Sending a hand to hold from here.
It’s devastating news to take in - I’m so sorry it’s happened to you.
But take it steady - I know it’s a total panic and you can feel like you have to do it all at once and lose everything. There may be things you can hold onto - consequences that YOU don’t need to be the one to deal with. You’re not the one who has broken the trust here. Does it need to be you who moves out, for example? Your kids need stability - perhaps he can move out, especially if in-laws are nearby?
I found it hard to find straight-forward advice when I first found out. A lot of services are set up to support gamblers, and offer support to “affected others” as a secondary thing. Their advice always feels a bit “careful” to me, as they don’t want to disadvantage their primary users (gamblers) by being straight up with the people their behaviour affects (us).
Hope that makes sense? Gamblers AND affected others both need support, but our interests are generally pretty different.
Things to do straight away include:
- financial questions. Ask ALL the awkward ones. Take any refusal to answer, or attempt to make you feel bad for asking, as very bad news. (This sounds brutal, but is a lesson I’ve learnt the hard way 😬)
- credit checks. You need to see his debts. Check yours too, just in case. Credit karma and ClearScore are a good place to start. Again, if he won’t show you, it’s terrible news. Assume the worst.
- move ANY joint savings that are left into just your name. He mustn’t be able to access them at all. Accept no excuses for him needing large amounts of money at his disposal.
- check any joint bills he’s in charge of paying - are they in arrears?
- safeguard any other financial resources you can. Bank accounts, cash in the house, paperwork that could be used to set up loans, property (sure there’s loads more but I’ve got covid and my brain is full of fluff. But hopefully this will get you started)
- tell trusted friends/family. Don’t do it on your own. Secrecy helps no one - you don’t have to make it completely public, but don’t allow any discomfort on his part stop you from accessing support from your own network.
Those are urgent. Then you can start doing important things like finding a good lawyer, a good therapist, support groups etc.
You can access free one to one support by calling the gamcare helpline and asking for a referral. They also have an online support group for women in this situation.
Ideally he’ll access support too. But that’s his choice, and will take him admitting there’s a problem, which isn’t something you can do for him.
You’ll find your way through it, and find strength you never knew you had. But please allow yourself time to process all the emotions while you’re doing it.
Best of luck.