He broke up with me

[Prittle]

We have been together for two years and have had issues for a while, mainly around future plans and what we want / where we want to live in the future. The first 18 months were great then holes started to appear. We are both in our early 30s

I moved job last year and resultantly I moved away from my area to live at dp’s. As much as I love his home, it’s a little too small for two people and I struggle to work there together during the day. It’s also further out than I would like from friends and family. It’s about 30 mins from where I used to live but adds an hour and a half to the distance I am from friends and family.

we had an agreement that I would find somewhere for us both to move into once I was settled in a job. I could afford house sharing and intended to get somewhere big enough for both of us. I would then try and buy somewhere for both of us, and ultimately we would both look to buy somewhere. He’s not able to rent out his place so his hands are a bit tied.

last night things came to a head and he mentioned he didn’t want to houseshare. We have been talking on and off for a while about breaking up (I am leaning more to it but he has always said he’s not keen) and last night he basically broke up with me over our issues. He said I never asked him questions, I was difficult to live with and that I had silly ideas about the future (these being that I am open to living abroad and do tend to run these ideas by him now and then; he’s less keen). He also said he was questioning his love for me and that im reslly ungrateful for not wanting to live in his flat.

it was really a tirade and I asked him several times if he was sure he wanted to break up and he said yes. I was crying and said that I agreed but that I wanted to keep things civil and be friends. I hugged him goodnight but we slept in separate beds.

This morning he is full of love and how he doesn’t want to lose me / will make us a nice dinner. What?! He broke up with me. I don’t know what to do but don’t know where I stand and don’t want to be together. It’s really messing with my head and I feel really guilty. If I’m so awful why does he still want to be with me.

18 months to 2 years is about the right timeframe for cracks to start to show in a relationship - the honeymoon phase is wearing off.

Some relationships become stronger after this time and some, like yours by the sounds of things, come to a natural end as both people realise they want different things or their lives have moved in different directions.

He broke up with you.
He really shouldn't get to just walk away from that the next morning and act as if that never happened. He can't take that back. You are now actually to be considered no longer a couple. He has caused irreparable damage.

Don't let him mess with your head. His actions have consequences.
How soon can you move out?
How soon can you establish a situation where you're temporarily living together, but not as a couple. Keep sleeping in separate beds. No more hugs, kisses, not being each others emotional support. Start communicating about the future and how you can best dissolve your lives.

Thank you!! Yes that’s how I feel. I don’t want to be in this relationship any more and he clearly also doesn’t on some level given what was said. I knew this was going to happen and wanted it myself, but gave him multiple opportunities to take it back yesterday.

ive got somewhere to go and will need to start packing up. It was disconcerting this morning because he was all over me affection-wise even though we are in separate beds and I just don’t feel anything anymore

I feel awful and like he wants me to give him a second chance but I don’t think that should happen. I just feel so guilty. Like I drove him to this almost. This is what I wanted ultimately but it’s obviously so painful. I was hoping it would be on better terms though. It really hurt when he told me how awful I was and I don’t think it needed to get this bad.

his argument will probably be that he didn’t mean it and was tired and we should try again. He’ll think I’m being petty or malicious for not agreeing.

It was good until you started living together and then over time things started to fall apart between you. Even without last night debacle, your relationship was failing. With this latest behaviour I think you’re right to call it a day.

You're not awful and you clearly care about, or even love each other, but your goals aren't aligned.

Sadly, loving someone alone isn't enough. You need to share the same vision for the future - that's why finding the right person is so difficult.

No one needs a character assassination to end a relationship. This is over.