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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Marriage falling apart

2 replies

Kimcat1 · 05/09/2024 21:54

I already know what I need to do, so not sure why I'm posting really but here goes. Currently coming to the end of maternity leave. Had saved up what I could to help but have had to spend the savings to get by each month. Husband is sitting with a very healthy savings account and makes 3 times more than me at his job (will be more than that now as I'm going part time). We also have no physical relationship (not through my lack of trying, but I've given up as I cannot take being rejected anymore. The last time I initiated things (a very vulnerable time for me 5 months post partum, i asked him did he want to tonight, he said yes, and I had gotten ready, put makeup etc on, nervous wreck as so used to being rejected, he just sat there staring at the tv for an hour in the bedroom. I broke down in tears asking him what was wrong with me. I had to have a very frank discussion with him part way through maternity leave when i went onto statutory pay about how I wouldn't be able to put towards bills until I got paid again (he can comfortably afford to pay bills) and was told "well you knew this was coming, I don't know what you want me to do, you've always said you want to go 50/50 so we'll need to rethink holidays) when I told him how upset I was at having to basically come to him with my hand out (something that is NEVER in my nature) and how I felt alone in this maternity leave as if it was my problem, he did agree to pay household bills. Now for the last 3 months I've not had any pay as I've taken the year off (we had the financial discussion before becoming pregnant and i thought we were on the same page) and I asked him to cover daughters 1st birthday party decorations and some gifts he looked stressed and said "it's just bills that are stressing me out, but when you go back to work we'll be fine. I mean it's not just my house it's our house". I then explained that the way he is being is making me feel so distant towards him and I am very near reaching my limit and starting to rethink our relationship. He then got very angry/upset and was pointing his finger on the counter and shaking while saying "you think you're going to leave and take my daughter with you, you really think that's going to happen" "that is not happening" he kept repeating this while seeming angrier and I was trying to explain that I in no way would ever ever "take his daughter away" his eyes were really wide and he was shaking, visibility angry but I'm quite worried by his reaction and how angry he got. What do I do here?

OP posts:
RubyRosieRoyce · 05/09/2024 21:59

You have had HIS baby, and he should be doing everything he can right now to support you emotionally and financially. He is free to work without leave and earns a lot more, while you are unable to because you have just given birth to your child. This is a joint venture. If you end up going back to work and putting your child in childcare, is the expectation that you will be paying the childcare bills? Does he not see that at present you are the one doing that job and he doesn’t sound like he is pulling his weight at all. The very least he could do is make sure you have no financial worries right now and can put your full focus on looking after your baby. He sounds disgusting and not ready to be a father at all. As for rejecting you sexually this is so cruel. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. How was he before you got pregnant and before the baby came along? Did you both plan to have this child?

Mumlaplomb · 05/09/2024 22:00

I think you should let the dust settle and quietly go and see a solicitor in the background. He should be paying the bills etc from his savings to cover maternity leave.
he shouldn’t be leaving you on the beg for money. It sounds at worst abusive and at best very shitty.
He Doesn’t get to shout at you either and make you feel scared.
Tell him you will be paying a reduced sum towards bills now given he earns more if you feel brave enough. Otherwise get your ducks in a row and try and squirrel some money away in case you need it for legal fees etc.
do you have family you can talk to or who can help you? Xx

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