Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is my relationship/life is not making me happy (when on paper it should be?)

6 replies

LondonParisNYSlough · 05/09/2024 09:29

Well now I;ve written that title maybe actually on paper it isn't but I need some persepctive.
DH and I met in our 20s he was my first and only ever boyfriend. We were both climbing the career ladder. But we split up after 2 years together because he felt I was too young and he wanted to party (although ended up going out with an older woman and trying IVF with her?!).
I didn't really forget him and five years later he got back in touch. We started going out together but this time everything was down to me - he had alchol and drug problems which had developed from the relationship.
Anyway that is all old so why do I bring it up. He's managed to kick his additions and is even on a jab to lose weight.
He's worked in some great jobs and we bought house and more importantly have two lovely DDs. One 16 the other 12. BUT two years ago.. he gave up his job to do a pet project, which will last three years and may or may not make money - it will finish in the next year. We do have income from a rented property but it doesn't cover all our expenses
Why am I going on about money - well becasue I worry about money. Since he gave up his job I've got more and more in debt - having had no debt at all two and half years ago. My job simply doesn't pay enough. I wanted us to cut our cloth etc but DH wants to go on nice holidays and if I don't agree he has just booked things anyway. I'm so worried about money and another thing. We haven't had sex for two years. He has put on weight but now looking back I realise our sex drives were never quite the same. In our early relationship - and I lost my virginity to him - I remember going to bed early and he would stya up wathcing TV or playing computer games. When we got back together it was good for about a year but since then not so much. I really just want a husband that gives me cuddles and I can have some physical relationship with. I still have a lot of that kind of energy, I also really want to work on project but its creative and I don;'t have the mental space for it because I need to pay off the credit cards and sort things out. My DH does do DIY and he's not lazy with housework. In many ways we are compatible.
Why am I so unhappy - it's only money.? What can I do to get happy again. I love my daughters and I feel compassion and a kind of love for my husband. I don't want to get divorced as I'm Catholic- my parents got divorced and it almost destroyed me as a child (I was 7 and my DM had an affair with the man that became my stepdad).
I'm not able to work for worrying about everything.

OP posts:
Catoo · 05/09/2024 10:01

What do you mean by ‘I am more and more in debt’? Shouldn’t that read ‘we’? Is the debt all in your name?

Keep your wage out of his reach if he keeps overspending. If it goes into a joint account change that. Put it in your own. Only put utilities/bill money into joint account if that’s where DD come from. Tell him the rental money must go on paying debts off for a while before you book any holidays.

Have all your financials on a spreadsheet to show him how bad it is. Tell him if he doesn’t follow your plan to be debt free then you will reconsider the relationship.

Sounds like your parents handled their divorce badly. You won’t do the same so it would not be the same for your DC. You don’t have to be trapped by a belief system.

Anonym00se · 05/09/2024 10:04

It’s not ‘just’ money. He’s riding roughshod over you and you feel that you’re lacking control. It’s completely understandable.

Strugglingtothinkofausername · 05/09/2024 10:09

The alcohol and drug problems and saying he’s not ready for kids then turning around to try IVF with someone suggests he has some deep rooted issues. I appreciate that’s the past but it may still be relevant and it seems now his recklessness, impulsiveness and desire to take certain risks is now manifesting in his current financial irresponsibility.

Do you work full-time ? Have you worked for most of your marriage?

I’m just trying to get an idea of why he thought he can make a unilateral decision to leave his job, work on this “pet project” and let you shoulder the burden of finances.

Surely that’s a decision that had to be discussed? Even if you did agree to it initially, isn’t it about time you said it’s not working and he needs to get back to work ?

MonsteraMama · 05/09/2024 10:14

Er, I'm genuinely not sure how "on paper" this relationship should be making you happy. It sounds bloody miserable on paper.

You're in debt because of him, you don't have sex, you have no headspace to do the things you want to do because you're too busy carrying yourself and him.

This isn't a good relationship in person or on paper.

Ardrahan · 05/09/2024 10:17

MonsteraMama · 05/09/2024 10:14

Er, I'm genuinely not sure how "on paper" this relationship should be making you happy. It sounds bloody miserable on paper.

You're in debt because of him, you don't have sex, you have no headspace to do the things you want to do because you're too busy carrying yourself and him.

This isn't a good relationship in person or on paper.

Yes, absolutely this. It sounds godawful, OP. Why would you imagine being in a bad relationship and dealing with money worries because of your DH’s poor choices is in anyway ‘perfect on paper’? Or even just about acceptable.

Biggaybear · 05/09/2024 10:32

Sell the rental property & pay off your debts.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page