Is a 9 year age gap a problem ?

[Positivegirl]

I met a guy we hit it off instantly really lovely person. The topic about age came up, however he thought I was older than I actually am. Turns out we got a 9 years age gap, which then made him question if it was right for him to pursue. He said he usually dates at least 1 year older than me which I said I understand we left it as that. We bumped into eachother again and he seemed gutted we had a convo and he said he feels at my age I would be wanting different things. I noticed a picture on his phone it turns out he has a child, I showed him I had a child also and that seemed to make him feel different and he asked if we should just give it a go and see how things are.

we get along extremely well totally comfortable. Do you think he was concerned about my age as he has a child and would think I would prefer to be out having fun then be with a guy with a child ?

I don’t want to get excited about this being special if it’s not.

Yes give it a go. My ex was 15 years older than me. He was an idiot otherwise I'd have moved in with him etc. The gap wasn't the issue. What ages are you? X

Not necessarily. DH is 7 years older than me.
But as you both have kids I would say don't get excited and take it slowly.

24 and 33 yes I am defo not trying to rush in to blend families or us meeting each other children. Would wait until near a year to fully know him.

I mean excited as in focus on only getting to know him and keep myself open to other dates. I’ve never dated with this gap so am basically asking if this has worked for others or if the age was a problem

It totally depends on your ages and what you want out of a relationship. A 9 year age gap at 18 and 27 is going to feel much bigger than a 9 year age gap at 41 and 50 for example.

But it depends on what you both want out of a relationship, a 31 year old woman might want a child/more children, where a 40 year old man might be done having children. Or a 25 year old woman might be thinking of marriage, and a 34 year old man may have been married, got divorced and doesn’t want to go back there. A 25 year old may want someone to buy a house with, a 34 year old may already have their own mortgage and not want to combine finances.

Different interests as well and different ideas of fun, local pub vs big night out in bars/clubs, but that could be the case no matter the age.

Ultimately I think it depends on the people, what both people want out of the relationship and general compatibility.

There can be a huge difference in mindset, lifestyle etc between a 24 and 33 year old, so can see why he's hesitant.

As you're both parents anyway, presumably you'll be taking this slowly and cautiously, so have time to work out if you're a good fit.

My husband and I have an 11 year age gap. The gap feel less the older we get and honestly we don't notice it at all. We first got together when I was 25 and he was 36, he really hated our age gap in the beginning and in fact stalled things for a bit whilst he got around the idea. However we were both so similar, wanting the same things work and family wise and got on so well that in the end our ages didn't really matter. Now married with a child and a second on the way. Sometimes age really is just a number

Yes I defo understand about different mindset. For me now that I am a mother I have a career and I’m looking to get mortgage I find it hard to relate to guys closer to my age. Even so I dated a 27 year old man (Without child) for a bit and all he wanted to talk about was the best club and didn’t understand I couldn’t spontaneously meet during the week

Rather than think about what it'll be like now, try and think about the future. What will your lives be like in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years.

Do you want to still be working 10 years after he's retired. Do you want to be caring for him in old age because you're the "young one".

Men seem to slow down a lot younger than women from my experience. Is that what you want for your future?

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots i think that’s a gamble with anything. My parents are only 2 years age gap. But unfortunately she became his carer when he fell sick in his late 30s early 40s. She has been looking after him since.

But defo something to consider it’s new to me dating older. But I like the stability and certainty. It’s closer to my life than a guy closer to my age who’s probably still in retail and living like a student

If I thought I could be happy with someone for 20+ years, I wouldn't be worrying about what happened after that. No one can possibly see that far ahead, you can't possibly know what either of them will be like (also your assumption about men v women ageing is not my experience at all) or whether they will be healthy that far ahead.

You're right of course. My DP's parents had a similar age gap, with her Monther being the younger, and she died of cancer at 55 whereas he's still going strong 20 years later.

But when gambling, the best thing to do is to stack the odds in your favour as much as possible.

Like you, I had a child at 24. I could easily see myself in a relationship with a 33 year old at that age. But as a 33 year old, I couldn't imagine myself if a relationship with someone that much younger, even someone who's had to grow up fast has had much less life experience at 33 compared to 24.

I'm now 42, and I think that goes away for a while. I think while the younger is over 30 and the elder under 60, that 10 year gap doesn't mean all that much.

But when older age starts hitting, that gap is going to start seeming immense again.

I got together with DH when I was 22 and he was 31. We have never considered the age gap an issue and are now 48 and 57. Obviously he will likely retire and die before me (statistically speaking) so I could be in for being widowed earlier than usual but you never know what will happen anyway.

Are you telling me you can't find a single dad under 30?
I think he is a creep to be hitting on a 24 year old, whether she is a single mum or not. OK, maybe you are more mature than childfree 24 year old women due to your motherhood but you aren't as mature as the average 33 year old dad either.
Of course he is gutted, he wants to have sex with you. He will be equally gutted about not having a chance to shag any other woman he fancies.
I'm very skeptical in case you can't tell because I think he is an entitled guy doing the typical thing with fake 'is the age gap ok' to seem half decent. Even 25 is too young for him.

My dad is 9 years older than my mum and while their marriage isn't perfect I don't believe it's got anything to do with their age gap. As long as both people in a relationship are consenting adults I don't see an issue. If you stay together the age gap won't seem as big as you both get older.

See because you conveniently didn't upfront say you're 24 and he is 33 just asked a generic is 9 years gap too big now all the replies who typically skim read the op if at all will be telling you it's fine. Good luck to you, the hardest thing of being a single mum has happened to you, if it doesnt work out with this guy it won't be as difficult. Just make sure your contraception is watertight.

@free79If you read what I said, he thought I was older until I told him my age. plus he hasn’t been sexual or initiated intimacy and I won’t be either until I feel he’s the right person 😁

20 year gap here and married 30 years.

Nine years between DM (19) and DF (28ish). Married four years later.

DM sadly died in her mid sixties. DF just told me he doesn’t like the great age he is but doesn’t want to die (too busy with this and that) just yet, either.

I'd say it's not a huge gap. If you've plenty in common it could easily work. I've dated quite a few men 10 years older. Some nice, some shite. But the age difference was never really noticeable at all. I think it would be stranger for me to date someone ten years younger. I haven't done so but I have my suspicions it might not work out so well. Could be wrong though. As I'm not looking. My DH is same age as me. But that's actually quite rare I think.

7 year age gap here. Met when I was 28 and he was 35.
It depends on your own level of maturity, and his. In my case, the age gap is perfect. Because when my DH was 28, he was still acting like a teenager. It took him a long time to mature. By the time I met him, he was a fully functioning adult, ready to settle down and be responsible, which is exactly what I was looking for. Would not have dated the younger version of him.

I don't think 9 years is that big of a deal. I know quite a few couples with 10-11 age gaps and they have been happily married for years. All now in their 40s/50s. I think personalities/energy levels make more of a difference. Out of the couples that I know the older person is higher energy level than the younger one and so they always seem around the same age. Also the couples have a lot in common so even as they age they can still share in the same interests/activities.

Ten years between my husband and I. Very happily married.
I've started to think about the future will look like as one of my parents is a carer to the other now with an age gap, but it's just a niggle for now

Same here. DH is very frail but would rather be looking after him at 61 than 81, which could have been the case with someone in my age bracket.

I don’t think this is a particularly large age gap by any means. Age gap relationships work well if both parties are on the same page. I think it falls apart when one wants something the other isn’t ready for e.g marriage and kids. Sometimes one can be more emotionally mature than the other and that can affect things too.