Ex won't give me photo from day our son was born

[wreckingmybread]

My ex-husband was a very cruel, vindictive man (only after I got pregnant as it sadly seems to go for many) and walked out on us shortly after my son's first birthday. Since then he has been nothing but nasty and has made life as difficult for me (and by extension his very young son) as he possibly could. I've had a couple of threads on it before (I think I NCed for one though) so there's no point in going into it all now but just some background.

The issue I'm having now is that there's only one photo from the day my son was born. I had a very traumatic birth and it was during lockdown so my ex wasn't back in the ward with me afterwards, and I was too dazed/shellshocked to be taking selfies at that point in time! It's the first ever picture of myself and my son and I love it. I'm cradling him in the delivery room wearing a pjs and a robe and with a covid mask on. I weirdly think that makes me like it more as it dates it so perfectly. My ex took it on his phone and I always loved it, but never thought to send it to myself as obv there was a lot going on with the baby and everything that transpired after the fact.

Anyway it was my son's fourth birthday recently and I asked him if he could please send it to me as I was making a little photo gift for my son and it would really mean a lot to me. I knew it was a long shot as he seems to enjoy any ounce of control he can exert/suffering he can inflict even now. He just said something to the effect of 'No I don't remember that pic but sounds like something I would have deleted anyway'. He definitely does remember that pic, we'd looked at it together quite a few times after he was born, and I really doubt he would have deleted (not so much for sentimental reasons, he's just not someone who'd go about clearing out his camera roll).

I know I need to get over it but I'm really struggling to. My son and I have been through so much just the two of us and that photo was so special to me.

Since then I've literally been losing sleep veering between feeling upset and outraged and powerless again by my ex's cruel actions, and being so furious at myself for not thinking to send it to myself when we were together - but then again I didn't know the end was coming when it did.

Can anyone offer any words of wisdom as to how to move past this or try convince myself it's not as truly important as it feels to me right now? I really wish I wasn't as upset as I am, and I know it'll sound silly to many that I'm feeling this way, but I could really use some advice.

I'd write back saying, could you double check your camera roll for [the date of your child's birth] and see if you still have it as I think [son's name] would like to see himself as a newborn baby.

You have nothing to lose by asking. It's very unlikely that he would have deleted this or not sent it to his family/friends. If he did delete it, then he is truly deranged.

I waited 5 years for the family photos from my ex. I asked a few times. Got ignored. Then eventually when he wanted something from me I felt strong enough to say ok but only in return for the photos. He sent them straight over. Nasty shit bags that they are! Hopefully you too will have some bargaining power/leverage at some point

I had similar - I have none from the c section first cuddles of my dt’s. He did send the photos from the hours afterwards but I’ve been cropped out of them (not sure how he’ll explain that one to the kids if they see them!) which made me really sad as they are mine and my twins precious moments. I just focus on the ones I do have and hope he’s just done it out of spite, has the full ones and will give them to the twins one day and I will get them that way.

@wreckingmybread So sorry your ex is clearly tormenting you. It’s cruel and tugs on your nerves and heartstrings. My ex husband wouldn’t give back a laptop despite being court ordered to do so. He said it broke (I know it didn’t). All my kids baby photos and family pictures were on it. It had a big external hard drive that I used as a copy as well.

it drove my mad, veering between upset and angry. I let it go, I just couldn’t tear myself apart over it and it felt like part of my previous life burned down. I grieved and now I have adjusted. I don’t mind not having baby photos of my kids - I remember them anyway. In a few decades I will be gone and after my grandchildren die few things would remain anyway. It’s the way of the world without sounding cynical. Do yourself a favour and stop being triggered by your ex. It will stop hurting and your perspective will I’ll change for the better.

Would any of his family have it that you could ask? If its the first photo he probably sent it to his mother

Have you thought about commissioning an artist or illustrator to do a drawing of it? There are many who can work from a photo...* maybe not as many who can work without* the photo but worth investigating? You would obviously have to describe with as much detail as possible and it may take a few drafts and some patience from the artist but if I had the skills and I understood how important this missing photo was I would certainly try! I know it wouldn't be quite the same as the real thing but in some ways even more special, a commissioned artwork to capture your life changing moment.

Did you ask him to send it on to any of your friends and family? Would they still have it? Do you ever go and see his family with DC? Could ask if they have it.

If not, I like the idea of waiting until the day he needs something from you and you can ask again.

It’s the control he still has that is hurting you here OP. Because in the scheme of life and all the amazing things you will do for you son, this photo won’t make a difference. Enjoy every day with DC. Make fab memories and pics. I expect one day he may show the pic to DC. Especially if he thinks you would have liked to be the one to do it. And especially if DC asks him why he deleted his first baby photo.

As per PP, commissioning an artist to recreate it from sittings and the pictures you do have could be fun! If you told him you were going to do that, do you think he might try to spoil it by ‘finding’ it? Reverse psychology is a good tactic. ‘Hey you know that photo you deleted. Well I’m getting an artist to recreate it! I will have to sit in my PJs for him for an hour or two holding a doll! What a laugh! Bit embarrassing me not looking my best but he’s really keen to do it! I’ll send you a photo when it’s done. Maybe you can compare it to the real one if you can trace a copy!
He'll want to put a stop to those fun sittings!

Well done on leaving the controlling arsehole when you did.

💐

Hi all

Apologies it's taken me so long to update. Just wanted to say thank you so much for taking the time to respond so kindly on this - really helped calm me down about it and stop going in circles (I've read back some replies a few times since!)

@huuskymam@Catoo No, his family have not contacted me once since the day he walked out (three years ago now) so I couldn't ask any of them, and I hadn't sent it to any of my own family/friends as it felt like such an intimate pic I was keen at the time to keep it just for the three of us.

@And100 I sincerely don't think he did delete it so asking again won't solve the problem, if anything I think he'll just enjoy knowing that it's bothered me that much.

@Wish44 I'm so happy for you that you finally got yours back! 'Nasty shit bags' is right though.

@Justtobeclear @Coldfinch Both of your stories are heartbreaking. And you're so right that they've done it out of spite, what horrible little men. I'm impressed you've both been able to keep your head held high (and feel even pettier for being bothered about mine!)

Onwards and upwards...