Financial abuse? Am I overreacting? How do I navigate this calmly

[Karou]

TL DR
Am I being unfair to refuse to show X receipts when asking him to cover costs relating to his son?
How do I address the subject of child support with him? Do I have to justify everything I spend money on relating to our son and show receipts?

A little history might help as I may be being over sensitive.
Divorced X 4 years ago, throughout 14 year marriage he was controlling about money, we had a joint credit card, not bank account, but if I spent any money on it he would demand to know why we needed this, that and the other. I only ever used it for grocery shopping but got so fed up with justifying my spending that I just left that job to him. The house was in my name for various reasons so he didn’t pay the mortgage or any of the bills and, after he took over all the grocery shopping, refused to contribute to the bills.
In the divorce I got half the house, he took everything in the house that he had paid for, apparently that made it his. For 3.5 years we shared custody of our son 50/50 so no deal on child support.
X is now retired but has a pension.
6 months ago DS, age 14, has decided that he wants to live with me, see his dad every other weekend. His dad has made no offer of child support. He has paid half of things like school trips. He has said that he will contribute to costs if I ask him. Last night I sent a text to him asking him to transfer £120 to me to cover extra expenses related to DS going back to school (uniform, train ticket etc). He texted back demanding to see the receipts. I refused, mainly because I have been accumulating this stuff over the past few weeks as part of grocery shopping and don’t want him going through my receipts, but also because I have a gut reaction that his request is utterly unreasonable. He honestly seems to think that he has made a perfectly reasonable request. I listed off what each item cost and he has said that he will transfer the money this once but he expects receipts in the future. I did lose my temper and accuse him of financial abuse at which he tried to turn the table and say it’s me being abusive. I shouldn’t have done the last bit, my bad.

Have you considered going through CMS?

You should be getting regular maintenance through CMS if you have to, but I have no idea how that works with pensions.

I used to get a small amount of maintenance and ask the ex for money on top and never had a problem with showing him receipts. He never asked but it just seems like ten right thing to do for random expenses and it’s no bother just to take a picture of a receipt or invoice and text it across.

As much as I'd be loath to, given his previous behaviour, in this instance because you're asking for money for specific items I would show him receipts. I would also be going down the CMS route.
You can just photography the relevant bit on your shopping receipt and blank out that isn't his business!

Its a pain but I'm petty so I'd be purchasing everything for DS separately - so at the till, run your stuff thru, pay for it, then what DS has on a separate transaction.

I think you should have a conversation about regular child support, and this would be better than piecemeal contributions. This is far more reasonable for both sides and allows both sides to budget and manage their money knowing exactly what their outgoings/incomings are.

However, if you're choosing to go down the 50/50 per item route, then of course you should provide him with receipts. I can't understand why you think that's unreasonable? How else can he know what things cost? I would also say that if it's on a per item basis that you need to discuss what items and roughly what cost and get his agreement before making purchases.

I think the way he behaved during your marriage is colouring how you see this now, and understandably so! The way he behaved during marriage with finances was absolute wrong and unfair, but as you are now separated he’s not being massively unreasonable to want receipts for things that have been paid for so he can then transfer half- a lot of separated couples do this.

As an aside though put in a CMS claim, if you are going to have your son living with you full time, other than every other weekend, then child maintenance will be payable and you can put in a claim.

It’s not financial abuse op, you’re not even together. I think maybe you don’t understand what financial abuse is, you can google it and read up.

on what he’s doing I think it’s fine to provide receipts if asking for money for specific expenditure, I am really not sure I align with your reason for saying no.

id advise you go through cms though.

Thanks for the perspective. I was triggered by past experiences with him and this is the first time I have put my foot down and asked him to fork out half of costs like this.
I haven’t had a great experience with CMS in the past (older DS has a different dad) maybe it has improved in the last 15 years?

I think a good way to think about it would be what would you do if the roles were reversed.

If he went out and bought DS's uniform and expected you to pay half, would you blindly pay whatever he'd asked for, or would you want to see receipts?

I'd obllige him by making a spreadsheet, logging everything you've paid for your son as well as include screenshots of the items (not the whole receipt) you bought for your son. Also include all transactions from your ex to keep a log of exactly what he did and did not pay for.

Give him read-only access to the spreadsheet and refer him to it any time he has questions.

Bet he'll get sick off it pretty soon, especially when it becomes glaringly obvious just how little he has contributed, in black and white.

Or go through CMS.

I'd send the the gas bill, electric bill and CT bill too and ask for his share towards housing his child.

Honestly, I don't think it's wrong of him to want to see receipts but I understand your need for privacy. Just put stuff for your son through the check out separately?

That’s what cms is for.

I’m not sure what happened before, but yes it’s fine,

Just go through CMS as everyone says. It may not be much but it's regular.

Yanbu to be wary. If you were 50/50 then parents would show receipts and ask other parent for 50%.

If ex is the argumentative type, he will use receipts as a way to piss you off. “ You bought a pack of 3 shirts for £28 from M&S when the same item is £20 at Asda. I’m paying £10 towards school shirts etc. “ The £150 he owes could be quickly decreased to £80. Age 14ish is when my son was growing the most plus he was fussy about the fit of his uniform so it was more complicated than buying the cheapest items.

Someone asked about the other way round but presumably OP normally does the uniform shopping so knows how much things cost so a request for £150 would sound right.

I get money from ex and don’t show receipts. If he takes the kids on holiday then he’d send me extra for their clothes because he doesn’t like shopping and he knows that teens can be fussy so there could be several packages sent back until they find what they like.

I do think it's reasonable to show receipts when you're asking for money for something specific.
But otherwise I agree with others, pursue proper payments through CMS. He sounds like a complete @ rse. No wonder your son has chosen to live with you!

I think that you need to check with how CMS deals with pension income before contacting them because I’m not sure that they would treat it like a salary.

First I would download a co parenting app, there are some which have a finances facility you might find useful.

Second, I would calculate everything regarding your son's needs: rent/mortgage payments, utilities, WIFI, phone, food, toiletries, clothes, activities, uniform etc

I would send him copies of the bills which are mostly online and receipts and ask for a share. I doubt he'd pay a lump sum as he's obviously very petty and controlling but he may stump up with receipts.

Past experience was with the CSA not CMS. I’ll check this route out but I am leaning towards the spread sheet and receipts for every single cost idea. It’s a bit more phaff but gives me control for a change and essentially it’s what he has asked for.
@SonicTheHodgeheg i think that this is exactly why he wants to see the receipts, he can then query why I bought from M&S no Aldi and why I got Clark’s shoes for twice the price as I could have paid in Tesco. I don’t need to justify why I have bought stuff out AuDHD teen will wear without a fuss, by he will try to make it into a long tirade about my fiscal irresponsibility.

I think it’s a tough one OP because I know you mention you think he’ll then question why Clarks instead of Primark or M&S instead of Aldi for example, but actually if you are going to split the costs 50/50 then you both need to be in agreement about what the cost is going to be. So that might mean conversations and compromise about where things are bought from, agreeing a budget for things together etc.

And you sort of do need to justify a price if you want him to pay half of that price, you need to come to an agreement about whether £50 for shoes is okay or whether £25 for shoes would be okay for example. When you are the one paying for things then yes absolutely you don’t need to justify it, buy what you want, but if you want him to pay half of those prices then you do need to justify or agree a price limit that works for both of you.

He was free to do exactly the same shopping last week when DS was with him. He chose to leave it to me so I don’t really see why I have to justify the spend. I can see the point about the receipts.

You have to justify the spend if you want him to pay half of it, just like if he did the shopping he would have to in order for you to pay half of it. You need to have an agreed budget for things really.

This is where CMS is much simpler because then you just get £X a month and you can then spend that however you want to, no justification.

You have to justify the spend if you are expecting to spend his money.

If you are paying yourself in full then you can spend what you like. But if you are expecting it to be jointly paid for, then the budget needs to be jointly agreed. You can't decide how much it is reasonable that he spends without discussion.

This is why CMS would be better, because that way you know in advance what his contribution is and you can decide alone how much of that you want to spend (as you won't be asking him for a further contribution) and he knows in advance how much he is paying out each month (and doesn't have any right to ask you for a breakdown of what you have spent it on).

But if you are split costs item by item, then he has as much say in what is spent as you do, and you need to get both his agreement and provide him with receipts.