't. Perhaps this is attachment from being abused? I do really love the t**t for some reason.

I'm still having an internal battle about contacting him, but I know that I shouldn't. Perhaps this is attachment from being abused?

It’s called trauma bonding
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding

I do really love the tt for some reason.

I suspect with some time and perspective you will feel differently and see him for who he is.

Every time you feel the urge to contact him, you need to do something to distract yourself. Play a game, phone a family member, scroll Vinted, have a cold shower, bake a cake, do some admin, polish the kettle, whatever. It’s like a nicotine craving, it will be tough but the feeling will pass and eventually the urges will stop altogether.

I understand that you feel that you love this man, but he is affecting your health. As his "hissy fits" seem to be over the most trivial of things, it leaves you "walking on eggshells" not knowing when he may blow up next and storm off! Threatening to leave you and leaving you behind miles from home are nasty forms of control. I would keep my distance in your position. Good luck.🌻

If you don’t leave him your kids will think this is what a normal relationship looks like and will end up with abusive partners.

Thanks for your reply.
How did you overcome the panic attacks and agoraphobia? I've been prescribed sertraline, but I stupidly read other people's experiences on it, and now I'm set against even trying it.

Today is day 11 of no contact with him, and the urge to call him is getting stronger instead of weaker! Life is so lonely without him, and all my brain can think of are the good times and the good memories. I'm not able to sleep properly and I'm barely eating. Add that to the fact that I am having increased panic attacks and that I'm currently stuck indoors because of that, it's all getting too much.

Where can I play the sims for free?

X

Sorry to hear this, OP. Keep reminding yourself that this man is not mentally or emotionally stable or mature. Having him in your life is only going to get worse. In 10 years' time you could be either living a more contented life alone or you may have found someone far kinder and more compatible for you. Aim for that, not to patch up this train wreck. I speak as someone who has been in your shoes a few times and finally learned my lesson, stuck to it, and was so glad I did. Life is hard enough without an idiot in it.

If anyone spoke to my children like that in anger they would get the door slammed after them and I certainly wouldn't be waiting by the phone.

His loss OP. He had the choice to be with you nicely but he blew that chance.

Apart from all the previous tempers and weird mummy vibe.

Screw him OP. Who cares?

It's a bit of a cliche, but: if a friend, or your sister, told you all this about their home/holiday, what would you most want them to do?

I've never been so sure from a description that someone's nice 'face' is an act, that's managed, for now, to cover some very frightening tendencies.

You poor woman. Subjected to all that awful terrifying drama from this abusive man. You will be shocked and really distressed. It's horrendous.

It only ever gets worse.

If you contact him and reconcile, the next time he will do far worse. And to your dcs. You are their protector. Keep them protected.

He groomed you and tricked you into thinking he was a good guy. He isn't. All the bad stuff cancels out any good qualities because the bad stuff is really bad.

Do you think he recognised you as someone who is quite isolated and therefore a good target?

Can you afford a therapist to talk things through? I think it would help you a lot.

Look, it's fine to be single. It really is. I mean, sometimes you have to sit in your feelings and you can't escape them through being with other people but ultimately it's fine being single. It can be great!

But you don't have to be lonely at all. You have to make the effort to get out and about with your interests. It's hard and takes courage but it can be done. But that is later for you. You need to take the time to recover from this awful experience.

He is abusing you and your children, please don’t contact him. Have you thought about contacting women’s aid or doing the freedom program, it might help you see how terrible and controlling his behaviour is

It was a couple of things. First and foremost, I'd got rid of a twat who made my life a misery (even though I too struggled with memories of the 'good times'). The other one was exposure. I had previously worked PT because of my MH, but after becoming single I had no choice but to throw myself into another job in order to afford a flatshare. It was really hard at first and I had quite a few wobbles in the first few weeks where I wondered if I'd done the right thing. I ended up going along to a social group that met in a pub. I remember panicking beforehand about whether I'd be able to sit near an exit and imagining all sorts of scenarios. I felt very anxious at first but it gradually dissipated, and I went along the next week, and the next. If I'd stayed with him, stayed in our flat, stayed working PT in the same crappy job and not challenging my fears, I don't think I would have ever overcome the agoraphobia and I'd still be living under his thumb.

The more you avoid going out, the more terrifying it becomes. The only way to properly overcome this is through gradual exposure, which can be done with the help of professionals. Are you under a MH team currently? You can ask to be referred for CBT or ERP. In my trust there's a MH team that goes out with people, for walks or a coffee or whatever, to support them with their anxiety, perhaps that's something you could ask about. You could also look into befriending schemes in your area, and some areas have organised groups for people recovering from periods of poor mental health where you do activities together. It falls under 'social prescribing' I think, you can ask your GP/MH team about this.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but this is the beginning of a better life for you and your children. You know it will only get worse if you go back. The pining feelings will fade, I promise.

Also have a look at this:

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I would strongly recommend doing it in person if they have one in your area and you can bear it, because you'll meet other women there and potentially develop friendships.

Sims - https://www.ea.com/en/games/the-sims/the-sims-4

Hover over 'play for free' and there's download options.

You can do this OP.