Is it normal to say this at the end of a relationship?

[OrangeRoseApple]

I know people often say they've fallen out of love, but what would you make of someone telling you, after over five years together, that they'd never loved you? If true, is it selfish/cowardly to stay in a relationship if you feel like this? I told him I feel used. But I haven't had much experience with relationships and maybe this is a normal thing to say. This man is 50.

Yes, he did say it occasionally, not often, but found it very hard to say it.

It’s unnecessary and just hurtful.

I love my current partner (I’m 50) and I know I never loved my ex (10 years prior) to the same level - it’s a totally different love. I can’t help that - but I would never say it

I think it's very common for men to stay in relationships with people they quite like and fancy, but are not actually in love with, in order to make life more pleasant and have regular sex. This can go on indefinitely, until they get dumped for not committing or meet someone they do fall for completely.

Women more often stop enjoying the relationship once they have realized they are not actually in love or have fallen out of it.

However, it is very poor form to tell you this, unless there is a context you left out, e.g. you had demanded to know if he was ever in love with you and he was trying to be honest.

I am not saying this was the case here, it's possible he is rewriting history or just trying to hurt you.

Either way, you are loveable and will find someone better in time.

I still remember the sting of my second serious boyfriend (4 years) telling me he’d met someone ‘more on my wavelength than you ever were’. Ugh. And those four years were full of the exact opposite, completely loved up, him more than me probably.

Who knows why they feel the need to say things like this, OP. Maybe it’s cowardice. Maybe they HAVE fallen in ‘stronger love’ with the new person and only now realise that there’s a stronger version than what they felt for you. Maybe they’re rewriting history. You can’t explain it and it probably won’t help you.

What I do think is yes, it’s twattish behaviour and doesn’t deserve to stick in your brain. Dust yourself off and try and move on.

I think it's unnecessarily cruel to say this without more context eg I'd understand if it was in retaliation to other cruelty but as a reason to leave or an 'exit' comment where you hadn't done something so awful to him like cheat is just twisting the knife.
I don't think it's cowardly to stay without being inlove, there are other equally valid reasons to stay in a partnership. The idea that you need love or that unless there is love then the relationship is meaningless is inaccurate and irresponsible.

You are entitled to feel used, maybe he did use you but I'm talking generally.
As far as his age, I think younger people are more aware of how to talk about feelings and have better emotional intelligence than people 45+ however, this man knew full well how it would sound he wanted to hurt you and justify his bad behaviour as 'you just didn't get the best version of me because you couldn't make me love you'
Men like him only love themselves, be glad to be free off him.

its a snidey and unecessary thing to say given the relationships over now. Obviously its hurtful, sys a whole lot more bout him than about you tho.

Thanks, all. A) I can't imagine myself saying this to someone after spending years together and B) staying this long in a relationship if I didn't love them.

If it's true, it was unnecessary and cruel to say it and what a waste of his time and yours and if it's not true it was designed to hurt. Either way, thank your lucky stars you're away from him now

@OrangeRoseApple

most often it's just rewriting history. If you dumped him, to protect his ego. If he dumped you, for justification.

Dont take it to heart xx

I would never judge the totality of a longterm relationship on the grounds of the sentiments or narrative of one party when it ends, especially if they are the one to end it. Too subjective, complicated, messy, potentially wise with hindsight, self-justifying etc.

It’s about him not you, and it’s definitely not about the actual relationship!

Either he wanted to say something to hurt you at the end of the relationship because HE feels hurt/angry or whatever, or it’s about his insecurity - it’s all over, he can’t bear to think that you may be thinking that he feels lost, hurt, at a disadvantage, or that you might think he’s pining etc - so it’s the ex’s version of ‘I didn’t want one of your horrible sweets/ didn’t want a go on your boring bike anyway! It’s crap!’

So depending on whether he’s more the insecure type or the nasty type, pick one! But I’d personally always feel sorry for someone who hits out like this at the end of a relationship, it always says FAR more about them and how they handle bad stuff than they’d like it to.

Forget about him!

I don't think it's normal. It's nasty too. I'm happy they're gone from your life

This!

I think it's common at the end of a relationship to say things that aren't true. Particularly rewriting history from 'I loved you but I don't now, I'm sorry' to 'I never loved you and everything that has gone wrong in our relationship was your fault'

So sadly I think this is a common thing for men to say but it doesn't at all mean this is what was real in your relationship.

My exH said this to me when I discovered his affair.

When he said he no longer loved me I assumed he meant he was no longer in love with me. I said surely he still loved me as a friend or like a relative. We'd been together 15 years, married 10 and had dc together. We were like best friends and I could have accepted him saying he'd fallen out of love as we'd become like room mates/siblings.

But no he, told me had never loved me (he used to tell me daily he did) and that he'd never been happy in our relationship.

Read up on "the script" - I believe they're re-writing history to ease their guilt and to stop them looking so bad

Thanks for helpful replies, helps me to put things in perspective