DH never compliments me

[HebburnPokemon]

DH has never said I’m pretty, not even on our wedding day. It’s started to really get me down as I approach peri-menopause and feel more fat and ugly and hormonal.

Whenever I ask him why he never compliments me, he says he’s not a verbal person.

Its not just looks either. But it hurts the most.

I saw an old facebook post where he said “happy birthday to my beautiful wife” when he was marry to his ex.

Im presumably not ugly as never had trouble finding a partner.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting too much? Overthinking?

But it shows he’s capable

I knew someone who was constantly praising his beautiful wife on Facebook for many years whilst shagging around with his friends wife,so usually these wonderful couples posting of their undying love for each other are the ones with crappy relationships.

How long have you been married OP?
Yes it must be upsetting if he says compliments aren't his style but he could give them to his Ex.
However he chose to marry you so he must have been attracted to you.
And he is no longer with her even though he gave her compliments.

I am feeling this esp the looking at fb and seeing a compliment from Dp that said his Xw looked beautiful. He does tell me I look
”nice” and he is constantly showing affection and we have a great sex life so even though I know he’s attracted to me, I would really like him to verbalise it. But I think he’s just not that guy and it was pressure from his x as while all these gushing posts were going on their marriage was in trouble and she was shagging her mums best friends son ( they had 2 babies under the age of 2 at this stage).

how very needy! it must be exhausting... i can't remember the last time my DH complimented me, but i certainly don't worry about it.. i know how i look, and i know how he feels about me i don't need to be constantly complimented

Been together 5 years, married 2.

Why might he be refraining from compliments even though he’s been capable of giving them in the past?

His ex cheated on him if that’s relevant?

Constantly complimented, hah! A single compliment in 5 years would be a start!

I wish I knew the answer to this! Similar situations. Sometimes it gets me down when I make a super effort. Once in teams a colleague messaged me outside of a meeting we were in and told me I looked gorgeous ( female colleague), when I told Dp in passing there was no reaction. It’s wierd because when we are out he is either holding my hand, hand around waist or on my thigh. Think physical touch is how he shows his love and acts of service. How is everything else in the relationship?

His love language is acts of service, which I do appreciate. However I feel I need verbal way more

You married him 3 years after you started dating. If he never complimented before you got married why do you thing he'd start now. You knew what he was like.

so why has it taken you 5 years to bring it up? you dated him and then you married him... why do you need it now and not 5 years ago

Meh, we can’t always get what we want.

All you can do is remember to compliment him and hopefully it will prompt him, otherwise don’t waste your life worrying about it.

If my partner told me this very easy small gesture makes me feel amazing loved appreciated. Then because I value him and the relationship, if its of no detriment to me, then I am absolutely doing it. Even if it feels odd not natural or I don't personally value it.

It doesn't really matter if its the way he has always been, is it the way he wants to carry on being?

Have you considered couples counselling to really get to the root of it for both of you? Does he show his love and care in other ways? Or is this part of a deeper level of disconnection for you?

@MightyGoldBear for me I’ve never said anything to dp about compliments being lacking , as then if he started to compliment me it would not feel genuine or authentic. It would not make me happy.

I don’t think the stuff people put on social media mean a thing. I inwardly roll my eyes when I see people post about how beautiful their partners are or make claims that they are the ‘best’ husband/wife/parent. My friend’s now ex-husband was always posting about his ‘beautiful, amazing’ wife. As her friend I knew that they had utter contempt for each other and had slept in separate bedrooms for years.

Having said that, I totally understand why that would rub you up the wrong way. It might be as simple as he did that for his ex but now finds it a bit naff. I think people talking about love languages make a fair point.

Same boat here. I think a lot of this comes down to different ways of socializing among women as compared to men. First, women are taught to value appearance much more than men are. And second, women in groups frequently and freely exchange compliments. As PP mentioned, it was her female colleague was the person who noticed the special effort she on her appearance and took the time to compliment her on it.

In general I think men have much less practice giving compliments and are less comfortable doing so. Even if they notice someone looks particularly nice, they may not say anything to avoid "being creepy" or accusations of sexual harassment. They also are more likely to see praising a woman's appearance as a way other men objectify and dehumanize her (how men talk to men about women), and therefore think complimenting your looks is disrespectful.

I would add that a given man who has had a bad experience in the past with someone who was very appearance-focussed, he could be even more reticent to praise based on appearance alone.

In my experience with my DH, he has gotten less likely to compliment my looks as he's gotten older and less patient with a narcissistic culture. However, he cares deeply that I see by the way he treats me that he cherishes me and loves me in a deeper way than just thinking I look nice. He doesn't understand that sometimes that's all I want to hear, as he places far more value on my character and our relationship, and is desperate to show he thinks I'm more than a pretty face.

If he makes you feel loved by the way he treats you OP, please try to focus on that instead of what he doesn't do. Perhaps go to some women who care about you for the compliments you need.

Perhaps it is relevant: perhaps he doesn't want you to think you are attractive to men in case you find some one else.

THIS!

A couple of possible ideas to open a conversation around the subject:

1. 'I guess you must feel incredibly sure of my affections John given you've never once paid me a compliment about anything. Let's hope I never meet a smooth operator eh?'

1. 'Let me ask you something John. Do you feel the idea of paying me a compliment takes something away from you in some way? Just curious.'

If the love is clearly visible and easily felt in his actions and the way he treats you, compliments aren't really necessary. Thinking about it now, my husband never randomly says, "Oh, you're so beautiful!" and I think I'd feel strange if he did; I know he thinks I am though with the way he looks at me, treats me, talks to me.

You can’t just demand compliments because you feel you would like them, that’s actually hilarious 😂😂😂😂😂😂

That’s how I feel about it being minimal effort for him. Not like I’m asking for the moon on a stick.

i also agree with what others have said: asking for compliments is pathetic

@HebburnPokemon

I think it's normal to struggle with self-esteem sometimes: everyone can have a bit of a wobble on a bad day. But my concern from your comments here is that struggles with self-esteem are more chronic for you. Please do what you can to work on your relationship with yourself. Use therapy if that's available to you and you can find the right therapist for you. If you feel badly about yourself there'll always be a void in you that no amount of external validation or compliments will be able to fill.