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Original poster

Stop access to our child

47 replies

orangeskys · 06/09/2024 21:43

I posted a recent thread regarding my ex narcissist partner.

I was advised by the police to get someone to be the middle person until I can get court sorted. He has ruined this already and it's been one day. He deliberately tried picking our daughter up at 2.55pm when he has told the middle person he would get her at 3.10pm she wasn't there obviously as I was going to drop her at that time but was told he was there anyways I did in the end and he made comments to try and get a rise out of me I completely ignored this. He then goes on and slates me to these middle people when I leave and did the same before I arrived. He deliberately turned up earlier it was obvious. He then was meant to drop her back there at 5pm he didn't he dropped her at 5.30 which pissed the middle person off as they have their own children and things to do dinner etc he then carries on with the slating me and shit as well. He has told them he isn't taking me to court he wants me to take him to court so he don't have to pay and then he wants to unleash all this evidence he has about me to get full custody.

The middle people are not wanting to be apart of it no more, I don't know what to do I've done what the police have advised and I have also let him have his daughter I've never stopped him but now I'm stuck in a position where there will be noone else to be the middle person, I'm not going to apply to the courts for him to shame me and tell them loads of bullshit about me when I've done nothing wrong except want to change a weekend.

I have no idea what to do now? I'm stuck, I'm lost and I'm stressing out because now it's going too look like I'm stopping him see his daughter when that isn't the case and he will turn it all around on me to get full custody as he says. I don't have anyone else who can be the middle people and he has been warned by the police to not be near me or my home.

What do I do? 😔🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
EverybodyLTB · 08/09/2024 09:17

My EXH said the same thing to me, that I have to take HIM to court if I want him to actually do anything that follows any kind of agreement or arrangement. I just stopped communicating with him as I had a tonne of evidence of him threatening and abusing. He then hasn’t seen them. If he pops up I will go for a child arrangement order and am aware of the process, but it’s been a long time. Because he’s a narcissistic abuser, he doesn’t actually seem to give a shit about the kids unless it’s a way to abuse me, and I don’t give him any energy any more so he doesn’t bother. The few friends he’s got left he tells his sob story to 🤷‍♀️ I don’t engage or respond. He can take ME to court if he wants to see them, not the other way around.

EverybodyLTB · 08/09/2024 09:22

Just to add, re the not seeing. I have a few friends trying to ‘co-parent’ with narc exes, it makes me so glad my EXH doesn’t see my kids. They drain the life out of you and the relationship does little to benefit the child apart from dimly being able to say that they see their dad. I am really not one of these advocates of maintaining a relationship at all costs, like fucking CAFCASS. Sometimes it’s better to let the lazy loser man continue on his path of nastiness in the opposite direction, if you can get that than you’re actually lucky. Some men use court as a weapon against the mum, and the child visitation the same. If you can let him disappear you might find it massively improves both yours and your child’s mental health and future.

AutumnFroglets · 08/09/2024 09:25

orangeskys · 08/09/2024 09:09

He won't take me to court he said he has no money.

So she won't ever see him.

Show quote history

That's a good thing then. The best way to protect vulnerable children from vile parents is not to insist they see them.

Original poster
orangeskys · 08/09/2024 09:34

EverybodyLTB · 08/09/2024 09:17

My EXH said the same thing to me, that I have to take HIM to court if I want him to actually do anything that follows any kind of agreement or arrangement. I just stopped communicating with him as I had a tonne of evidence of him threatening and abusing. He then hasn’t seen them. If he pops up I will go for a child arrangement order and am aware of the process, but it’s been a long time. Because he’s a narcissistic abuser, he doesn’t actually seem to give a shit about the kids unless it’s a way to abuse me, and I don’t give him any energy any more so he doesn’t bother. The few friends he’s got left he tells his sob story to 🤷‍♀️ I don’t engage or respond. He can take ME to court if he wants to see them, not the other way around.

Yeah see my ex is like this, he uses her to get to me and try triggering me, makes comments and digs all the time as can't help himself. It's funny because he's 36 would have thought he would have grown up by now. The things he says are just disgusting too!!

OP posts:
Original poster
orangeskys · 08/09/2024 09:39

EverybodyLTB · 08/09/2024 09:22

Just to add, re the not seeing. I have a few friends trying to ‘co-parent’ with narc exes, it makes me so glad my EXH doesn’t see my kids. They drain the life out of you and the relationship does little to benefit the child apart from dimly being able to say that they see their dad. I am really not one of these advocates of maintaining a relationship at all costs, like fucking CAFCASS. Sometimes it’s better to let the lazy loser man continue on his path of nastiness in the opposite direction, if you can get that than you’re actually lucky. Some men use court as a weapon against the mum, and the child visitation the same. If you can let him disappear you might find it massively improves both yours and your child’s mental health and future.

Tell me about the draining part for the most of two years I've had to deal with this moron, his comments, digs and shitty remarks about me and my parenting. He gets nasty when things don't go his own way but he was controlling my life deliberately to spite me and I'm not having it anymore it's not fair on me or my other children. He hasn't been exactly kind to them too and they cannot stand him, the last straw for me was that comment he made about me trying to kill their sister 4 times (because I wasn't 100% on keeping the baby at very early days) I couldn't believe he told my 11 and 8 year old that I was absolutely fuming 😡

OP posts:
BeeCucumber · 08/09/2024 09:43

Agree with pp. Stop all contact. He is using the contact time to get to you - to bully and intimidate. If he truly loves his child, he would make an effort and be a parent. He doesn’t actually want your daughter - he likes to torment you.

