Married my husband 6 years ago- the red flags were there whilst organising the wedding- mainly him and his poor work ethic, and his family coming first and my wishes being ignored.
anyway- I blindly ignored this, stupidly felt I had worked so hard and used all my money to pay for this- it will get better!
Lived with his family for 18 months until I couldn’t take it no more- his laziness and their constant demands on him and his time, and then turning a blind eye to his bad behaviour and poor work ethic etc, I let him decide we were moving to the countryside. I was aiming another borough but then I went along with his dream and it worked out well. Then found out I was pregnant with our 1st child once the exchange was complete. This is where things went downhill. I obviously changed drastically- grew up, worked my arse off, saved every penny and got our house renovated asap before baby’s arrival. He on the other hand, continued to lend the little money he did earn to his family (who were constantly off on holidays), worked even less, didn’t buy a single thing for the baby’s arrival, ruined renovations and caused more work and cost as would have to be repaired etc. Fighting with me constantly and just generally should no support to me throughout my pregnancy. I felt he ruined the experience for me, but whenever I would try and bits h the subject and talk, he would just shout over me- this is how he communicates, he shouts. When baby arrived, he wanted his whole extended family to stay in our new clean house, apparently I was a cow for saying no. They then all turned up at the hospital, they stayed nearby and visited my house everyday once I was discharged home- I struggled to establish breastfeeding and blame them for this. They expected to be waited on hand and foot, which my husband did, yet I was not offered a cup of tea once, even by my husband. He threatened divorce and to take custody of our newborn as punishment t to me for complaining I needed time to recover, needed some time to bond with baby etc. I had to go back to work to top up my savings from around 3 months, as he hasn’t saved anything and had no job and basically took no responsibility. Cut a long story short- I’m still resentful for this period and he dismisses it all as me being hormonal. We are still together, have nearly split up a few times- we cannot communicate- he just shouts and turns nasty and refuses to listen to me or my views because they are not the same as his. Sometimes he can calm down after a few days, enough to pretend he will listen and take on board etc but nothing changes.
This year, January it came to a head. I was sick of the way he spoke to our son, he couldn’t see any wrong doing as he and his family always shout at each other and call me sensitive- which I am not- I can stand up for myself when needed- I just know that there are better ways to get your point across other than shouting at someone. Financially he is a mess too- awful with money, owes everyone money, no credit score etc but refuses to take responsibility. I decided I had enough, things were never going to improve, he can’t and won’t change his ways and why am I settling for unhappiness when I can be unhappy alone but be richer and have a tidier house and not have to pick up the pieces from him all the time. I plucked up the courage and emailed him ( decided this was better than trying to talk as he would just shout at me).
He accepted everything I said and agreed- said he would find a place and move out if that’s what I thought was best. I felt pure relief when I saw this reply! It was like a massive weight had lifted off me and I just admit, I was slightly excited to not have him around me, albeit it slightly sad for the end of an era.
The next 10 days we are amicable to each other at home, he is looking for and applying for jobs- apparently looking for a flat etc, and then I take a pregnancy test as i had sore breasts- it was positive.
i was happy, as I was told I had started early menopause 2 years previously and had struggled to get pregnant with my son, but ultimately this didn’t change the way I felt about my marriage. I still wanted out.
I don’t know how I’ve got here, he managed to convince me to let him stay, try harder, communicate, go on date nights etc.
none of that has happened. I have tried- I tried for the benefit of my kids- one last time. I could just continue, I’m good at faking got and getting along with people if I have to. But why should I? Tonight, as I lay in bed sewing the name tags on my boys new uniform, that I paid for, he decided now is a good time to come and tell me I’m controlling, that he isn’t allowed an opinion, that I don’t do what he says etc. I was angry, deep down I wanted to just fold and cry, as last month, he again didn’t pay none of our bills as promised, so I had to. I had to buy all the last baby bits, I bought all our boys new uniform and his bday presents for his bday next week. My husband decided to go on a holiday with his family so borrowed money for that, he also convinced his brother to finance a car that we dont need and can’t afford! The only thing I control is paying for the bills and not trusting him to be reliable, as he has let me down again and again and I will not let him ruin mine and my sons home and lives.
He keeps telling me I’m hormonal, he shouts at me or belittles my opinions and then walks off saying he doesn’t want to fight- after being horrible to me. I am so done with this crap. If I didn’t have children- he would have been chucked before moving into this house purely for his lack of work ethic and ease watching his heavily pregnant wife work 2 jobs up until 39 weeks pregnant! He has always tried to guilt me about our son having a broken bone, or that he will get full custody as I had post natal depression. He is so nasty to me and cutting sometimes, yet I will never stoop as low as him. I deserve so much better than this!! I’d rather be alone than have him yet he just won’t leave! My family are against divorce and keep telling me to keep trying, or wait til the kids have grown up. I can’t tell them everything either, as I know they will be ashamed at me for allowing him to treat me this way. I want him to go and said to him tonight after walking out to calm down- I said I’m done and am sick of being treated this way. The dog gets better treatment than me- to which he replied that I’m just a crazy hormonal woman and I must be jealous of the dog! He will just ignore me now for the next couple of days, try stay out of my way and make a horrible
atmosphere in the house. I can’t leave as have no where else to go, plus it’s my home! I need some stability for my son too as he’s just started school and I’m about to be induced in 1 week too. What do I do? Is it me? What am I doing wrong- how and why have I ended up in this situation. I feel like I’ve ruined my life and my sons, and now I’m about to bring another child into this mess too!