Friend who refuses to be pinned down to a meeting time

[Sixteenmilestogo321]

Aargh! Can someone help me with suggestions as to how I handle this diplomatically please?

Context is we live rurally and I have an older friend in the same village who has a bit of a spiky personality and can be prone to taking things the wrong way. She is fundamentally a very kind person though who has really helped us integrate, so I need a polite way of handling this situation.

Friend tends to initiate contact more than me for the simple reason we are at different life stages and I am busy with a family and she is widowed and on her own.

So she will ring up early in the morning and want to come over immediately. Early for her is anywhere from 7.30 to 9.30 am. Unfortunately, this is when I am busy with animals, family etc so, although I do accommodate her timing when I can, I have tried to encourage her to come for coffee, lunch, or tea instead, later in the day.

This is where it breaks down as she will never be tied down to a day or time!

She tries to avoid saying when she will come in advance like most people, eg “Wednesday morning at roughly 11.00 am ok for you?” No, she prefers to keep me guessing! Then she will text on a random day ten minutes in advance and expect me to be available.

Again I try and accommodate this but it is starting to get really annoying. I don’t get much time alone and I really value knowing that I have a full afternoon of solitude ahead of me so I can plan my time accordingly and appreciate it!

On a day she has rung and suggests we meet, or I do, but she wont agree to a set day and time, it kind of ruins it if I am thinking “is X going to be texting in a minute and wanting to come over or not?”. Or, conversely, I can’t think “great I have the whole afternoon to do this, because X isn’t coming until tomorrow morning”.

She doesn’t really understand the concept of enjoying solitude so if I ever try and say “I am busy” she will say “but I can see your car is there and no one else’s” and of course it is very obvious in the countryside if you are in or out!

Lastly, I have no idea why she won’t agree to a time and day in advance. She says it is because she is very busy, but then complains she feels alone and doesn’t have any friends! But she has a strong personality so likes to be in control so maybe she isn’t aware she is doing this?

Any ideas anyone please?

This is really rude of her!

The only suggestion I can give is you start TELLING her when you'll be free. And if she turns up at your home unannounced or at a time that wasn't planned you ignore your door/phonecalls

I couldn't do this as I'm a planner. But assuming you want to stay friends I'd -

If she rang/messaged and I was free then yes I would meet. If it wasn't convenient I would decline and offer an alternative.

If she said Friday and refused to commit to a time I would mentally commit to a time in my head say 11-3 and plan the rest of my day accordingly. If she rang at say 3 I would say 'oh sorry I'm busy now I can do next Thursday ?'

And if I didn't see much of her so be it.

I do have a friend who's not a planner. (But not as bad as your friend ) I mentally plan when I'm free to meet up and the ask her that week . So to her it's fairly spontaneous but for me it's been planned ages 😂

Thanks Leighannexxx

I thought it was maybe me and I was over-thinking it!

But I think she is scheduling visits, in her own mind, around what suits her and isn’t affording me the same courtesy!

I can’t hide from her really because I work outside so she will come and find me!

Can you say you are testing out a new time-management technique/program to get life in order, so will she please not be offended if you schedule her in, as you must be very strict for it to work?

Thx imforeverblowingbuttons

That’s a very good idea about mentally committing to a period of time in my own head, even if she won’t! That way I can exert some control over the situation too and it won’t be as frustrating hopefully!

Don’t come up with any lies, keep it very simple, so she wants to meet, you respond that you are free Tuesday at 2 until 4, no nothing else, no other time, if she is unable to commit then simply say sorry, maybe another time. If she turns up or rings, by all means answer, but don’t lie, you are not free just like you said, why not? You are just not!

Stand up for what you want out of this friendship as well, it can’t all be on her terms. But never come up with lies or vague reasons, people always try and find ways around them. Again, even if you look free to her, you are not, only the suggested time you gave her.

If she comes to find you when you’re working, what do you do? Stop what you’re doing and go in for a coffee with her? You’re probably giving her the impression it’s a welcome interruption.

Can you just carry on with what you’re doing instead? “Hi Sue, can’t stop lots to do, you can help me muck out the chinchillas if you like”.

Thank you *cookiebee *

That’s great advice!

It depends! Sometimes I stop (and yes it is inconvenient) but sometimes I don’t and that is when she gets a bit spikey!

Some joint mucking out might put her off though 😀😀.