Emotional cheating

[LadyS1]

I dont even know if the above is the right phrase. I have just found out my husband of over 20 years has been regularly texting and calling his exgirlfriend for many years. I asked him before I found out this time to stop texting her as communication was way too regular - it just didn't feel comfortable. His ex girlfriend had wanted to get back with him just before we got married. She is now married with children. I am distraught as all this has been going on behind my back for years. I asked a few times are you sure you are not back in touch with her and he would always say no. He finally admitted there were two texts in 2022, when I asked to check there was loads of messages and calls spanning back aeveral years. He swears he has never met her and he didn't know I would be so upset. He says she is only a friend. He wants to make it work with me and will not contact her again . I feel she has been a third wheel in our relationship from the start. I don't know what to do - it is the constant lying that I cannot now find a,way in which I can trust him. I just feel crap all the time and don't know what to do.

That must be heart wrenching OP. What was the content of the messages? Were they platonic? Or did they cross the line? That doesn't help with the trust issue in that he's lied about messaging her, but the intent behind the messages would be different.
Can you ask for some space whilst you process all of this?

Thank you so much for your reply Humanswarm. I read the messages and they did seem platonic. But now I question whether he deleted any, whether they met up etc. It's just such a huge lie. He knows how upset I was last time it happened, and this time he said she was going through a really hard time and felt sorry for her. He had told her the time before that I had asked for him to not have any contact with her, and she still texted. It's not totally her fault I know, although I am angry- why would you do that to another women. I am more angry and so hurt my husband would text her for years and say he had no contact when I asked. They were messaging each other very regularly which hurts even more. But yes you are right, I have asked for space and he will be moving out for a bit. I just don't know I can trust him again now.

I think space is key here and you've done that right thing asking for it. Use the time wisely to consider if this is too far beyond your boundaries. It seems it is. After all, without trust, what is there? You will forever doubt his word when it comes to this person now.

Thank you Humanswarm, I appreciate your replies x