Trauma Bond Help

[vantastical]

Morning - sorry for the long post.

I hope this isn’t triggering but I am desperate for advice from anyone that’s a survivor of narcissistic / domestic abuse

I have a trauma bond with my very abusive ex partner and I’ve no idea how to free myself.

I firstly had the most amazing 2 years with this man, filled with love bombing, adoration, fun, laughter, amazing sex, holidays, we were glued to each other. I fell head over heels, he was my ride or die, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, he was my soulmate. He then proposed. My life was complete.

They he started changing slowly, upset because I wouldn’t let him move in with his children (1 SN) (I’ve two young children myself and I didn’t feel it would be in there best interests, slowly does it etc, then the digs at family and friends, drinking too much, starting arguments, finding him on a dating sites, always wanting more and more of me in terms of helping with his shopping/kids/life admin, digging at my parenting. Getting mad if I wouldn’t get drunk with him (because it “chilled me” out), coercing me into sexual behaviours that I didn’t feel comfortable with (but knowing he would just cheat I did them), then the domestic violence started, the endless damage to my property. His “mental health” deteriorated that how he reasoned a lot of his behaviours.

When I couldn’t cope anymore and said so he would attempt suicide because he couldn’t live without me (obviously BS), he constantly put his life in my hands. He then attempted to kill me one night and I’ve not seen him since. He was arrested and served time in prison. This was nearly a year ago now.

I was under MARAC and I did courses that the domestic violence team put me on and read up on everything I could and was starting to feel some peace. I was enjoying work, the kids; looking after my home again.

Then he was released 3 weeks ago and I’ve gone to shit. There’s an exclusion zone from me, a restraining order, I have a panic alarm etc.

He’s on my mind all the time, I watch his silly TikTok’s, I watch his activity on dating sites, i see I his declarations of love to his ex (me but he’s not allowed to say my name) and his no one will fill her boots on insta amongst other things. I know I’m torturing myself.

I can’t stop analysing where everything went wrong, last night in the dark I was thinking if only I could have 30 mins with him, i wonder if things would get better if I helped him throw the 12 step program for his alcoholism etc.

I know these thoughts are crazy, the man is a weapon, he’s a narcissistic abuser. I’ve since spoken to ex’s who have told me of his awful behaviour with them.

So ive come to the conclusion that I’m in some sort of trauma bond with him and wondering if anyone has been in a similar position and how to get free. I feel like I’m addicted to him and I need setting free somehow.

I would be so grateful of any advice.

Have you done the freedom programme? Do you still have professionals involved? There will be free counselling available for people effected by DV . Do you think it could be because he went to prison for a bit that time has heald some of your hurt ?

Please understand you can't fix him . You really can't. Its not a one off it's not a new thing. He's been doing this sort of thing for a long time. Have you done a clairs law ?

Please what ever you do. Do not contact him or see him this could risk your children being taken . Sorry to be so blunt .

Please definitely reach out for counselling and support .

If you're not going to stop torturing yourself, please, for the sake of your children, do not allow this man into your life.

Block him in every way possible and to it today.

No good will come from any form of contact.

Yes I did Claire's Law on the advice of the DVA and he's been to prison for 4 months for an assault on a previous victim.

I wouldn't ever ever contact him because of the children. Protecting them is my priority. In a way they are protecting me as I am them.

What I've put on here is all in my head no one in real life knows this. I smile and say I'm doing ok to friends and family, everyone is very protective around me and that brings me peace. If I was to ever say these words to people I love they would go crazy because the hatred and fear around him is so raw on their part.

I'm sorry op but this isn't a trauma bond anymore imo. That would have broken after a good six months of reading up on abuse and him being gone, like you said, you felt at peace. That was it passing.

It's more of a impulsive codependency you are dealing with now.
Mixed with self preservation fears.
And a dose of obsession perhaps.
Any ocd in your history?

You cannot fix evil people. He's not broken, he's a predator being a predator.

You need to get to the bottom of why you think you are responsible for other people. Some therapy to help you work through codependency would be a good start.

You've got to the point where you have done the work to see he is rotten, even if you still struggle with that sometimes. But you've not the work to see that you are good and worthwhile. He took you from you and you need to get her back.

Block him on everything.
If possible I'd suggest moving away somewhere for a fresh start.

Therapy and cold turkey. No 'silly Tiktoks', no completely nonsensical Instagram posts which you think are about you. A hard focus on sorting yourself out.

Sounds like a really difficult situation. Have you looked at loveaddicts anonymous? It can help with co dependency etc

https://slaauk.org/

It's based on the 12 step programme and they have meetings online and in person.

That's really interesting, I will look into the codependency stuff thank you. It's so hard trying to make sense of all this,

I'm a successful 41yr in real life but this has knocked me sideways. I've been through all sorts and always been able to wipe myself down and carry on. I just need some guidance, feel like I'm doing everything right with the books, exercise, keeping busy and my rational mind knows what needs to be done.

Then I go to bed at night and then all this weakness / questioning happens

I watch his silly TikTok’s, I watch his activity on dating sites, i see I his declarations of love to his ex (me but he’s not allowed to say my name) and his no one will fill her boots on insta amongst other things

You need to stop all of this. If you can't, then delete all those apps. You will never break free of him until you do. Cold turkey is the only way. It's hard at first but gets easier every day. You know you can't be together so yes you are torturing yourself. This isn't good for you and it's not good for your DC, because while you're obsessing over him you're not fully present for them. The power lies with you to take your life back.

I really suggest you get some counselling. I would contact your local domestic abuse organisation and ask about specialised counselling or trauma based counselling.

You need to block all social media. Go completely cold turkey for 30 days as this will help break the bond.

Find something else to focus on; a sport or hobby. Put your head down and move on.

Just remind yourself of this bit.

“He tried to kill me”

That should be enough.