Original poster
orangeskys · 08/09/2024 10:04

BeeCucumber · 08/09/2024 09:43

Agree with pp. Stop all contact. He is using the contact time to get to you - to bully and intimidate. If he truly loves his child, he would make an effort and be a parent. He doesn’t actually want your daughter - he likes to torment you.

A lot of people have said this to me. I've started seeing it if honest.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2024 10:04

@orangeskys you don't go to mediation with an abuser BUT you have to go through the mediation process prior to going to court.

You provide evidence/explain the abusive things he has done and the service will sign it off as "not suitable for mediation".

Original poster
orangeskys · 08/09/2024 10:06

RandomMess · 08/09/2024 10:04

@orangeskys you don't go to mediation with an abuser BUT you have to go through the mediation process prior to going to court.

You provide evidence/explain the abusive things he has done and the service will sign it off as "not suitable for mediation".

Ok. He's just going to be a complete ass when it goes to court. I just know he will start saying stuff like nasty stuff.

OP posts:
BeeCucumber · 08/09/2024 10:15

I doubt if it will get to court. You said he hasn’t got the money?

RandomMess · 08/09/2024 10:24

Doesn't matter what he says in court all his hot air and lies will reflect badly on him. CAFCASS speak to you, him and all the DC and report to the court.

You will be happy to offer supervised contact as you have no one to do handovers to stop him abusing you. That is entirely reasonable.

He will have to prove himself via supervised contact to move onto unsupervised.

The key is getting a very tight CAO with days and times, covering birthdays, Christmas, holidays.

Most like scenario is him failing to turn up at contact, dropping back ridiculously early or late. So you need to think about where to do handover that works for you.

He collects early you don't answer the door, he collects late you all go out and he misses contact.

All communication goes through a court approved Co parenting App so it can be used as evidence in a future court process.

Original poster
orangeskys · 08/09/2024 10:54

BeeCucumber · 08/09/2024 10:15

I doubt if it will get to court. You said he hasn’t got the money?

Yeah he's waiting for me to do it and take him to court so he can then like I said unleash all this evidence if why he should have full custody.

OP posts:
BeeCucumber · 08/09/2024 10:59

You have your answer.

Original poster
orangeskys · 08/09/2024 11:17

BeeCucumber · 08/09/2024 10:59

You have your answer.

But then he would use that I've stopped him seeing her. When I haven't he's the one who's ruined it. I just don't get why it has to be like this. It pisses me off it really does. 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
orangeskys · 08/09/2024 11:21

localnotail · 06/09/2024 22:08

Find out if there is a contact centre anywhere near you and organise handover through them. They would set the time and would also write reports so you will have evidence of him being late etc.

Believe the nearest one to me is 45mins away.

OP posts:
BeeCucumber · 08/09/2024 11:37

Stop communicating with him. Let him make the next move.

abracadabra1980 · 08/09/2024 11:52

I had one like this (exH)-he used to manipulate situations and try and record me in a distressed state (he had an affair and left us but still wanted to control the whole situation). He use to say I was emotionally unstable (nobody else we knew would have agreed) and basically he threatened me with everything he could think of to try and break me. He is a highly intelligent narcissist, but devoid of emotional intelligence and empathy. My solicitor (whom my dad was paying for as I was a SAHM) said he'd never encountered anyone so difficult. He agreed with me that mediation would be totally pointless as my exH would just disrespect the whole process. I also had to get a the police to put a restraining order in him as he kept creeping into the house in the early hours pretending he needed things. I'm so, so glad I'm free of him now. He absolutely blindsided me at the time, and I have since remarried. He wouldn't dare have wound my current DH up as he knows he can't (ie physically much bigger). I've tried very hard to be calm for my children's sake so they could maintain a relationship with him. He is very wealthy and uses money to pay for solicitors to send threats. He also thinks nothing of lying on oath to the court.
Unfortunately there are many men out there who can, and will do this. I know now he was dabbling in cocaine-and wasn't handling the comedowns. What an arse. Good luck and I promise things will get better.

JohnofWessex · 08/09/2024 12:05

Much good advice on here.

BUT are you stopping access.

Arrangements have been made with your Ex has either not complied with and/or pissed of the people who were facilitating contact.

As a result arrangements you made have broken down.

Balls in his court now if he's interested.

If he makes some arrangements then you may go along with them but in the meanwhile await the call

RandomMess · 08/09/2024 17:43

Stop wasting your energy even listening to him

Original poster
orangeskys · 08/09/2024 19:18

RandomMess · 08/09/2024 17:43

Stop wasting your energy even listening to him

I'm not that's why he's blocked and the middle people are dealing with it all.

OP posts:
AndSoFinally · 09/09/2024 07:21

Get the account from the middle people in writing and that they refuse to help anymore because of this. That way you have a contemporaneous record if it ever does go to court, that he prevented this from happening, not you

Original poster
orangeskys · 09/09/2024 07:47

AndSoFinally · 09/09/2024 07:21

Get the account from the middle people in writing and that they refuse to help anymore because of this. That way you have a contemporaneous record if it ever does go to court, that he prevented this from happening, not you

This is a good idea I'll get them to do this

OP posts:
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