Just so overwhelmed

[twirlypoo]

I don’t even know what I’m looking for with this thread, but I keep crying and I realise I am possibly not coping very well with life at the moment.

Ive had a cancer scare which I’m having surgery for next week. It’s not ‘serious’ in the sense that it should be totally fine after surgery, though I will need lifelong medication. I THINK I’m okay with it, but I’m so apprehensive about recovery from the operation as I’ll be out of action for a few weeks.

my husband said he didn’t love me last year and I discovered he had had an emotional affair. We have got over this with a fuck tonne of counselling, but I’m so scared that him having to pick up the pieces of our family life (cooking / cleaning / me not feeling or looking my best) will tip him back over into that. He’s doing everything “right” and is reassuring me, but I think me being vulnerable is making it worse for me.

our house is a mess as it is. I’m trying to take up 6 pairs of school trousers and iron 15 shirts so I have 3 weeks of uniform prepared so our son has everything ready. I’m trying to meal prep. I was meant to be going back to work in September but had to turn the job down as I couldn’t start on their needed start date because of surgery. It means we are going to be another 2-3 months without a second income, and it scares me.

like I say, I don’t know what I want or need from this thread. I’m just bloody overwhelmed and I keep crying. I haven’t washed my hair in a week as it all just feels like it’s too much.

Keep breathing.
You're going to get through this difficult time in your life, one day at a time.
Try to keep your focus on things that are. You're okay. You'll be okay. You're being taken care of. You're having this surgery, and that's a good thing.
Try to stop fixating on what if's.
You're so focussed on everything that could go wrong. You really need to take a moment, breate, and relax.

You worked really hard on your marriage. You can only control your part of the outcome. You had a marriage crisis and you worked your ass off to make it through. You should feel immensely proud of yourself for doing that. You did the best you could.

The rest is up to him, whether he wants to match your hard work. You can't let your fear of him giving up on your marriage overwhelm you like that. If he wants to leave, he doesn't need a cancer scare and a bit more housework to do it. You don't have to bend over backwards to ensure his comfort and happiness to make sure he doesn't leave you. That's ridiculous. If he can't be your partner right now and keep the house and the children looked after while you're in hospital getting surgery, why are you even with him? That sounds like the minimum requirement for a partner.
Where is your pride at the moment? Your self esteem telling you that he OWES it to you to make sure you can get through this stressful time without having to worry about income and household work? Are you giving him any expectations at all? You seem to be sacrificing yourself completely to make sure you don't lose him. Why are you so afraid of losing him? I understand love and attachment, but the world wouldn't end if he left you. Does it feel that way to you?

I think you're not done with couples counseling. Your relationship hasn't mended if it's left you with this much fear of him walking out on you. Can you start going to your therapist again?

Thank you for replying. I think I’m just spiralling to be honest. DH has done so much prep round the house, is reassuring me, has organised all the logistics of the kids while I can’t drive etc. I think my self esteem is just a bit battered (understandably?) and I’m already feeling so vulnerable that it’s shone a light on the fact I’m bloody scared of relying on him. Which is shit really!

I feel a bit like I can’t trust myself too. One moment I’m fine, the next I’m in floods of tears for no reason. I just want to crawl into bed and hide!

You may find that husband stepping up to this challenge may actually inspire him to become more invested, not less.

It's the status quo on cruise control that often bores people into deeper ho-hum complacency. The issues you faced together may have snapped him out of that, and he could very well end up impressing both you and himself in how high he raises his own bar to manage this time in your lives.

Gosh that sounds like a lot to deal with, no wonder you feel overwhelmed! I would say that’s a pretty natural response!

I agree with previous posts that you don’t need to bend over backwards to prepare and make it easier for him - he’s a parent just like you are! But I get that you may be feeling insecure in your marriage, especially when you may be feeling insecure in your body too with the health scare.

I don’t have any great advice but would encourage you to try and take it slow, play with the kids before your surgery, do something soothing to settle yourself (people often suggest baths but personally I hate them so find something that works for you). Try and google ‘compassionate soothing rhythm breath’ - there’s loads of science behind how it really calms the nervous system.
and more counselling may be useful but you gotta get through this patch now first - and you will!

When you’re going through so much, just keep going. I can promise things will get better. Try surrounding yourself with the people that make you happy.