Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship problems...

11 replies

Betty0502 · 05/09/2024 19:36

Hi all, im new here, but I would really appreciate if someone reads this and answers so that maybe I can get an understanding of what I should do....so her goes, I've been in a relationship for over 20 years, he was my 1st love but I wasn't his, we were only teenagers when we started "messing around" nothing serious because he had not long before me broke up with a girl he'd been with for a year. However I got pregnant, and I think he felt he needed to be my boyfriend, even though I said he didn't...but he stayed and we moved in together after our baby was born, in our new apartment I found photos of his ex that he'd took from his house, when I confronted him he said its none of my business....I was timid back then so I'd of left it at that and cried, he'd told me I was the rebound girl after his ex, so I never felt like I was chosen, always felt like it's just because I got pregnant, that's why we were together, throughout the years he always accused me of cheating, even though I couldn't even go out with my Friends, all I did was work, clean house look after baby, while he didn't work, went out with friends etc. Then 7 years into our relationship I found out( not from him) he made contact with his ex on social media, when I confronted him he said it was to let her know I found out she cheated on me with a certain fella....now they broke up because he found her cheating with someone. Anyways only a couple of months ago he let slip that he cheated on her too, so as you can amagin bells went off in my head, if he cheated on her why make contact??? Nothing added up, and only a week ago he tried to compare our relationship to theirs, in the sense " well if we broke up I'd still care" big difference we have kids.....thats just one thing though in that same conversation a week ago he was talking about another woman he use to know and called her stunning ( he never called me stunning), not the 1st time he's referred to women like that,when I said this to him he just laughed, I asked him when have I ever referred to another man as handsome, off course he couldn't answer, cause I never did. I just never felt like he appreciated me for the woman I was, I never cheated, was always by his side, yet I got so much thrown at me for years, and everything I ever done seems meaningless to him. I told him something from my past years ago and he has used it as a weapon against me, and said recently if I'd of known I'd of never went near you. I feel like I've so much hate for him but can't seem to walk away, and I'm so sad in life right now....I feel like I wasted the best years of my life on him, this is just a drop in a jug of what my life has been like. I have no one I can share this with, so maybe if I hear others stories il know if this is normal in a relationship.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 05/09/2024 19:49

This isn’t normal OP, it’s time to get your ducks in a row and get out.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/09/2024 19:51

Get the hell out op. This won’t get better - you are your kids deserve better.

poppyzbrite4 · 05/09/2024 19:55

For 20 years he hasn't worked and you've worked, taken care of the children and done all the housework?

I think you're focusing on the wrong things here OP. I'm assuming your child is an adult and you have savings and own the house, since he's never worked so I would tell him to leave.

There is nothing for you in the relationship.

Betty0502 · 05/09/2024 19:56

It's hard to know what's normal when you've nothing to compare to, and it always blamed back on me, as in I make a big deal out of stuff and keep fights going. Thank you for reading and replying, at least I can start to say to myself I'm not the problem....

OP posts:
Betty0502 · 05/09/2024 20:03

poppyzbrite4 · 05/09/2024 19:55

For 20 years he hasn't worked and you've worked, taken care of the children and done all the housework?

I think you're focusing on the wrong things here OP. I'm assuming your child is an adult and you have savings and own the house, since he's never worked so I would tell him to leave.

There is nothing for you in the relationship.

Poppyzbrite4
He's worked for about 6 years, that's been generous, out of the 21 years together, but when you say that to him that's a lie,cause he's convinced himself differently, yes the kid is an adult and left the house over him, I don't own a house, so he's as much say renting as I do, and has made it clear he'll not move out. I would walk out in the morning only there is a young child also, and he'd try take him of me if I took him, I know he'd be dirty like that....

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 05/09/2024 20:07

Betty0502 · 05/09/2024 20:03

Poppyzbrite4
He's worked for about 6 years, that's been generous, out of the 21 years together, but when you say that to him that's a lie,cause he's convinced himself differently, yes the kid is an adult and left the house over him, I don't own a house, so he's as much say renting as I do, and has made it clear he'll not move out. I would walk out in the morning only there is a young child also, and he'd try take him of me if I took him, I know he'd be dirty like that....

Are you married? Is he the primary parent? Do you have savings?

Betty0502 · 05/09/2024 20:14

poppyzbrite4 · 05/09/2024 20:07

Are you married? Is he the primary parent? Do you have savings?

No not married, he don't work at minute, but I do school runs and have kid most of the time cause its on my work route and I work around that, no I've no savings, I had to keep all going for years, so never had a chance to save....

OP posts:
Betty0502 · 05/09/2024 20:18

poppyzbrite4 · 05/09/2024 20:07

Are you married? Is he the primary parent? Do you have savings?

I can't decode this part, he'll tell me he loves me and be all nice then he'll just turn on me for some reason that's in his head, but expect me to forget it when he's OK again...I mean it's hard to believe what's real anymore...

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 05/09/2024 20:27

Betty0502 · 05/09/2024 20:18

I can't decode this part, he'll tell me he loves me and be all nice then he'll just turn on me for some reason that's in his head, but expect me to forget it when he's OK again...I mean it's hard to believe what's real anymore...

OP he's not going to change. You need to get it out of your head that he's going to change. He's been like this for decades and he has no respect for you.

Start looking for somewhere else to live and see if you can borrow the money for the deposit. He won't take your child because you won't tell him you're planning to leave and you'll be taking your child with you.

Contact Gingerbread, they have a very good helpline and can give you advice on benefits etc.

Betty0502 · 05/09/2024 20:33

poppyzbrite4 · 05/09/2024 20:27

OP he's not going to change. You need to get it out of your head that he's going to change. He's been like this for decades and he has no respect for you.

Start looking for somewhere else to live and see if you can borrow the money for the deposit. He won't take your child because you won't tell him you're planning to leave and you'll be taking your child with you.

Contact Gingerbread, they have a very good helpline and can give you advice on benefits etc.

Thank you I really appreciate you contacting me back ,and I will definitely put a plan in place, at least I know it's not in my head and I'm not the problem.

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 05/09/2024 20:44

Betty0502 · 05/09/2024 20:33

Thank you I really appreciate you contacting me back ,and I will definitely put a plan in place, at least I know it's not in my head and I'm not the problem.

No problem. I recommend the Citizens Advice website for any questions you may have.

Shelter can give advice on housing, should you need it.

All the best.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread