Help me stop stalking my EX.

[ML92]

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this.
The title summarises the situation well. My ex and I separated about three years ago, and we are currently going through divorce proceedings, including sorting out finances. We have a young DC with whom he has no real relationship. For context, my ex abruptly stopped communicating with me and then, a few months later, moved to another country while I remained in the family home. I later discovered that he had cheated about a year prior while visiting family where he currently resides.
My issue is that I find myself repeatedly checking his social media and WhatsApp profile picture. Despite our separation, this habit persists, and I really hate doing it. I’ve blocked him multiple times, but my curiosity often leads me to unblock him shortly after. He has been in an on and off relationship for about a year and a half. Their breakups last for 4-5 months. They're currently broken up since April. I find myself looking up his current partner on social media, even though I don’t know her.
I’m exhausted by my stupid behaviour and want to lose interest in his life. Although I’ve made significant progress in my own life, managing two jobs and caring for DC, I still do find myself thinking about him often.
I don’t have feelings for him. I don't like him as a person for obvious reasons. I don't like when he contacts and for a long time I didn't want to see him. Until recently, I've been more open about this. I believe one of my main issues might be jealousy, although I'm not entirely sure of my feelings. I find myself questioning whether he is treating his new on and off partner better than he treated me. I wonder if there’s something about her - perhaps she’s prettier or more interesting - that makes him behave differently. These questions are weighing on me, and I’m struggling with these feelings.
How can I overcome this excessive curiosity and stop checking his social media daily?

Block him again for starters and any one else connected to him you find yourself looking up. Can you use one of those parenting platforms for anything to do with your child and then you can take him off WhatsApp too? And tell a good friend you have done that so you have some accountability and perhaps less likely to give in?

Can you give yourself a reward for days you don't look - be that a pound in a jar that you can then spend on something to treat yourself or something else until you break the habit?

Finally - if you can't trust yourself not to look you may need to limit your own time on social media so not tempted.

This made me laugh out loud!
It’s SO true.

Blokes do it all the time so why not women!
It’s an uplifting thought.

Given my emotional instability and the ongoing divorce, I haven’t considered dating. It wouldn’t be fair to involve someone else in this messy situation. But, I probably should consider getting to know someone and exploring my options.

Thank you! This is practical advice that I can apply. I really like the idea of rewarding myself and treating myself at the end of the month.

Why would you want to be so obsessed with someone who treats you like and your child like shit?

You’re not stalking Prince Charming who worshiped the ground you walked on and treated you like the only woman ever to live who you are wondering how you’ll ever love again without him.

remember your self worth and the fact that there are actually good decent men out there and move on. You’re never going to heal fully or find a healthy relationship whilst doing this.

Thank you, this is so true. This constant checking is consuming a lot of my time, and he's taking up too much mental space. I really need to snap out of this and break this bad habit. I also need to work on improving my self-control.

You already know that he's on-and-off with whutsername, so it's beneficial to chalk him off as a douche to all women. That satisfies all the curiosity you need, and you can focus instead on bolstering your self worth by cultivating more and better relationships, hobbies and interests, best possible parenting, and liberate yourself with the best revenge--living your own life happily, generously, and the opposite of small.

Head high, you deserve to treat yourself better.

You can get EMDR therapy for this, OP. You're caught in a brain loop.

Thank you so much for this helpful advice. I definitely need to shift my focus to myself and my daughter.

It must be emotionally draining,

Furst port of call is distraction methods, everytime you catch yoursrlf slipping have something you can do to distract yourself, a book, a phone call to a friend/family member, go for a walk etc
Make a list of things to do, do them instead tick them off when done.

Be kind to yoursrlf.

If all else fail look up the rubberband technique, it stopped my negative behaviour.

Good luck x

If you try not to think about it, that won't work. Sit with the thought of him, recognise that you have gone there despite not wanting to, and once you've accepted that, move on with your day. Face it head on and it should lessen over time (and more quickly with therapy, if that is an option for you). Good luck - you will get there. x

Seek help
Sounds like you have anxiety and maybe low esteem
Look to the future and know you deserve better and that will help you close that chapter

Get counselling!

I agree with the others who are saying to be kinder to yourself. First step in doing that is to stop calling yourself a stalker. You are not contacting him with unwanted attention, sitting outside his flat or office, sending him unwanted gifts or letters, etc. You are looking at publicly available material out of sheer curiosity. The only person it tortures is you, and that's why it needs to stop. I remember when a partner broke up with me, presumably because they were with someone else. A friend asked me, "Why don't you go drive by his flat and see if you see [the other woman's] car?" Well, there were a thousand reasons why I wouldn't want to do that, including that I would indeed be a stalker; also, I don't know one car from another, lol. But the main reason? How would this help me?

It wouldn't. I would then imagine...what? Them inside doing the deed when they actually might well be watching TV or having an argument? All it does is let the imagination run riot. That's what simply seeing their photos and statuses are doing for you.

You're wondering, "What does she have that I don't have?" The answer is simple: She has (for now) a child-abandoning and partner-cheating booby prize and you have a chance for a do-over either to enjoy your freedom or to choose to have a relationship with an adult who is worth your time and effort.

