Zero affection - at a loss…

[mumbun12345]

Hi all,

I really need some help.. advice, wisdom anything really.

My husband and I have zero love life left. No kissing, cuddling, or intimacy of any sort. Had sex once in the last year.. no physical contact of any sort. We have spoken about the issue and my husband has said he gets nothing from it, doesn’t like being touched and probably isn’t going to change.

I feel like I am staring down the barrel of a celibate life that I didn’t choose. I’m only late 30’s and this is so daunting. We have a young daughter and no plans for more children.

I can’t bare to break up our family unit as we have a nice time as a family, he is such a good dad, does so much around the house etc but I am really unhappy with this aspect of our marriage. I strongly suspect he no longer finds me attractive but he won’t admit it.

I know the advice will be to leave but I can’t bare to break out family unit and the financial implications will screw us all over as a family.. but I do feel like my personal sacrifice is a bit too much as I’m feeling unhappy and it’s beginning to have such a bad effect on my self esteem and confidence.

Help!!

That must be so hard. But by staying, that is the choice you are making. He’s clear that his stance won’t change so at least he’s not going to waste any more of your time kidding you otherwise.

If you leave, you may or may not meet someone who will make you happy and feel desirable again.
If you stay, it’s guaranteed that you won’t, and there’s every possibility that you will become resentful and depressed. You can already feel the effects of living unhappily.
Would you want your daughter to stay in a marriage like yours when she’s older? Because by modelling that kind of relationship, you increase her chances of repeating history,
You know what you need to do.

Ask him if he would be ok with you finding physical intimacy elsewhere while remaining in the marriage

Yes see if he would open up the relationship otherwise choose your hard. Life is suffering, you will never have everything at the same time.

You've just said you don't want to leave. You've also said he won't change
What do you want people to say ?
Only thing I can think of it to build your own life away from the family and try and be happy that way.

Why are people suggesting “opening up the relationship”, it’s nothing short of confusing and abusive to do so. Either stay or leave. If you are no longer anything but platonic friends with growing resentment, and he genuinely is not longer attracted, then LEAVE the relationship and coparent the best you can together. Before you do that, ask him if he wants to make the marriage work and if he’s prepared to do the necessary to make it work, this may mean getting some therapy as he could well be depressed or burnt out.

people who suggest “open the relationship” I truly don’t understand your thought process.

Sex isn't all that important to me but intimacy and connection are. The best sex of my life was with someone that was a bad choice for a relationship and would never make a life partner. I have a quieter sex life now but I'm happy and secure with someone I laugh lots with and rarely ever get fed up with. We are a great team and I feel that if you felt more important to him, the sex might not matter all that much. I know at 44 , it's often the last thing on my mind but we are still very affectionate with each other.

What does your quiet inner voice say?

I get the sense that it says you can’t stay and carry on living like this.

I notice that it’s not merely sex you are deprived on, in your marriage, but also physical affection and recognition that you find one another attractive.

Does your husband talk about his feelings much and does he proffer them without you needing to ask for them?

To be the fact that he says he gets nothing from sex doesn’t tell me all I - in your shoes - would need to know. Does that mean he never did? Does that mean he did but now he doesn’t find you attractive / feels he is asexual / thinks he might be gay / feels so resentful about something else that he can’t bring himself to do it and then to enjoy it?

It’s a provocative answer, when I look at it. Because it suggests he thinks that it is something he can turn on / off, unilaterally. And a lack of concern that you might consider it a deal breaker.

🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

many, many ducks

all the ducks