To stay with DP just for the kids?

[RunningMummy26]

I’ll try and keep this brief but it’s very complicated.

DP and I have been together for just over 7 years. I got pregnant very early on, we decided to make it work and I have DD (6) and DS (3).

Just before DD was born we moved in together. I then realized he really likes a drink - didn’t think much if it at 1st and assumed he’d cut back after DD was born. He didn’t. We eventually spoke about it and after a couple of years in denial he admitted he was an alcoholic, went to AA and got sober.

In the past he’s done all sorts of stuff. In the time I’ve been with him he’s stolen money from me, his family, my mum, his son (my DSS) - it’s all been petty amounts and mostly linked to alcohol. Years ago he admitted that he used to leave my DSS in his flat alone sleeping while he went down to the shop to buy beers. He’s left DS - 2 at the time - in the car alone while he went in the shop.

We’ve tried couples counseling but over the last year it’s become obvious that we’re not right for each other. We’ve had some horrible arguments where he tells me DSS doesn’t like me etc etc. I try not to argue as I don’t want the DC to hear it but his moods are very unpredictable and our oldest picks up on it. She doesn’t really like DP - she hits him, cry’s if she has to stay with him while I go out. I think it’s partly because she’s sticking up for me but also because she’s realized daddy likes DSS and DS more than her.

Every so often something big will happen but I always convince myself that I’m better off staying with him. Last night he was acting very strange. I went to out something in the downstairs toilet and found he’d stashed half his dinner in there - looked around and found beer cans hidden. He says it was a 1 off but I’m not sure I believe that. He shouted that loud when I asked him about it that he woke up DD.

I think I’ve reached my limit and I need to leave him. I’ve always stayed as I hoped we could work it out for the DCs sake. I think it’s now doing DD, DSS and probably soon DS more harm than good. The other reason I’ve stayed with him is I’m scared about him having them alone for any length of time. I don’t doubt that he’s a good dad but I can’t trust that he won’t be drinking, leaving them home or in the car alone, driving after drinking (he’s done that before with DSS). If I say with him I’m harming the children through them hearing arguments and they’re not getting a good understanding of what a loving relationship is. If I leave, he could put them in danger with his drinking.

If he does move out, how do people manage? We rent and live on the edge of London. I work part time but our rent is very high. I wouldn’t be able to afford it. I don’t have any savings as they’ve been spent over the years and I don’t have any family with any money. His mum helps us out financially a lot. I just feel like my life is such a mess and I don’t know how to move forward.

Please don’t waste any more of your life on him, you never know how long you’ve got. You will work it out, if he left you you’d have to.

You have to leave. You have the chance of being happy in the future if you do, but not if you stay. As for your children it’s a no-brainer- if you stay you are failing them. They will suffer for the rest of their lives by being brought up living with a man like this.

Can you move to a cheaper area and get work there? Could you move nearer your own family and have them help even a little with childcare while you get back on your feet and while they are so little? You may be surprised at how much you could get in benefits for the next couple of years if it’s just you and the children.

As for access, if you moved and he took it to court you’d have to do the travel probably, and yes he’d have them overnight. But would he want that anyway?

What is MIL like and does she know he’s an alcoholic? Does she help you out for his sake, or for the kids/all of you? Because those are two different motivations. If you were to say to her, MIL, he is an aggressive alcoholic, DD already dislikes and distrusts him, DSS is completely messed up, DS is going to go the same way and I am leaving him because I honestly think that’s the only option which means that the kids will grow up in a calm home and can have a better relationship with him so that they won’t want to either leave him or cut him off completely in the future. Or he ends up arrested for domestic violence - what do you think she would do - support you because she lives her grandchildren, or fight tooth and nail for her shitty son?

So you have financial worries and alcohol safeguarding concerns if he were to have them alone or overnight.

For the first, look at what benefits you might get based on your income alone. You might need to move home or work more.

https://www.entitledto.co.uk/?e2dwp=y

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/talk-to-us/

For the second issue of keeping them safe and your options I would seek legal advice either from a family lawyer or try contacting helplines

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/clas/contact-child-law-advice/

Get legal advice about protecting your children from his drinking, it might help to have texts or emails where you remind him of his behaviour just as a trail of evidence that he did those things. Report him to police if you know he is drink driving.

Consider self referring to Child Social Services and maybe tell school not to release them to the dad as he might be drinking.

https://family-law.co.uk/co-parenting-with-an-alcoholic/

https://www.beyondlawgroup.co.uk/family/newsroom/will-a-history-of-alcohol-misuse-prevent-you-from-spending-time-with-your-children/

https://www.birkettlong.co.uk/personal-law/childrens-law/drug-and-alcohol-concerns-children-act-proceedings

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

You are not better off staying with him and neither are your children. They do not need or warrant an alcoholic parent in their day to day lives. What are they going to remember the most about their childhoods if you stay with him; it will be you constantly firefighting his alcoholism and that will be a losing game for you and them. Your relationship with your kids will be further harmed and your DD already thinks her dad prefers her siblings over her.

What are you getting out of this relationship now exactly, what is in this for you?.

Is there any opportunity for you to go full time or increase your hours?.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and its never been with you either.

If he wants to be at all bothered to see his children going forward then he can use a contact centre to see them. No informal arrangements between you and he should be made.

The benefit of leaving him is that the children will be able to see what a normal life could be like, how a normal adult can function, it can show them a different possible way of life than what their dad is showing them. The home environment will be calmer because mum and dad aren't arguing or tiptoeing around drunk daddy.

If the children end up at risk, when you have told court, police, school and social services then you know you have done all you can. When you stay with an alcoholic, your energy is gone into mitigating the drunkness, whether he is drinking or not he is always there like a burden, so the children are seeing this 7 days a week as opposite to 2 days a week of seeing drunk dad. Nobody will thank you for staying with him, not even the dad.

The reality is, you do not have more control when you stay with him because he could do things as soon as you turn your back. When you are at work, when you are in the shower, when you are asleep or sick in bed he might do dangerous things, drink secretly. You cannot always watch him. The safest thing is to remove your children from this environment AND expose his drinking even if the truth will raise uncomfortable questions about why you stayed and had another child etc, it's better to leave now when your two children are alive than later.

The first right step now is to make arrangements to leave him. Also don't cover up for him, let his family know what he has done because you and the children need a lot of support right now.

Please just leave him .
I left it later than I should have done .
My children have a secure and safe home with me . They have been able to build a relationship with him that is boundaried knowing home is safe .
Can you imagine what it feels like growing up in an insecure or uncertain house ? I wish I had lessened that exposure .

The children are exactly why you should be leaving. This is a toxic mess to raise them in. It is your responsibility to keep them safe.

You also deserve more for yourself.

Thank you for your replies - they’ve given me something to think about and some useful reading.

You can't protect them by staying with him.

My DH tried that with his former alcoholic partner. He did all the parenting around her, living in the same house. She drank herself to death when DSD was 4. All DSD remembers of her is that she stank and was always asleep on the sofa. But she's carrying a lot of trauma.

Get your kids away from him. Please. Alcoholics cannot be good parents.