Is it me?

[Janey49]

I’ve been in a relationship for over 10 years, live together, child together. I’m starting to get really fed up with the way my partner talks to me, he says this is just how he speaks to everyone and I’m just too sensitive, which has left me looking for reassurance that I’m not actually in the wrong.
These ‘arguments’ aren’t name calling or anything like that, it’s more so the dominance and tone of voice and the way things are said. As an example, I’m working from home today and I’m in the middle of a video meeting - the second it ends he comes in the room and says ‘you piss me off, I’ve text you asking to turn the camera off so I can grab some things’. I explain that I’m on a video call and it would be rude to look at my phone. I get the whole ‘you never said you had meetings’ and I respond ‘but you know I’m working’. I can’t really win, I’ve moved my office space 3 times because each time I get moaned at if he can’t come in the particular room whenever he wants. This is just an example, I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I get the moodiness if I haven’t cooked dinner because he hasn’t eaten all day etc. It just doesn’t feel like a partnership, it feels like I live with a moody teenager that thinks I’m his mum!
I look at other peoples relationships and wonder if mine will ever become ‘happy’

I have my phone on silent when I’m on Teams calls, and no I don’t check messages while I’m in the calls. Of course you’re going to be on calls when you WFH!!!

I didn’t know what to say about the dinner thing. If he hasn’t eaten all day, surely that’s on him? Throughout your entire relationship, has he only ever eaten meals that you’ve prepared?

Why are you allowing him to treat you like this?

I guess, I’m only just starting to realise that it’s not normal. Also very conscious of how hard it is to unravel owning a house together and everything that comes along with that. I find it really hard to articulate, but for a long long time, I’ve felt like we’re not a team and that I am the cause of the arguments. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m now wondering how long I’ll continue to allow myself to be unhappy.
He can feed himself, it just wouldn’t be a proper dinner. It’s like that’s just my job, despite working full time also.

He sounds obnoxious. I couldn't tolerate someone speaking to me like this, and I'm not 'too sensitive'. What he means is, you are in the wrong for objecting to someone who speaks to others like shit.

I'd be looking to end the relationship. He won't improve with time.

Walking on eggshells = red flag. He shouldn’t be trying to text you in meetings, he shouldn’t be expecting to access the room you’re working in and he shouldn’t pounce on you the second your meeting is over and speak so rudely. You’re not the cook, he should share that load.

Let me guess, he doesn’t clean/do washing/plan or shop for meals/take care of your child or do any of the child admin/any other mental load things?

He does clean and look after our child, but never cooks a dinner (unless it’s throwing something in the air fryer once in a blue moon).

Today, I was wondering what the rush was considering my child’s nursery doesn’t close until half 6.30pm… turns out he doesn’t know the finish times and that’s my fault too 🤣

Mental load 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sounds like you need a good talk about what's working and what's not working, how you are going to split the responsibilities, what needs to be happening about your working arrangements and how he needs to support this. I know I can sometimes use a tone of voice that's not the best, my job can be about telling others what to do assertively and sometimes it creeps in at home. I hope you can improve things.

Sounds like he's adopted the role of authoritarian rather than teaming with you as an equal. I'd certainly buck that. I'd also consider contacting the human services department of your local hospital for a referral to social and legal resources for women who are subjugated by a partner and seek to learn ways to navigate safely.

It sounds like he’s deliberately choosing to access a room while you are working to piss you off and so he can be pissed off. It is a dominance trait -as though you are only in there by his good graces and he is entitled to access whatever he wants whenever he wants.

It makes me so sad to read that the man you have chosen to be with and have a child with is treating you in this horrible way.

The decision you've got to make is whether you're going to waste your life walking on eggshells in fear of this man blowing up at you or sulking or whatever method of manipulation he intends to use on you for the rest of your life. Nobody should live the way that you are living.

It's really horrible that the man you love is trying his hardest to get so much domination over you. I think you have been far too accommodating so far, you should have put your foot down much earlier. But all is not lost, you are still a young woman and you have not yet wasted too many years of your life on a man who does not love you but seeks to dominate and control your marriage.

I was going to say sit him down and give him a good talking to, but to be honest, if it is in his nature or his habit to treat you like dirt sadly I do not think a talking to is going to work with this particular man. You can try though. Why not sitting down quietly face to face over the dining table with no interruptions? Tell him to shut up and listen and then lay it out to him assertively that you are not going to continue in this vein. Tell him exactly what you have told us and that you have no intention of spending your life walking around on eggshells in your own home. I don't think he will suddenly become a completely different person, but it is worth a try and of course such a meeting will serve as a warning to him that he is risking divorce by treating you in this horrible way.

We here on Mumsnet have seen this same story played out again and again and again and it really tends to be just a question of how many years the woman decides to put up with it, but divorce is on the cards, I am sorry to say.

Please please don't waste many more of your young years on a man who does not love you. It sounds to me like you won't really be any worse off if he's not there because you'll have one less child to put up with.

As an example, I’m working from home today and I’m in the middle of a video meeting - the second it ends he comes in the room and says ‘you piss me off, I’ve text you asking to turn the camera off so I can grab some things’.

Right, I'm sure he speaks like this to everybody. His boss, right? Fuck him, op, and what the fuck are you doing tolerating this shit?

You walk on eggshells now because you have pandered to his abuse, whinging and bullshit for so long that being his doormat and his emotional punching bag is your normal now. He has trained you to walk on eggshells around him.

This is no life at all and a horrible environment to raise a child in.