You've simply gotten into a habit that's hard to break. Just keep reminding yourself that you have exciting things to do. Reward yourself for not looking him up. If you want to give him a look up once a year or every few years and leave it at that, fine. We are all curious about people from our past. Give your head a break and stop melting it with thoughts of them.

Sounds like trauma bond and your requiring closure however, you will never get this if he is a narcissist and if is new relationship is on off the chances are he is treating her exactly the same because narcissist never change hun. You need to try put your focus into something you've always wanted to achieve or do no matter how hard. This focuses the mind on something else positive for you, trust me it works I speak from experience, mine was back to education. It took 6 years I got a degree and became a nurse good luck x

I'd seriously consider counselling. I think the strong internal feelings are totally normal. What would have stopped me is being scared of being discovered or tracked somehow. I'd be mortified. I also don't do Social media really.

Life is tough in this situation and it's unfair. You feel totally screwed over. Counselling is a really healthy helpful way for you to process all of that.

I think you're wise to avoid another relationship tbh at this moment in time.

Ok. She’s got nothing on you. She’s not prettier or more interesting, nothing. She’s potentially getting stuck with your lying ass of an ex. You are already doing better.

just stop. Block AND unfriend - so you have the humiliation of having to re-ask if you get that desperate.

also I think it’s normal to an extent to want to know what’s up, he’s the father of your kids. He was a huge part of your life for forever. But this is a you i Issue and it sounds like you’re taking first steps trying to identify the why.

Kids are going to need to know his and his family’s health history, you may need to know if addiction or something is something you need to watch for in them. But find a healthier way to keep up to date. Get a yearly health update written into that divorce - who knows.

try new friends and hobbies and voulenteer with animals or something.

best of luck. It will get better with time.

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate your advice and well wishes.

I think a lot of your behaviour probably stems from the fact that you don’t feel good enough. That maybe you feel responsible in some way for HIS behaviour. But you’re NOT. You couldn’t have done anything to have stopped him from just upping and leaving and doing what he did and it takes a certain non-feeling, non-caring personality type to do that. This type of person doesn’t care about anyone and there won’t be an exception. There wasn’t anything you could’ve done. You couldn’t have made yourself look better, act better, be better. He just did what he did and he will do it again to the next person. There is nothing about her that is better. I know that maybe somewhere subconsciously you might be looking for things that she has that you don’t… reasons that he might have left, but all this does is create reasons why he did what he did in a way that centres you as the catalyst - lowers your self esteem and stops you from dating again because you believe you are the problem. And checking repeatedly reinforces this. I know this is all subconscious and all based on something he has done - and I can honestly really sympathise. I used to do a lot of checking when my ex left me (different circumstances, we were on really good terms and had a friendship and he promised we wouldn’t stop being friends as I was very unwell at the time and he was the only person I had. But low and behold, one day we went from essentially being best friends to him cutting me off and of course I blamed myself). The difference is that my ex was a good person just wanting to continue with his life, get in a new relationship, etc.

But your ex is not a good person. Cutting someone off when you’re in a relationship with them, cheating on them for a year, and moving away, is a HORRIBLE thing to do, especially when kids are involved. He’s shown his character.

also another thing is that the more shame you feel in your behaviour of checking, the more likely you are to do it, I imagine the same as any addictive behaviour.

Also, when social media is so readily available, it’s not really any wonder that you’re curious about what he’s up to. He was such a massive part of your life and he essentially destroyed it for a while.

im really glad that you’ve rebuilt things for yourself and that things are working out for you.

Personally, I just stopped checking when I had another man in my life. And I’m just guessing that’s because I had reassurance that I was good enough.

So whether or not that reassurance comes from another person or yourself, that’s up to you. But I think maybe that’s the best place to start? Knowing that he did what he did because it is just his personality type, and not anything wrong with you? That you are good enough and there is nothing different in other people that says otherwise?

I really hope this helps in some way x

I also think blocking him creates a cycle of blocking and then unblocking, because you are going to have to communicate with him for your child. If you think you’re going to unblock him then I wonder if it might be better to just keep him unblocked and then the temptation to unblock him won’t be there, and then it might stop that anxiety of knowing he’s blocked and that you can unblock him and check?

Whereas if he’s unblocked already, you know you can check but you can get your compulsions in check. You might find that the urge to check is less?

I know it sounds completely counterintuitive and you might find you check more at first but once you’ve done your checking, you might find it wears off if you don’t block him again (I.e., going from checking constantly to checking once a week, then once a month, then once a year). Obviously i say this very generally but to not look at his profile at all would probably be unrealistic

Thank you so much for this thoughtful and well-written response. I’m sorry to hear about what you went through with your ex, but it’s great to see that you’ve found someone and that you’re feeling good about yourself. I know I need to work on myself. You're right. Blocking only increases my curiosity, and knowing his account is inaccessible makes me want to check it even more.

I know it’s a lot easier said than done, finding it within yourself to know that you are good enough and that you didn’t do anything wrong but please know that you are worth it